YOu can let go

Dedicated to James Bearchell ( July 23, 1934-April 18, 2008)


Closing her eyes, she could still feel the wind on her face, the rush, almost as if she could fly. She was five years old again, swinging on her tire swing her daddy had hung in the tree last summer. Her daddy had been away on one of his military missions; and she missed him dearly; a daddy’s girl to the core.

“Lola. . .” she heard his strong voice call to her.

Her head popping up she smiled when she saw him in his naval whites,
“Daddy . . .” she cried out nearly leaping of the swing and racing to him, throwing herself into his arms. She remember his smell, a manly and yet sweet smell, that always comforted her in the dead of night when she had a nightmare.

“How’s my girl?” He asked holding her tight.

“Missing you Daddy.” She said softly into his neck.

“I miss you too.” He whispered his hand rubbing her back. “Gram said you have been a good girl while I was gone.” He stated, “lots of help.”

“Always,” she smiled pulling back at him.
He reached and brushed her hair out of her eyes, “I am sorry I missed your recital.”

“It’s ok daddy . . . dancing isn’t for me.” She whispered trying to hide the hurt in her eyes.

He knew other wise, he had heard about the teasing by the other kids. He knew how hard it was for his little girl to make friends; too many obstacles in the way. His job requiring them to move around, her mother leaving, and his little girl showing signs of a high intelligence; did not exactly make it easy on her. She stayed with her gram as she called her; his aunt while he was out on a mission; and he was happy she had that female influence.

“How about we go out for hot dogs and ice cream?” He offered to her.

Her eyes lit up . . .”really?”

“Anything for my girl.” He stated. “Let me go and change and we’ll go to the park.”

She cheered hugging him tightly before skipping off to tell gram.

He stood watching her go, his heart breaking for his Little Lola, she didn’t show it but he knew she had a tender heart; she only tried to be strong for him.

That night after ice cream, hot dogs and even an hour of kite flying, he read softly to her, holding her close as she dozed off in her little bed, her stuffed Camel tucked in her arms.
He stood there watching her, for a moment, his heart breaking for his little girl and yet pride swelled just the same.

“You know, she’s special . .. but she’s hurting.” His aunt said as he settled at the kitchen table. “She needs you.”

“She tries so hard to fit in.” He said softly having seen her watching some of the other kids.

She nodded. “she will never admit that she is lonely.”

He nodded and stared into his coffee cup; “I need to be around more for my little girl.” He declared.

With those words, his fate was sealed.

Going in, he went straight up the chain of command telling them what exactly he wanted and what he was willing to do to get it. In less then a month, it was arranged and he was packing up his family for the last time . . . and moving to D.C. This was to be their home; no more transfers, no more missions. Instead he was took a position at the Naval Academy.

It was a bit to get use too, but they seem to be making the adjustment well; at least he had until he came home one evening and found Tara sitting at the bottom of the front steps watching the kids from the neighborhood play.

“Hey Lola.” He called to her, loving how her face lit up the moment she heard his voice.

“Daddy . . . Gram registered me for school today.” She declared racing too him from her tricycle.

“She did . . . wow your getting to be a big girl.” He declared pulling her into his arms and starting for the door, watching as her eyes stayed on the street as a young boy about her age rode his bike past them. Tara’s eyes stayed on the bike until the boy was out of view before turning her attention back to her dad.

“Why don’t you go and get washed up, Gram is going to have supper ready.” He stated setting her down as he hung up his hat.

It was after supper when after his little girl was settled in bed did his aunt come to him.
“The kids were teasing her.” She said softly to him.

He had know there was something bothering her but his girl was one to keep it in, and even at this young age not wanting to bother others with her problems.

“I figured something was up . . .” He said trying to put the clock had given his Lola to take apart for back together.

“They teased her because she was working on the radio, playing with it, and when she just left. Got up and moved to her bike they teased her even more about being a baby.” She explained. “One kid went as far as to say she must have been a bad baby . . . that’s why her mom didn’t want her.”

“That’s not true . . .,” He stated defensively.

“I know and I told her but she slipped away with those books of hers and went to read.” She said softly. “Your doing the best you can for her Nolan, you’re a good man.” She said softly. “And you’re a great father.” She whispered giving his shoulder a squeeze before slipping from the room and living him alone with his thoughts.

Glancing down at the clock in his hands he realized that although she was his little girl, he knew she was more then that. His little Lola was smart and growing up, he needed to support her.

He got off work early the next day, heading down to the department store wondering the isles until he found what he wanted. It wasn’t the pink one, or the baby blue one that that caught his eye. Instead the soft yellow, almost bumble bee like one. The salesmen tried to convince him it wasn’t the type a young girl would like, but he knew better.

