Brandon Miles

Brandon Miles

So glad you should ask...

My name is Brandon Miles, I don’t have a middle name at all, that’s not to say it was never a possibility. I nearly had a middle name but mum decided not to, apparently it simplified paper work.  When I meet new people I tend not to shake hands, the result of which is that people often think I must have sweaty palms, this is an unfortunate circumstance I blame on sweaty palms. It’s not nerves, it’s not the warmth of my pockets... I haven’t a clue what it is.
I have an active imagination and I always wanted to be an artist when I was growing up, but then my dad passed away and left me the shop, so now I spend my days pondering the ramifications of strange encounters. Such as Godzilla verse Batman, or Doctor Who verse Darth Vader, or even small children pitted against the lawnmowers I sell aging men.
The lawnmower shop is on a busy street in the busiest part of a dead quiet town, a town where it’s considered a good turn out when more than 11 people are in any 1 building at a time. It might be a small town but I like it, it has a few good restaurant s that I frequent for breakfast, and lunch... and dinner.
I tried cooking once, me and the stove didn’t agree so the firemen made me promise never to enter a kitchen again. My friends think it’s strange that I have to get water from the bathroom and I keep my fridge in my lounge room but I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I firmly believe I am a man of principles, and I do my best to live my life by a set of rules and regulations that I set based on observations of those who are better than myself. Of course like all modern rules and regulations, my principles are subject to modification and differ from case to case.
My favourite restaurant is “The Spitting Walrus” it’s a seafood diner on Turner Street. I don’t like seafood much but the bread rolls are magic and the waiters never ask for a tip... that’s why I always give them one. I eat a lot of bread rolls and little of anything else, I find it hard to eat beef, lamb or fish, or anything else that once knew how to smile. My friends seem to think I believe that anything which knows how to smile is good, “Hitler knew how to smile” they often remark. I don’t see the relevance really, because Hitler isn’t on the menu at “The Spitting Walrus”.
I also enjoy water crackers with cheese but I dislike the way society insists that caviar be served with my crackers. It’s not uncommon for me to cry as I look at caviar I have the strangest feeling that they are asking me a number of difficult questions. Have you seen my mummy? Are you a shark? How to you feel about the current global economic climate of the globe and do you think a lower dollar value will impact your desire to invest? The truth is I don’t think I have a dollar to worry about at all, much less one to invest.
I’m not a fan of intimacy, it’s not that I’m afraid or that I don’t want to commit, I just don’t think I know how. So if someone could teach me then, that would be worth a first date I suppose. My friends introduced me to a lovely girl once, named Jane, it was all going well until Jane took of his wig and told me the truth I think I began to understand just before I blacked out.
I only have one pet and in a town as small as mine, it’s nothing unusual for my dog Hendrix to go missing for days at a time, sometimes we fight because he leaves the door open of a night but I often accept that I won’t win and so if someone asked... I would say he wore the pants in the relationship. My friends think I spend too much time alone and that maybe I should get another pet. I don’t want another pet, I already have Hendrix and he would surely devour anything smaller than a dog, and anything bigger than a dog would surely devour Hendrix.
My shop hasn’t been overly successful, at least not in the fiscal sense of the word but I don’t think someone needs to be rich to be successful, I think success is a measure of contentment and I am happy in my one bedroom house on my one acre of land in my one horse town. Every now and then I manage to sell one lawn mower and that helps me pay of one more month of rent.
I have often considered moving from my town to the city, but I don’t think I could afford it and I’m not sure there would be much of a market for my products. I hear all the people in the city pay for other people to mow their lawns for them and that those who don’t hire others, tend not to have lawns at all.
I am a man of principles and I am a man of extremes. I do not enjoy mild weather, but I am quite satisfied with scorching heat or freezing, lack thereof. I don’t like dawn but I love midnight and I love noon. I wake up early, I go to bed late, and I sleep in the middle and I would rather put in my best efforts and fail than settle for mediocrity.
My friends say I think too much and that I need to relax, for once I will take the advice offered, tomorrow I will invite all my closest friends around for a barbeque and we will both have a nice relaxing time.
I might not be the richest, the smartest or the most popular guy in the world, but I’m happy with what I’ve got and that’s more than most can say.
I’m willing to acknowledge that it’s a dog eat dog world, but I’m content with bread rolls, lettuce and the friendly service provided to me by “The Spitting Walrus”