My Pain

Dear John,

You fucking suck. I don't know why I ever got involved with you or how we went from just friends to fuck buddies. How stupid was I to think I could keep my emotions from entering this sex only relationship? I can even lie to myself and say that feelings wouldn't have been an issue if you hadn't told me you were falling for me. Oh that's what did it. In my little hopeful mind, I imagined us together, married and with kids. I began to see all my dreams fulfilled by you. Then you said things with your wife were working out after all.
That's right. Your wife. The same one you told me you were leaving, the same one you said you coudln't spend another moment with - is now the woman taking you away from me. I was crushed, hurt, devastated. It was so painful to see you, knowing what we had was gone, knowing that at the end of the day it was not going to be my arms you fell asleep in, but hers.
I should be happy for you. Even assholes deserve happiness. In a way, I suppose I am happy for you or more for Noelle. I doubt she'll ever know how close she was to losing one of the best things that happened to her. While I may wish you'd rot in hell you cheating, manipulative bastard, I'm glad that you haven't hurt her yet.
So I moved on. We're still friends and as hard as it's been, I think we're finally back to normal again. Then, yesterday, you start texting me suggestive messages which only stir my physical desires. You are oh so tricky, John. I have turned my emotions off to you but you know my body betrays me. It still remembers your kisses and soft hands .. your lying touches. And now, I face a dilema. Do I give in? My body craves you so much it's almost a physical pain, blinding in its need to be stated... or do I reject you for the sake of my heart and what dignity I still possess?
I don't know how it will all turn out . I don't know what choice I will make. I do realize there is the obvious right answer and that would be to tell you to fuck off and use someone else to derive your sick pleasures from... maybe even try your wife ... but that would be denying me what I want most .. you.
See, while you're kissing me, while we're participating in the most intimate of acts, I can almost fool my heart into believeing that you're mine, that you care for me, that I'm not really just some slut banging a married man. Oh what irony. I also just found out that your wife, my competition is coming back to my place of employment to kick me from my position and be my boss. Oh what hateful irony.
With closing of this letter I'd like to state what a shame it all is. It's a shame we could not have met earlier, it's a shame you're a selfish asshole and it's a shame I've fallen in love with yet another unobtainable man. The biggest shame of all though, I think, is that you will never read this.

Love,
me