“Lola . . . “ He called to her after he had set the bike on the side walk, a orange ribbon on the handle bars. He stood in front of it watching the front door open.

“Daddy . . .” she said surprised that he was home already.

“I got a surprise for you.” He smiled stepping aside.

Tara squealed and raced down the stairs first to him and then to the bike, going over every inch of it. “Will you teach me?” She begged him.

“Sure . .” he smiled knowing he was going to create a memory with his little girl; one that would forever be cherished. “Let’s get the training wheels on first.” He stated.

“No . . . no wheels . . . “ she shook her head. “Teach me with out them.” She declared.

They practiced every day for a week, his heart breaking every time she stumbled or was about to topple and he was there to right her before she would get hurt.
Nearly a week to the day her independence came.

“You can let go now Daddy.” She cried out as he ran beside her.
Reluctantly he did so:
Wind blowing on my face
Sidewalk flying beneath my bike
A five year olds first taste
Of what freedom's really like
He was running right beside me
His hand holding on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street


"You can let go now daddy
You can let go
Oh I think I'm ready to do this on my own
It's still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I'll be okay now daddy
You can let go"


The years went by and his little Lola grew physically, mentally and emotionally. It was hard with her being so smart, skipping grades in school, and after her “gram” died, not having the female influence he believed she rightfully deserved.. He tried to do things to keep her connected to others her age but it was not easy. She joined the cadets, in hope to help her meet more people to connect to and yet still distancing herself from them when she overachieved. Proud of her he still worried of what her future would hold for her.

He was there for her when her heart was broken on prom night; when one Phillip Michael embarrassed her at the prom, only to make his on again off again girlfriend jealous when he showed up with the youngest girl in their high school.

He pulled up out side the building seeing her standing at the curb, her head held high but the pain in her eyes. She didn’t say anything the whole ride home. When she slipped up stairs to change into her sweats he got to work. Getting two of their favorite plastic wine glasses, the ones she use to play tea party with. And set them on the coffee table, with a bottle of ginger ale “breathing” beside it. Then he moved to the stereo and put on one of their favorite records.

“Daddy?” She asked making her way down the stairs, her eyes glancing around the makeshift dance floor he created.

“May I have this dance?” He smiled and asked holding out his hand to her.”

Tears came to her eyes as she accepted his hand and he led her to the middle of the dance floor.

It only took until the middle of the song when the tears started to fall. “Why does everyone hate me Daddy? Why am I so different?”

His heart broke at her words as he led her to the couch, pulling her into his arms. “You’re not different. You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and you’re my Lola.” He stated kissing the top of her head. “Men will come and go . . . and to my displeasure there will be men that hurt you. But you . . . you will find the man for you . . . you will find your place. God gave you to me for a reason, and I thank him every day.” He stated holding her tightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too Daddy . . .” she whispered with a smile pressing a kiss to his cheek.


After graduation, she was accepted at MIT; his days got lonely. The empty house, free of her but not her little touches, always broke his heart to come home too. Yet she never was out of touch; calling him at least once a day, coming home to visit. She was as lonely for her daddy as he was for his little girl. He knew when his words would ring true, and she had her heart broken by a fellow student, but he was always there to hold her and let her go when she was strong again.

He beamed with pride the day she graduated, top of her class…with honors, and even class valedictorian. He knew she could do it; she could do anything she put her mind too. His little girl could do anything she wanted to do, and yet nothing seemed right to her. She hated being stuck in an office, felt like her skills were going to waste. His daughter being the woman she was, she searched and searched until she found what it was she was missing. Her acceptance into the FBI did not surprise him at all. Her excelling in most of her classes including the physical ones did not either. She was a determined one, a strong woman, who when her mind was set on something, did everything in her power to accomplish it. What did surprise him was her not wanting to join a cyber squad, instead wanting to work with the computer and yet with the people too. She didn’t want to be surrounded by computer geeks as she had told him, but instead of people who needed her help.

He worried about her, all the time, but he knew he had to let her out on her own. His worry only grew when she moved out into her own little place.

“Don’t worry Daddy, I will always need you.” She had told him after he had carried in the last box.

He smiled at that wrapping his arm around her, before stating it was her turn to pay for pizza.


It was a few years, two teams’ changes and a couple of boyfriends later when he thought his world would end. The call he had been dreading finally came; his little girl . . . his Lola . . . had been shot.

He had never moved so fast in his life, all his years of training has never prepared him for this. He remembered storming into the waiting room and demanding to know what had happened.

He remembered seeing a group of people look up at him, their faces pale, and the woman’s eyes red, before a familiar face approached him. He knew Ted Garrett, having worked with him once ages ago.

