Trapped !!

Betrothed looking at the raindrops through the window Raksha did not realize her mobile has been ringing. She had missed 7 calls. She laughed at herself staring at the colorful screen of her flashy gizmo and wondered if 40 was the age to start experiencing loss of hearing?
It rang again, it was Sameer.
“Hi Chotu, Little brother!”
“Happy birthday to you!! Happy birthday to you!!” Sameer, Mummy and Papa it was all of them at once. Was it normal for the Chopra’s to sing happy birthday to their daughter on her 40th birthday?

Birthdays were joyous days in Chopra’s household. It was that day when Mr. Chopra would plant a blissful peck on his children’s cheek, the day the children got away with school complaints and poor scores in class tests; the only day of the year their parents would tolerate just about any mischief or deviation from the household rules.

Hari Chopra was a disciplined man. He believed in maintaining distance with his children and thought of it as essential to gain, preserve respect. He never let go of an opportunity to display his fury and took pride that his family fears the moments of his displeasure. Dinner was such an example of his regimented routine: The ideal family dinner at Chopra’s would start at 8pm and would have Savitri run in and out of the kitchen to serve perfectly round, hot chapattis. How well she knew that her husband would only consume the fresh puffed ones? The children sat on the floor and ate in silence - None were allowed to talk while eating and watching the only TV show Mr. Chopra allowed. According to him it was the only one young bright children should watch. With dreary eyes Raksha and Sameer struggled to comprehend the importance of watching world news and wondered if they ever get to see the cartoon show everyone talked about in the school recess.

“Could I get one more chapatti please” Raksha would whisper in her mothers ears in the kitchen. Both mother and daughter knew if Hari Chopra heard the sound of her talking while the infamous world news was on Raksha would have to face the melody of her father’s fury. Savitri Chopra had made sure that the children follow the rules.

Savitri Chopra was a working mother. With a doctorate in Hindi Literature she was the most knowledgeable and presentable woman. Yet she confused Raksha with her submissive avatar at home. All her childhood Raksha wondered if her mother had two inhabitants in her body. Raksha was never sure if she represented a modern Indian woman or a docile Hindu spouse!! Savitri’s submission to her husband’s dominance made Raksha wonder if the image of the educated, independent Indian woman that the upcoming modern India talked about was imaginary?

As if they were siblings…. Twins rather, Mr. Chopra shared his dual faceted personality attribute with his wife. Despite being an enraged father Mr. Chopra was most sacrificing. He would always work extra hours, gave English tuitions to kids to earn extra cash to support his kid’s expensive education, their choice of top branded clothing and other fancies. It should be mentioned though that as he watched his children trying on a new pair of Levi’s jeans at a showroom Hari Chopra never smiled and showed pleasure in providing it. After all a smile always brought warmth!!

Speaking of warmth Raksha always wondered if her parents ever sat down and had a romantic moment. They were not romantic people but were they even normal? No one could imagine them being ever intimate yet Savitri Chopra never spoke ill of her husband. Raksha wondered if that was a sign of love or of two people perfectly arranged to be together!!


All Raksha longed for was for her father to take her into his arms and hug her on a Sunday morning. Savitri did show reasonable amount of affection to her Children but Raksha was oblivious to the fact that Fathers are capable of affection until she saw her friend’s father hugging her and telling her how proud he is of her to win their badminton tournament.


For several years Raksha hated Hari Chopra for not being the father she wanted. Though it never happened she always expected that her mother would wake up one morning with determination of walking out on her perfectly arranged worst half. Her confusion on her parent’s marital solidity increased each time Savitri supported Hari, while he become the source of their anger on Raksha or Sameer for their under performance in school or for spending too much time playing out on the street. Raksha always wondered why her mother would support her father. She always secretly but desperately wanted her mother to abandon her father, so that Raksha and Sameer could have her all for the two of them.


“I got a job at MIB” Raksha announced to Savitri Chopra. “ They are paying for everything and want me to move to Chicago in three weeks” She knew this was her ticket to independence, her ticket to do what she wanted to do, to be away the Chopra’s predetermined daily schedules.

Although Mr. and Mrs. Chopra thought for an unmarried girl to move to Chicago for a job was not the best Idea, the prospect of working with one of worlds Pioneer Software Company was incredible. It would bring them recognition in their community for their parental abilities. Hari Chopra decided he would escort his precious daughter to Chicago. Even though it would cost him dearly he will stay for a week to ensure Raksha is safe in an unknown country.

That was 18 years ago. Raksha, on her 22nd birthday packed her bags for America.





The drizzle soon turned into a heavy rain drops. Talking to her family made Raksha wonder if she misses them? She sat there looking at the rain drops falling in their backyard and thought of a clip from a Hindi movie where with a song playing in the background, the rain drops camouflaged tears of the actress as she hears the man she loved announce his love for her best friend.

