What I Want From A Woman

(authors note: This is an opinion piece, not a singles profile)

I was asked recently to talk about what I wanted from a woman when it comes to a relationship. I almost immediately gave a typical, knee-jerk answer that more closely resembled the nonsense on a dating site than the truth.

Sure, I want someone to share my interests and goals, and walks on the beach and candlelit dinners are just peachy. But that tells you nothing of what I really want. It’s just fluff, packaged to sell.

I should say to begin with that I want nothing I am not prepared to give. My standards are high, but I am not a hypocrite. I should also say that the things I want are things for which I have long since lost my flexibility to live without.

What I want more than anything else is peace.

Peace!

I want to spend the majority of everyday life as close to serenity as possible. Life in general makes that enough of a challenge before you throw in the wants and needs of another person. So call me crazy, but I’d like a partner who shares my desire for peace, even if we are polar opposites in every other way imaginable. I am not so rigid as to expect perfection, but I am ambitious enough to shoot for it anyway. And I can think of no better place to inspire a real partnership than where the common peace is the common goal.

I want to save my worries and fears for life’s real problems, like illness, financial security, work and the lot. I won’t be bothered to stress over minor differences in a relationship that can be settled by two fair thinking and mature adults in a few seconds with a small dose of effort and humility. In fact, I can think of no greater waste of time than two brats clawing at each other over whether to cook or go out, or what music to listen to in the car.

I want the peace that results from each person knowing that the other one has their back, even when in conflict with each other. That means nobody gets their way all the time and, more importantly, it means nobody wants to. It means no one has everything revolve around them and their wishes to the exclusion of the other. If commitment and exclusivity is only a battleground in which both parties struggle to get their way, then I am not up for it and hope never to be.

That means I have little use for the princess or anyone else not mature enough to give fairness and reciprocity to a relationship. A lack of fairness is always a lack of peace, and fairy tales are seldom fair. The princess is a nice fantasy, but it is the stuff of childhood, not a wholesome ambition for a grown woman. And nothing spoils the peace in a relationship faster than a little girl inhabiting the body of a grown woman.

One true lesson I have learned in the battlefield of love is that peace is sometimes a hard-fought acquisition. It is as much the product of conflict as it is compromise. There is no peace without boundaries. Saying “yes-dear“ to avoid a conflict, even when you know it is wrong, might save the moment, but it is a temporary reprieve that only fosters resentment in the future.

So I am willing to fight in the here and now, when I understand the nature of the conflict, rather than to blow up down the road with a million petty resentments festering in my gut. Better to butt heads now than butt lawyers later.

Relationships are sometimes a struggle for justice, even when justice is the goal of both. But if both parties struggle for justice rather than struggling for control, then in my book every conflict is time well spent.

I want a woman with whom I can share abundantly, but not when such is a required price of entry. I believe in total accountability. When I make a mistake, I apologize with my heart and my words. I try as best I can not to repeat mistakes. I don’t visit the jewelry store to assuage guilt or buy forgiveness. If the doorway to a relationship is actually a tollgate, I’ll take the by-pass.

I want a woman who can handle life’s struggles with dignity and maturity, not by spitting nails at everyone in sight. My Miss Right is a woman who can handle life’s “no’s” and hard days without making those around her suffer. And the real Miss Right always knows when she is wrong and values the relationship enough to be accountable for it.

I want a woman who can sit and tell me about the struggles in her life. I am a good listener and I will always react with support and encouragement. But I am a really poor pincushion. So my reaction to bearing the brunt of someone’s day vs. having them share it with me is very, very different. And that too, goes back to peace.

Many women would think I am being hard on them. I am not trying to be. In fact, I am quite sure that many women identify with this as the same kind of struggle they have with men. I am also sure that most women struggle with problems with men that are different, and just as bad. It’s just that the question was gender specific so that is how the answer came out.

And I guess I am saying that I want a woman who “gets” all this and understands that I am just trying to cut to the truth, which sometimes gets a little bloody. But that is why they call it fighting for peace.