Bangkok 2009

Bangkok 2009 (My nearly plagiaˈristic attempt to play with the style used in "The Reluctant Fundamentalist" (Mohsin Hamidthat))

May I sit here? You wave your hand – is that a no, a yes, or you don't care? You speak English? I'm sorry, mine is short, simple words. "Hiya missta. You wanna meet sister"? Loose words. May I sit here?
A wise choice, a wise choice. And honestly, I have no sister to offer, though I would find one quickly had you said yes. Or a little bother. You see me shrug. Sister, brother, mother. What you like. It is not for me to judge, is it? I like your shirt. It is soft and beige and normal. It does not … the word is yell, maybe scream tourist? You must excuse me, my English.

I learned it at the missionary school. From Miss Evans. Miss, not Mrs – and no I cannot hook you up with her. That was a joke. In bad taste, I know, but fitting maybe between the massage parlors here? Sorry, no, you did not ask. One man once asked. I am sorry, you are not like that, I see. Is my English okay? Do you speak Thai? No? Not many do. We have 61.5 million and 60 million of them would rather speak English. The rest want to speak German of Japanese. Sorry, that's a joke.

Have you eaten? The food here is okay. Look across the rod, see the restaurant. It is much better, and no – he is not a cousin, brother or any relative. It is just a fact. No, please, do not stand up. May I ask you to stay here? They will think I am trying to guide you. I am paid by both. Please, stay seated. The food is good here too. It is just a bit better over there. Isn't it always that way?

May I ask why you picked this place and here? You are hungry, I'm sure. You are a big man, no – not fat – big, tall. You need your strength. Your love strength. Wait, let me think… libido… you need your libido. It sounds like a French night club to me. You grin? Does it exist? Tell me. Lido? We have a place called that as well. Have you ever seen a woman shoot ping pong balls from her vagina?

Let me order for you, if I may? These waiters are thieves. You order fish and they put prawn on the bill. It's just a few Bhat and you'd hardly notice. But with me here they won't try it.

About the girls.

Yes, I know some lovely ones. What would you like? May I lean forward and whisper? Aren't we conspiracy? Sorry, that's a noun, Miss Evans would say. What is the adjective? What would you like? I know 18 year olds that look like 14, nice? I can understand the feeling – the desire but keeping to the law.

Oh, you are funny. Okay. I know 14 year olds – they are the same girls. Ssshh.. tha waiter. May I order for you? You like fish? I will order the snapper for you, you look like a man who likes snapper. And another beer, maybe? It costs – let me think – a dime? You earn that in a second, I think? It is different here. I could sweep the pavement for a day for a beer like that. Oh, you like it? Yes, it is worth sweeping the pavement for. You are too funny.
About the girls.

Yes, they are young, I assure you. Virgins? They will feel like that for you, sir. See? I could have lied, but I did not. You find me a virgin in Bangkok and I'll find you the winning number in the lottery.

The cost? Sir, you insult me. No. No, no, no. I didn't mean that. I mean, we are friends. Don't you say that? An idiom, I think. I have friends who are looking for a, shall we call it, a job? I am sorry, no – they are looking for a lover. Tall, light haired and hazel eyed like you – I do not jest. It is strange I thing. Our girls like you. But your girls do not like me. Strange and maybe unfair.

Wait, let me get you a fork. They do that to annoy you. A knife? No, they will not bring that, I doubt they have one. Two forks, okay?

Jest? I learned that word at school. We had a book and a story. You might know it. Miss Evans explained how jester came from jest. I think many of us are jesters, you too Mr…..? Your name can stay between us. No problem.
Do you like the soup? Don't forget, it's just the…. Beginning the whore devour – is that the pronunciation?
Yes, I too have a girlfriend. She works in the street next to us and, no, I'd never introduce you. You are a pervert. You'll not touch her.

Sorry, did I speak Thai? My attention! Yes, but she is in the hills and a farmer's girl.

You must try it with the sauce. Yes, it's peanuts. I know, you eat that on slices of bread with jelly. But this is a different country. In France they eat cheese with jelly. It's true, I've been told. I try to keep an open mind. Your peanut butter is our sauce, a matter of degrees, a matter of view. Our poverty is your prostitution.

Sorry, the last sentence was again in Thai? My mind slips. It is late. Your hotel, I suspect is not near here? I would be happy to arrange a taxi. No, not now. Later. You are on vacation, you go to bed when you like, wake when you want and do what you want to do. Do you like the fish, yes? Those are eggplant. Yes, they are small in comparison to yours. Just like you and me! Just like your country and mine. You are big and we are small. In the end, I think, it is the taste that matters.

I have never been to your country, but I feel I know it well. We have many shows on TV about the US. You know what I have always wondered? We all call it the US. Us,you understand? U and S, the spelling. What a clever name. Not like here. I have heard people call us Shirt and Tail Land and other things too. Thighland. That's funny, no?

Can I order you dessert, maybe a coffee? Why do you keep looking over at the other table; there are no girls there. Just young men. Malays. Do you speak their language? I think they are workers. Why do they look at you? I think they are simple people. Foreigners, more foreign then you here. They are probably wondering what your watch costs.

No, no. They are no danger. You are with me. I will protect you. You laugh and I do too. Me, small and thin as a stick and protecting. But, don't worry, they are Malays and Muslims, you see the white skullcaps? Muslims do not steal. And you have nothing to fear from them. Nor from me. I am small. Look at my arms and look at yours. And I am your friend, yes?

May I ask, is that a wedding ring? We have that tradition too now. But we wear it on our right hand. See? Mine is empty. Is she nice your wife?

I am sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It is a nice ring, though.

Would you like a whiskey with that coffee? Yes, it is sweet. Let me order a small bottle, you can take it with you. Oh, straight from the bottle. You look like a cowboy! No, thank you. I am fine with my water. And I promised to get you home. I didn't? Well, I do now. I think we are friends now. I will see you safely to your hotel. Shall I get the bill?
I am sure you can pay in dollars. No, take the small one. Five dollars is more than enough. You shouldn't carry that much money with you, sir. But, don't worry, I will get you safely to your hotel. Shall we go?

No, leave it, sir. For five dollars they can pick up your chair. Here, take the bottle. There is still a drink left. Cheaper than the hotel bar, I am sure. You can lean on me. Look, I am just the right height. We don't have far to go, your hotel is just down the road, I think.

I was guessing. I saw you arrive by foot. So I thought you must come from the Inn. Am I right? An excellent choice I think. Close to everything, but far enough away too. Shall we go this way, it is shorter, I think. Yes, it is dark. An allee? You jest now, I think? That is a big street, I think, French for a big street? This is small, like my country, like me. But look, see those lights, that is your hotel. Careful, see the puddle?

Them? Oh, the Malaysian workers. Yes, they too are going home.

I don't know, sir. Maybe they work at the hotel? Shall we walk faster? Look, there is your hotel; you have no reason to worry. Let me guide you. We are almost there.