Deer Meat

I was sitting in my den watching tv when I got a call on the telephone. It was Roberta, my next door neighbor. Roberta is older and is plagued with health problems, so I give her a hand as needed, lifting things that are too heavy for her. "Do you have any room in your freezer" she asked. Always the one to help I told her I did and she asked me to meet her outside.
When I got out there she was upset, said that a neighbor was keeping some frozen food for her in his freezer, but all of a sudden wanted it out. She needed me to carry it to her house. I followed her across the street into the old man's home and over toward the deep freezer where there was a large, black, heavy duty garbage bag. Roberta tried to lift the bag then grabbed her back for effect. It was too heavy for her to lift. I walked toward the black bag and asked her what it was. "Deer Meat" she said. Deer meat can't be that bad, I thought... I didn't smell anything so I picked it up. As I reached over and picked up the bag a long, hairy hoof stuck out the bottom of the bag. What the fuck? I thought. I don't know much about deer meat, but I do know that I should not be seeing fur! I held back the vomit and I walked with this dead animal back towards Roberta's house. I was in the lead almost through her door when she asked me if it would fit in my freezer. I swallowed hard. I tried to talk but there were no words. All I could say was "I don't have enough room"
She reassured me, telling me that there were two bags and she would split them up to make it easier for me to fit. I told her no and ran out the door to the safety of my own home, where all the meat is processed and clean.
I took a shower and put all my clothes in the washer. After all the excitement was over I collapsed on my couch and decided to watch some tv. Animal Planet? National Geographic? No. When I turned to Discovery I saw the Deer getting ate up by wild dogs I decided then and there that I was a chicken and fish kind of guy. Still feeling a little sick on my stomach I decided to get on the computer. Just as I was signing on, I got a phone call from Roberta. "Come here" she said. Just when I thought this was over this crazy bitch is calling me back over there. "I am gonna have to tell her" I thought. When I walked in her house she had the whole damn deer in the sink. Hair and all. The head was sitting on top of the stove with one of his eyes gouged out. I had a flashback of me eating meal after meal of her cooking. Last time I ate there, a ham was in the same place that they had this bloody, half frozen, deer head. I asked her what the hell was going on. She said she wanted to cut up the deer quick before it started to thaw cause it stinks when not frozen. Her crazy ass had cut off two leg sections and asked if I could keep them since they weren't so big. She raised out her hand with 2 bloody, hairy pieces of meat and beconed for me to come and get it. That was it. I looked at that lady like she was crazy. She returned my gaze and I told her dirty ass not to ask me to do nothing like that no more. There was no need to explain. She knew she was wrong. I had to get that ass one good time though. I politely told her I don't keep rancid meat in my freezer. Crazy Ass. I won't be eating over there for Christmas. It is the holidays so despite all this drama I was still feeling a little festive so before I left I looked in and said: Happy Hunting!

The End