“Admiral Williams.” He greeted him holding out his hand, “I am sorry to meet again under this circumstance. “

He nodded, “Explain to me how my little girl came to be shot . . .” He demanded to know.

“We had been tracking down a suspect, when Agent Leland and Tara spotted him. He was on foot and they gave chase. Agent Leland went in one direction while Agent Williams . . . Tara went in another in order to cut him off.” Ted explained. “Tara cornered the suspect in an alley trying to get into a back door. Agent Williams hadn’t counted on one thing; our suspects girlfriend sneaking out the front of the building. She came up behind Tara and hit her hard in the back of the knees with a board. When Tara fell the suspect pulled out his own weapon and fired, hitting her in the chest.”

His jaw clenched as his heart pounded in his chest.

“Agent Hudson, Gans, Leland, and Manning arrived then. Agent Manning shot and killed the suspect as he took aim once again at Tara while agent Gans took down his girlfriend. Agent Leland and Hudson performed first aid on Tara until the ambulance arrived” Ted finished explaining.

He nodded glancing at the solemn people standing behind him nervously. He eyed them, looking at each of the men first; seeing the blood on two of their shirts; his girl’s blood.

“Thank you,” He said offering his hand out to the men.

Their heads shot up at the unexpected comment.

“If it wasn’t for your actions my little girl wouldn’t be here.” He stated

The men just nodded unable to comment at all.


They stayed all night, stationed in the chairs waiting on news; news that came nearly three hours later when the doctor stepped into the waiting room.

“She’s in recovery. . . The bullet did not graze any vital organs but she lost a lot of blood. She’ll make a full recover.”

As the doctors words settled in joy spread through his heart. “Can I see her?” Was all he could say.

The doctor nodded, telling him a nurse would show him to the room when she was settled.

An hour later the team has left leaving him settled in a chair next to his little girl, her small hand in his.

“Daddy . . .” he heard her whispered

“I’m here Lola . . .,” he whispered giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t let go Daddy . . .,” She whispered before falling back asleep.


Although her being shot had been a scare he hadn’t needed; it also brought the happiness she needed. He had been shocked the night before he was set to bring his little girl home; a surprise visitor wanting to talk to him about his little Lola.

That had been nearly a year and a half ago . . . and now . . . now here he was giving his little girl away. To a man, a man he knew would love her like she deserved. Walking her down the aisle they stopped before the man who held her heart.

“Who gives this woman?” He heard the preacher ask, and he could not help the tears he had been trying to hold back. His hand tightened on her arm, not wanting to let go. “You can let go now daddy . . . I’m going to be ok.” She whispered to him. Giving her a gentle kiss to the cheek he forced himself to step away and take his seat.




I was standing at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I've been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked
"Who gives this woman?"
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears
He kept holding tightly to my arm
'Til I whispered in his ear:

"You can let go now daddy
You can let go
Oh I think I'm ready to do this on my own
It's still feels a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I'll be okay now daddy
You can let go"



He couldn’t have been happier; his little girl was happy, blessed with her own little girl four years after the wedding. IT was just after little Lindy turned two when he was diagnosed. He fought it, fought it hard, even going into remission for three years before it came back with a vengeance. He fought it hard but he was tired, he was weak.



Tara made her way down the quiet corridor, stopping at the nurses office to find out how he was doing.

“he’s having a rough night,” she was told. “You know he’s holding on for you.”

The night nurses words hurt, but in her heart she knew it was true.
Moving to his room she paused stopping to watch one of the greatest, strongest man waste away, his body ridden with the Cancer he had been trying so hard to fight. The man who gave her nothing but himself; sacrificing all so she could be happy; the man who even now was still fighting to hang on for her. It was her turn to sacrifice.

Setting her bag and jacket on the chair near by she moved to his side, climbing up onto the bed as she had done so many times as a child and rested her head against his chest. She could hear the slight beat of his weakening heart and she knew what she had to do. Taking a deep breath of the scent she loved so much, she closed her eyes.

“Lola. . . .” She heard him weakly say.

“It’s ok Daddy you can let go . . .”


It was killing me
To see the strongest man I ever knew
Wasting away to nothing in that hospital room
"You know he's only hanging on for you"
That's what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breaking
As I crawled up in his bed and said:

You can let go now daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready to do this on my own
Its gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I'll be okay now daddy
You can let go
You can let go


She stood there watching them slowly lower him into the ground, feeling Bobby’s hand holding onto hers. She tightened her grip needing his strength.
“It’s ok Luv, I wont let go.”

Crystal Shawanda - You Can Let Go