Chapter 4: New Beginnings

New Beginnings

Wasting no time, I began an exhaustive search to find a nursing home within an hours drive of our home, which could accomodate both of my parents in the same room. Living in the deep northwoods of Wisconsin, where the deer population far outnumbers the human population, nursing homes are few and far between.

The nearest one was twenty miles away, in Minocqua, but they had no beds available and already had a long waiting list. Since we had a "green light" to move my folks, I wanted to do it as quickly as possible. My persistence paid off when I located a facility in a small town about 45 miles away that had a vacancy. It sounded promising ... a double room overlooking the river.

To avoid any unnecessary roadblocks, I gave the administrator of the nursing home the contact information for the county social worker in Sheboygan. She still held the reigns of control until my parents were moved and would have to officially approve the move.

Thankfully, this time she relented and moving day was set for March 24, exactly one month later.

The Move

To accomodate my parents and all their belongings, we rented a mini-van and arrived to pick them up shortly after breakfast. Mom and Dad were in a cheerful mood and many good-byes were said to the nursing staff as we made our way down to the van.

Bill was doing the driving so Dad sat in the front with him. Jason sat behind Bill next to his grandmother and I settled into the rear seat. I knew Bill and my Dad would find a lot to talk about, which would help drive seem shorter than it was, and Jason and I would attempt to keep Mom occupied. She was clearly more disoriented than my father and was therefore more prone to being restless. With a five-hour car ride ahead of us, I knew this could present quite a challenge.

About an hour into the trip, we stopped at a service station where Dad used the restroom and I bought some soft drinks and snack food for all of us. Mom readily downed a small bag of potato chips and drank some root beer. With her stomach full and the hum of the tires as we drove on, Mom soon nodded off for a short nap. When she awoke, about an hour later, she was very squirmy and restless. We were just approaching another town and decided to stop at a restaurant for lunch so we could all get some much needed exercise.

The nursing home in Sheboygan had given us a walker to take along but it was quickly apparent that she did not have the coordination needed to move it ahead of her as she walked. After nearly tripping over it several times, I retired it to the van and Jason and I slowly escorted her to the door.

Once inside, she and I headed off to the bathroom, where I soon understood why she had been so restless. I was thankful she was wearing a Depends and I quickly summoned Bill to fetch another one from the van. The experience of cleaning her up was not an easy one for me. Here was this woman, my mother, who had always been so strong and in charge of things, now incapable of caring for herself.

We spent the next hour slowly enjoying a nice meal and each other's company. It reminded me of better times when we had all dined out. Mom just ordered a simple cheeseburger and fries, but I still remember her raving about how good it tasted. After three months of institution food, I'm sure it was a real treat for her.

The Arrival

It was mid-afternoon when we arrived at the nursing home in northern Wisconsin. Dad's first comment was "I want to see the house!" He didn't realize that the house we wanted to buy for them was nearly an hour's drive away. I gently explained to him that we were all tired from the long drive and we would take him to see it soon, but first we needed to get them settled in the new nursing home.

He accepted that answer but it pained me to know his mind was focused on the house. With all my heart I wanted to be moving them there that very day, but the court had only approved a move to a nursing home closer to my house. Like it or not, I had to work within the legal system.

This nursing home was much smaller than the large county home they had been in. For that very reason, it had a friendlier, warm appearance. Dad and Bill walked in ahead while Jason and I helped Mom. Because she was tired, she didn't object to my bringing a wheelchair to help her inside.

Immediately off the main office was a corridor with large, cheery rooms on either side. Mom and Dad would be occupying one about halfway down the hall on the side facing the river. Dad loved the water and was clearly excited at the view from their large window. Bill, Jason and I spent about an hour with them, getting their belongings put away; making sure their television was working, and just trying to help them feel at ease in their new environment.

A few doors down from their room was a large, bright room with ceiling to floor windows all along the river side. This room doubled as the dining area and the activity center. At the far end of the corridor was a large reading area where Dad could relax in a comfortable chair with a newspaper or magazine. He was pleased to learn the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, a paper he had received at home for many years, was delivered daily. It was good to have something familiar for him to identify with.

One other little pleasant surprise awaited Dad when we went to the office to ask a question. Behind the counter was a friendly, wiggly puppy with big brown eyes and a tail that rapidly fanned the air. Dad's eyes lit up and the staff brought the pup out so they could lavish some attention on each other. He and my father immediately became the best of friends.

Expert Counsel

Just days after getting Mom and Dad settled, I sought the advice of Atty. Paul Sturgel, an "elder care" attorney. I recounted the events of the previous four months and looked to him for help. To my relief, he felt confident that if the doctors believed a home environment would be suitable for them, things looked positive.