“Why am I thinking of this. I do not even have a “friend” leave alone a “best friend” to loose Vikram to” .He loved her and was totally committed to her. Still, Raksha was broken and knew exactly why her heart throbbed in her ribs wetting her eyes every now and then. She walked out in the rain and stood there until she was sure her tears were veiled.



When Raksha met Vikram the first time she wondered how was she ever living without him. He was all she never had. He was the most loving, caring and gentle human she ever had known. He took her away to a different world where she belonged just to him. They lived in a bubble where none but the two of them ever lived. For years she did not realize that Vikram occupied her days, weekends…months.

Vikram wiped away Raksha’s need for anyone else. The friend’s who she literally lived with after moving to Bangalore continuously complained how Vikram had abducted their friend for no reason or ransom. The complaints vanished as swiftly Raksha’s friends once she announced her wedding.


Vikram pampered Raksha. He showered her with presents and was ready to display his affection for her at the drop of his hat. He was always the perfect boyfriend and now husband. All the women Raksha knew would not stop singing praises of how it was exceptional for him to not forget any occasions and ensure that Raksha had the best of all.
He could not imagine living without her for a second….. Literally, this is why he never shared her attention with anyone but their son. For 13 years since Raksha Married Vikram she was back to the house jail that she had become unfamiliar with since she moved out of her parents house. She followed her daily routine and didn’t go out anywhere without Vikram. Whenever a friend from past wanted to catch up Vikram had a headache and wanted her attention.




It stopped raining and Raksha knew she needs to step inside. As she changed into dry clothes she thought about her eventful morning.

“I love you baby, I am sorry. You know when you say that I can’t control my anger. You know I can do anything for you” He knew this would calm Raksha down. He knew she loved him. That was the third time Vikram had hit Raksha.

It started with Raksha asking Vikram if it is okay for her to attend her company’s annual function as she was nominated for an award that year.

“Are spouses invited?” The lines of his forehead told Raksha what was coming

“No”

“That’s ridiculous! Your company must know that people have their personal life? How can you think of attending this function? Who will look after Raunak? I am going to bring back some work tonight. Honey, you know I am working on a deadline at the moment. Anyway, people go to these functions to drink free alcohol and get sloshed”


Raksha protested and before she knew the papers spread out on the desk were flying everywhere in the room

“Vikram I am nominated for an award this year. I am not going to drink the free alcohol. I am going to accept the award. I have to go”

“And, why do you HAVE to go. I am sure you deserve this award and it is exciting the first time you get it, but Raksha, I have told you to set your priorities. Your family is your priority. You can’t just go leaving me and Raunak behind. Enjoy the award, am sure they can give it to you when u go to work on Monday. Make an excuse. Anyway I am sure no one would notice that you aren’t there. These parties…..trust me … I have been to many and I know”

God, I am sick of you. How can you be so selfish?” Raksha shouted as loud as he could.

Before she looked up to see Vikram taking a leap towards her Raksha felt several stings of pain on her left cheek ….she felt she would faint as she fell on the table and then hit the corner of their teak wood armchair. She lay there for several minutes thinking how they argued about buying the chair she just hit. “How can I refuse something she wanted so badly? I Love my wife” He announced his sacrifice to his friends. Tears finally filled Raksha’s eyes as she remembered her mother locking herself up in the bathroom when her father couldn’t control his anger and screamed in front of Raksha and Sameer. Raksha was not sure if locking herself up was her mothers way to handle fury?

Would her father have hit her on her birthday? Never. Not on her birthday. Birthdays were special.

As always Vikram walked out of the house after hitting Raksha full force. Maybe he felt guilty. Raksha knew he would come back soon apologizing, telling her how much he loves her. He would tell her how she needs to focus more on her house and child and would make her feel guilty for even considering going to a function when her 5 year old son is at home waiting for her. She knew exactly what was going to happen when Vikram returns. She looked in the mirror as she sat there drying her hair and thought their Vikram’s conversations after their usual fights were like lines from a play and she felt like a character rehearsing her act.


In the past Raksha convinced herself that the confinement and violence was the price she was paying for Vikram to love her. She was never sure if other women had to do the same? She did not know any woman other than her mother.

Was her own father worse than Vikra? He worked hard to make sure his family got the best that he could provide and sacrificed his own wish to meet theirs. But did he love her mother? Did her mother just preserve a holy arrangement made by her parents? Is that love? Is that even normal? Vikram showed his love to her as much as he can. Did her father ever show his love to his wife? May be he did. When the kids were not around…maybe he hugged her and put her to sleep every night. Raksha tried hard to remember ….. Of any loving memories…. Of her father showing anything close to affection or love to her mother…….

She was confused if Vikram’s love was a gift or a curse. She needed to know what was right.

Vikram would be back anytime now and Raksha knew she needed an answer and she knew she had little time.

Her fingers trembled as she picked up the receiver and dialed the number.

“Hello!”
“Hello mummy!! It is Raksha”
“Hello beta, how are you? How are the birthday celebrations going? How is Vikram?”
“All is fine” Raksha did not know if she was ready for her question.

