Positively Apeshit

POSITIVELY APESHIT
A Prologue
by Amanda L. Shore

The big grape was round and buxom; the little grape was thin and shriveled, Momma Grape and Baby Grape.

“This lil grapey is sour, the big fella here is mighty sweet, but this here raisin is just right.”

“Who are you? Goldilocks? Arnold! You ate the grape family!

“Ya, well now the grape family is giving me indigestion. Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?”

“Shut up, you fat fag! You ate my friends, you dumb barbarian!”

“Shut up yourself and you’ll hear you precious grape family talk;”

<Farrrummmmmmmmph! > “Aw yah, what a fart!”

“Waah! I want my grapes back!”

“No can do sonny, these grapes are about to take a magical ride through the sewer system. Here, have a celery stick!”

“Oooo! I’ll call him Benny.

“Great, now if you’ll excuse me, I have magical ride to get to…”

*

Eggler takes his morning cocoa and goat’s milk in a large ceramic mug decorated with daisies, out to the front porch.

“O’ what a beautiful mor—ning! O’ what a beautiful day—I’ve got a beautiful fee-ling-------- Everything’s going my way…”

Eggler’s toucan Sandy’s primary occupation is belting out Broadway tunes in an off key soprano. He was formerly owned by a wannabe Broadway star and therefore has an erroneous, egotistical view of himself. It is Eggler and Sandy’s routine to go for an early morning stroll through the industrial suburbs of Toronto, thereby saving Sandy’s neck from being strangled by an errant Arnold who likes to sleep late.
Arnold shares Eggler’s one bedroom apartment and they alternately take turns sleeping on the couch or in the one bed. They’re not really sure how they ended up adopting Sandy but needless to say it made their one bedroom apartment a lot smaller. Sandy has a large musical repertoire and can be heard belting out lyrics from any number of musicals, any number of days, anytime of day. In fact, she never shuts up.
“Well, she’s as good as an Ipod,” Eggler reasons.

“And all that jazz! Start the car I know a---GAWK! GAWK!”

Eggler attempts to strangle Sandy for the umpteenth time, but resolves instead to put in his earplugs.

         After their walk they sup on green beans and applesauce while watching soap operas and politely ignore one another’s indigestion. Around 1pm, Mabel Mooney, Eggler’s girlfriend stops by with toast.

“Hi honey, I brought you some toast with margarine!” she trills.

“Oil or soy based?” he asks.

“Soy.”

Eggler scoops her up and kisses her on her cheery red lips, “That’s my girl.”

During sexual intercourse, Eggler devours the toast, savoring its buttery soy based taste.

“Yum, Yum, Yum, “ he says, smacking Mabel’s vulva lips.

“Don’t get any crumbs down there,” she warns.

Sandy, locked in the water closet, can be dimly heard singing ‘Mama Mia’, but nobody is much disturbed.

         Arnold comes in sometime later. He goes to the fridge and Eggler calls, “Don’t eat my celery clan!”

“Eggler, do you have tomatoes in there?” Mabel asks in a horrified whisper.

“Ouch my trouser snake!”

Arnold has a thing for tomatoes. The mere sight of two will give him a boner like the CN tower which often gets caught in the fridge door.

“Why do you think Arnie loves tomatoes so much?” asks Eggler.

“I believe it’s their resemblance to a woman’s sexual organs. Two tomatoes side by side can be construed as a pair of breasts or bum. And cut in half, a tomato has a strong resemblance to a vagina.”

“If I have to take him to the ER one more time because of a broken penis—”

“It could be worse. He could be turned on by carrots or other phallic shaped vegetables.”
“Very true,” Eggler agrees, sucking her left nipple anew.

*

After a cold supper of brown beans and Skittles soup, Arnold’s escort arrives and Eggler and Mabel are kindly asked to vacate the premises. Arnold’s escort is called Tarzan. She comes with a barcode tattooed on her bum and a diamond planted in the center of her collarbone.  She yips like a hyena when he makes love to her and so far she hasn’t given him an STI. Sometimes Tarzan brings along a friend who tapes their session. You were guaranteed a percentage of the sales if you put up a good enough performance. This is how Arnold paid the rent. One day, Tarzan brought over a male friend. He didn’t have a name but Tarzan said she’d waive her fee if he let him join in. Arnold figured it was worth it as long as he could stay in front and didn’t have to handle anything carrot-like.

Mabel and Eggler are ‘Won-Ton’ whores. Their favorite meal is fried wontons and sweet and sour sauce. As a dessert they smoke joints of Virginia’s best weed and sell clean needles to junkies. When they finally stumble home in the morning, Tarzan has left and Arnold is taking a shower with Sandy. The apartment is a mess. This is common after Arnold has sex. Luckily Eggler and Mabel don’t really mind and simply step around the discarded remnants of wild monkey sex and proceed to make breakfast.

         The celery clan is beginning to wilt. Some of the members turn brown and have to be buried in a pile of dog shit on the next door neighbors front stoop. Eggler and Mabel mourn their passing by eating vitamin C tablets off each other and drinking champagne through a straw. The next door neighbor calls,

“I think there’s something wrong with Mossy.”

Mossy is his dog.

“Her shit has bits of green in it.”

The next door neighbor is an oculist of poo. When Eggler and Arnold first moved in, the next door neighbors tapped into they’re plumbing and stole their feces.

“So take her to the vet,” Eggler says irritably into the phone.

“Did your girlfriend try to put him on a vegan diet again?”

“No, Mr. Next door Neighbor, Mabel and I got out of the converting business.”

“Oh, well, okay. You have yourself a plum good day then,” and he hung up.

         Eggler is the last in a line of twenty children. Consequently he learned to survive on a diet of condiments and breadcrumbs, grass and the odd bit of worm he dug up from the garden. It was for this reason that he found himself a vegan, although he wasn’t aware of that until Mabel came along. 
         Mabel had been a vegan activist since the day she was born. She refused any milk that had come from an animal, ate only the mashed up vegetable variety of baby food and gnawed happily on her parents’ bamboo plants. She works as a receptionist at a earth friendly nail salon. Eggler was her first male client and her first love. He’d come in to get a hangnail fixed and it was love after four months of dating at which point they’d dated long enough to develop appropriately timed feelings and were inseparable.
*
         The orange stands naked next to its sister the plum. The orange is small next to its brother cantaloupe. Sadly they are all crushed by Aunt watermelon.

“Arnie!”

“Eggler!”

“Bastard”

“Cheese!”

“Mother fucker!”

“Sausage!”

“Douche bag!”

“Anchovy!”

“What?”

“Shut up Eggler I’m trying to order a pizza.”

“Oh.”

Mabel quietly scoops up the mashed remains into the blender and makes herself a gin smoothie.

Tarzan comes alone Friday night. She wears a leopard skin pantsuit and lets Arnold do her doggie style. In the morning she sucks his penis and pours tomato juice down his butt crack. It is his most amazing orgasm ever. Then Tarzan tells him she has to move to China because the money is better for prostitutes there.
***
Mabel gets a paper cut while using the fax machine and Eggler buys her ‘Flinstone’ Band-Aids.

Arnie goes into a depression and eats only his herpes medication.

Sandy gets laryngitis.

Health Canada arrests the Next-door-Neighbor for having a house full of feces.

Eggler gets food poisoning from fried wontons and switches to eggrolls.

Everything is positively apeshit.