Waiting has always been difficult for me, and the law tends to be a very slow moving vehicle. It would be nearly a month before the meeting between my parents and the attorney could take place. The delay was a disappointment but in some ways, served a useful purpose. By the time Atty. Sturgel met with my parents, they were well settled into their new surroundings.

On the afternoon of his visit with them, we met in a quiet room in the rear of the nursing home, one reserved for family visits and privacy. Mom and Dad both had a basic understanding of purpose of our meeting with the attorney ... to determine the best way to help us get the house so we could all live together.

After some light conversation, the attorney asked a number of direct questions to my parents. "Who is the President of the United States?" "What year is this?" "How old are you?" Admittedly, they were not clear on a lot of his questions, but when he pointed to me and asked, "Who is this person here?" they both quickly answered in unison, "That's my daughter, Judy."

Of the two of them, Dad was more in touch with reality and the attorney said that was good. Seeing my look of confusion, he explained further. If Dad's new doctor concurred with the doctor in Sheboygan, he could petition the court to do away with the guardianship on my father, allowing me instead to obtain Power of Attorney over his affairs. If that were granted, we would need no further court approval on how to manage his finances and could easily buy the house for my parents.

The very first legal matter to attend to, however, was getting the venue changed to the county where my parents were now living. Atty. Sturgel felt sure that this could be accomplished within a matter of a few months. Things were certainly looking up, but I couldn't help but wonder why the young attorney from the prestigious law firm in Sheboygan had not mentioned any alternatives to me when I first came to her for help.

New Challenges

On one of our visits about three weeks after the move, Bill and Jason headed down to the reading area where they saw my father sitting, while I went to see Mom. I found her sitting in her wheelchair next to her bed, head down, looking deep in thought. When I said, "Hi Mom!" she suddenly became very frantic and upset. Her speech had been difficult since the stroke, but now she was so upset that she stuttered badly, making it hard for me to understand what was wrong. Finally, with arms flailing and fear written across her face, she begged, "Take me home with you!"

Putting my arm around her, I held her close. "Mom, what's the matter? You have to tell me!" In obvious fear, she cried, "They want to kill me! You can't leave me here." I felt totally helpless to address the situation as I had no idea what brought it on. Calling Bill to the room to stay with her, I flew to the nursing station and asked what in the world had happened to scare my mother. To my amazement, nobody even knew there was a problem! A nurse followed me down to her room but mom was so upset that she had to medicate her. Eventually she began to relax but fear remained just below the surface and it pained me to eventually have to go home. As I left, I demanded the social worker at the nursing home to get to the bottom of what had caused my mother's fear.

When I phoned the next morning to check on her, I finally learned the cause of Mom's trauma. In the middle of the night prior to our visit, a resident across the hall had fallen while trying to get out of bed during the night, suffering a broken hip.

As the staff was trying to help this woman, Mom awoke and heard nothing but the injured lady screaming in pain. Between her screams and the staff yelling orders, my poor mother was terrified. When the ambulance came and the woman was taken away, Mom thought she was dead. In her confusion, she thought the staff had killed the woman and they were going to kill her too!

While Mom seemed to bounce back from this incident fairly quickly, it seemed destined that I would have other problems to deal with. Dad was becoming increasingly restless due to his confinement in the nursing home. To compensate, I tried to visit more frequently and take him on outings whenever possible.

Jason and I took him fishing at the river several times. Even when he didn't catch anything, just being together and out in the fresh air was enough to make him happy. Since he had been quite the gambler in his younger days, Bill and I took him to one of the nearby casinos where he could be a part of all the action. While these outings always meant a lot to him, it seemed to do little to lessen his anxiety at the nursing home.

One day on a nice summer day, Dad complained, "They are so strict here." As we talked further, I learned that Dad has wanted to go sit outside like some of the other residents. He was denied that little pleasure though because the staff didn't yet trust him to be outside without supervision and no one was available to accompany him.

The situation angered me. I wanted Dad to be able to enjoy the warm weather, hear the birds sing and look at the budding flowers. Certainly he had a right to fresh air! Because of this incident, however, my father now felt like he was a prisoner and that made him even more restless.

The phone calls came more frequently after that. "The medication doesn't seem to be helping. We'd like to increase his dosage." Or, "The doctor wants to add an anti-depressant for your father to take." Of course he was depressed!

This was not the life I wanted for him, but I reluctantly agreed to the additional medication in the hopes he could just keep it together until we could get our day in court. If we could get that guardianship reversed, he would be a free man and this nightmare would end.