I Love You More Than Ice Cream

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I Love You More Than Ice Cream

“Sing it again Mummy” she whispered while lingering at the sandman’s door.
Gazing down I was immediately embraced by beautiful night sky eyes revealing love perfected.
I smiled; and as I cradled my daughter in my arms, I began to sing ‘our‘ song.

baby blue eyes, so full of life
golden mop top and beautiful smile
I cant help but sit and watch you all night
As you lay in my arms and I’m holding you tight

‘cause I love you more than ice cream
Ohhhhhh yes
Cos I love you more than ice-cream

I had first heard it on the radio the day I found out I was pregnant and “I love you more than ice-cream” quickly became a firm favourite.  I would sing to my ‘belly’ every night while I waited for Jasmin to arrive and was the first thing she heard as she entered this world.  Once she was born it became the ‘get baby to sleep’ song, the ‘cheer baby up’ song and the ‘no reason needed’ song and even now, with Jazz approaching her eleventh birthday, was still the song she requested as she drifted off to sleep.  I never could get through the whole song without my throat tightening up and tears threatening to fall.

“Mummy?”

Her voice brought me back from my memories and I began to sing once again. 

…I cant help but sit and watch you all night
As you lay in my arms and I’m holding you tight…

I gently brushed my fallen tears from Jazz’s forehead, ignoring both the unnaturally dark shadows  beneath her now closed eyes and the thin clear tube that brought oxygen to her prematurely spent body.  I remembered last weeks conversation with the doctors.  Ten days they said.  That’s all.  Just ten precious, fleeting, days was all that Jazz had left for this lifetime. That news left me shattered by broken dreams I had held for Jazz’s future.  The doctors were wrong; they had to be wrong.  I had spent many sleepless nights on the 'net and had yet to exhaust every option for treating Jazz's condition. 

I pushed the memory of that moment as far from my mind as I could whilst reaching down to straighten up Jazz’s pajama top.  A folded square of paper fell from the pocket landing gently onto the bed.  Leaning over I picked up the fallen object and as I unfolded it,  recognised the childish scrawl as belonging to Jazz.
My eyes darted over the words trying to comprehend the message she had written.
 
Dear Mummy, it began, you know I love you more than ice cream but I’m out of time.  I’m tired and I need you to let me go .  I’m not scared anymore;  I pray to God and he tells me that he will show me the way  to heaven.  You don’t have to be sad when I’m gone  Mummy ’cause God says I’m right where I belong, I always have been.  Remember how you told me to live for today? Well that’s what you have to do now, okay?  Remember I will always be here, in your heart, just as grandpa is in my heart and you will always have our song.  When you get sad and are missing me just sing and I will hear you.
I love you more than ice-cream Mummy, even chocolate chip.
Jazz

My heart broke under the weight of understanding that this letter brought.  I had not accepted the doctor's opinion that the chemo wasn’t working.  I had begged them to find something, anything, which would give me more time.  As normal as it was to be consumed with my own sense of loss I now had to accept that I was tilting the hourglass;  desperate to hold on to my reason for being.
Jazz’s strength and wisdom throughout this whole ordeal had amazed me.  Her words had always brought down such a warmness on the soul of anyone who heard them.  How did such a young child get to be such an old soul?
 
She lay deathly still, paler than pale, her breathing barely detectable.

“It's okay baby, you can let go  if you need to, I won’t be sad, I promise”.  I couldn’t believe my mouth had actually formed those words.  It was a lie.  I couldn’t begin to imagine my life  without her in it.
 
“I’m lying, it's a lie!, I don’t want you to go baby, I don’t want to be here without you ,” I confessed through tears and sobbing.

“I know Mamma,"  Jazz’s fragile voice whispered from bluish pink lips, "but it’s a beautiful lie”.

She struggled to lift her eyelids, revealing tired eyes. I knew that behind those eyes  so blue was a little piece of heaven  waiting to go back to God.  I also knew I could not stop it.

“Mummy?”

“Yes baby”

“Sing.”

I rested my head on hers, and as I began to sing our song, I felt my little piece of heaven fade away.  Just as it had been the first song to christen her ears, so to it would be the last song  she would ever hear.


Song Credits
In my Arms by Plumb
Shadows by 12 Stones
Shattered by broken Dreams by Avenged Sevenfold
Out of Time by The Bleeders
Let me go by 3 Doors Down
Pray by Bless the Fall
Show me the Way by Peter Frampton
When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down
Right Where I Belong by 3 Doors Down
Live For Today by 3 Doors Down
Tilting the Hourglass by Alesana
Warmness on the Soul by Avenged Sevenfold
Let Go by 12 Stones
My Life by 12 Stones
Here Without You 3 Doors Down
Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars
Behind Those Eyes by 3 Doors Down
A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold
Fade Away by 12 Stones
The Last Song by 12 Stones