“I just wanted to talk to you about something”
“About what? Is everything all right? Your voice is hoarse….have you been crying? Where is Vikram?” Raksha knew her mother was panicking. Even though they never talked about it, Savitri knew that her daughter changed after marrying Vikram. She never went on praising Vikram as she did before marrying him. She knew something had gone wrong but never dared to ask.

“Oh no nothing!! I have a bad throat. Where is Papa?”
“He has gone out for a walk”

“I wanted to ask you, you know, how papa was always so violent. How he…….how he…” Raksha couldn’t complete her sentence. The silence on the line was deafening. Savitri knew by now knew what has just happened with her daughter. “How he … hit you….you cried, shouted …. But you never left him … you took his beatings…. Why did you not leave him mummy? “Raksha knew she had asked the forbidden question. She knew how her mother convinced herself that her children did not have any memory of the domestic violence they had seen. To her relief the children never talked about it.

Raksha continued “I want to know mum. What made you stay with him?”

“Why are you asking this now?” said Savitri after a decade of silence. “Has Vikram hurt you? Has he hit you? “

“Yes and today was not the first time!! I have decided to leave him mum. I always wondered why you stay put with all the violence.”

“Raksha, Listen to me now” her voice sounded like the way it sounded when they were told off for misbehaving. As much as they loved her, seek shelter from their fathers rage, they were dreaded their mother’s furious avatar.

“We are from a conservative community. In our culture we do not leave our husbands. I never left your papa even though…. “Savitri could not say that her husband hit her, that he was violent “. But look at us now. We are happy as a family. We have you all of you. Would this have been possible if I had left your papa?”.” I would have been left alone by myself if your papa wasn’t there. Even though I always worked, you would not have gone to the school, college you went to. I would have never made it on my own. Do you understand.”?

“Was violence the price of your security mum? Did you take it because he gave you and your children security for life?” Raksha forced the words out of her throat. She felt a lump of the size of a tennis ball stuck in her throat.

“No and yes. Moreover Raksha….beta… think about the society... I know you live in America but your family is here. We are all answerable to our relatives. No one respects a divorced woman in our society, in our community. Marriage is the ultimate bond, nothing can break it. And you had a love marriage!! You wanted to marry Vikram and now you want to leave him because he got angry. Why do you want the rest of the family suffer in shame because of your decision. And Vikram is a stable guy from a good family. Think about Raunak!!.... No beta you cannot walk out of your house. You have to make this work!”

“He hit me mummy. He doesn’t let me go anywhere. He doesn’t let me talk to you, to Sameer unless he is there to listen to the conversation. I haven’t met or made any friends in over ten years because he doesn’t want me to…..how can you …..” Raksha made a futile effort to express her pain to her mother.

“No Raksha, one doesn’t need friends after marriage. Have you seen me making friends with anyone? Your papa never stopped me but still I have never invited or been to kitty parties like other women. Vikram should be everything to you. If he has hit you… he must be upset about something … We might talk to him later about this but leaving him would be a disgrace for your father and for all of us. For the time being just apologies to him and tell him you will not repeat it”

Raksha felt a Bomb dropped somewhere near. She gasped for air. She felt the blood draining from her cheeks. She felt her hand going down keeping the receiver on the phone.

She tried to listen for voices around her as she sat there….. She could hear the rain falling outside but the voices echoing in her head were louder “just apologies to him” “Why should the rest of the family suffer?”……………” I love you baby” “You know I love you” … “Why are you late today? How long does it take for you to drive back home”
“Don’t think your career is more important than your family” ……………” Priorities Raksha…… Priorities”

She felt her legs trembling as she stood up and ran to her cupboard to fill her bag with as many clothes for herself and Raunak as would fit. She managed to reach for her handbag and zipped her suitcase. She struggled to fish her passports from the locker in their cupboard. Where were the keys? The keys to the house she lived in for 12 years. The house full of her memories with the man who loved her and the man she no longer loved. She dragged her suitcase as she walked past the showcase fill of the Chrystal ware that Vikram bought her.

There they were …. The keys to their abode…. She went to Raunak’s room picked him up in her arms as moaned in his sleep and ran to the escalator ……as she entered the lift Raksha heard her phone r through the locked door of the apartment. She knew it was her mother..She knew that Savitri would call Vikram in a few minutes……She knew she would not be able to leave if she sees Vikram. She ran to her car as soon as she got out of the escalator. The moment she sat on the driver’s seat after tucking Raunak in the car seat Raksha pressed the accelerator as hard as she could. The car screeched through the quite suburban roads.....


She knew this time she did not have to explain it to Hari Chopra or to Savitri……She knew who deserved an explanation this time.

Raunak would understand. She would explain it to him…

As Raksha drove away from the roads she’s known for as long as she had known Vikram she knew this was the right time for this. She knew it was the right choice.