Lola

I have a riddle for you. What is twenty-three pounds, grey, knock-kneed, and bipolar? The answer is my cat, Lola. Lola likes junk food, watching the toilet flush, sleeping in piles of clean laundry, and very little else.

Lola and I have somewhat of a love-hate relationship. If I manage to surprise her while she has been sleeping in the sun, I will get leftover purrs and maybe even a few kisses. She loves me when I have a bowl of ice cream, a warm spot in the sun, or her brush. Even that, however, only lasts a short time. One false move and I can count on scratches, bites, and plenty of blood being spilled—my blood.

I have heard that near-death experiences mellow people out. They suddenly realize they are mortal and that the way they treat others needs to be changed. I cannot say the same for cats.

When Lola was about six years old, she had one such experience. I had put some towels in the dryer to fluff them up, but I left the door open while I went to find a new box of dryer sheets. I came back into the laundry room, threw in a dryer sheet, started the dryer and walked off. Little did I know the drama that was about to unfold. . . .

A few minutes later I went back in the laundry room. I heard the most horrible thumping noise coming from inside the dryer! I opened the door and found blood everywhere! I freaked out and started digging frantically through the jumble of towels.

After a few seconds that seemed more like hours, out staggered a mangled, angry, but very fluffy cat. She gave me a look that said, If I had claws, your eyes would be history, pal.

I grabbed a towel and wrapped her up before she could run and hide. Then I rushed her to the vet’s office. After an agonizing hour, I received my cat mostly toothless but no bones broken.

I would like to say she became sweet all the time and that the loss of teeth stopped the biting, but it did not. She still follows kisses with bloodshed. She still tries to eat my ice cream before I am finished with it. I still have to kick her out of the dryer sometimes. But I would not have it any other way.