Canadians: A Comic View of the Real Us.

We’re defined as a nation that’s hockey obsessed, pours maple syrup on our ham and ends each sentence with the word ‘eh’. When people look at us they say, “Hey, look at that country. They don’t kill people there.” But what quirks hide beneath those rosy cheeks? What comforts lay wrapped up under those winter jackets? Does anyone know what things really make us uniquely Canadian? In short, what makes a Canadian tick?

There are many things that make us uniquely Canadian, but you have to get a glimpse of our daily lives, thoughts and habits to understand us. I’m here to tell you everything Canada! If you live in Canada you know that there are 4 seasons: Winter, still winter, almost winter, and mosquito season. Along with the mosquitoes, we get our fair share of grasshoppers, crickets and flies, and I’ve found that the most effective repellent for these loveable creatures is a shotgun. All these grasshoppers eating through the fields and crickets flooding your house while mosquito’s swarm your outdoors almost makes you prefer the snow and slush. But that’s mostly because that’s when the driving is better: all the potholes are filled in with frozen snow. It’s a possibility that all these treats that Mother Nature has brought us is reserved only for Saskatchewan. I don’t mean to make it sound all bad, there are some perks to living in Saskatchewan. As they say, at least if your dog runs away, you can watch it running away for days.

So, because 3 of our seasons have to do with winter, much of our lives here in Canada are spent in snow, its no shock to say that you know you’re Canadian when, you’ve gone trick-or-treating in a blizzard. You’ve even adjusted your costume to fit over your winter jacket. Your car has a cord and plug sticking out of the grill to plug it in at night, you think that +5 ◦C is t-shirt weather, and you know what a toque is, and wear it. A toque, not a beanie, a toque. Your home for almost half the year is at the hockey rink, and you don’t like to admit it, but hockey parents scare the crap out of you. I would prefer the company of a rabid puppy on steroids rather then a screaming parent jumping over the boards to strangle the ref over a call they disagree on.

Now, it’s no secret that Canada doesn’t have the best television programs and movies out there. It’s not that our talent pool is running on empty, we’re just cursed. Since we can’t seem to produce anything much worth watching, we latch on to American television for our entertainment. Needless to say, we get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. Whether it’s Michael Scott from the Office “going over seas” to visit Montreal, Family Guy’s Peter Griffon watching the Canadian Film festival or Bart Simpson and Milhouse playing for Canada’s Olympic basketball team, we laugh. Yes, they’re making fun of us most of the time our name is mentioned, but it doesn’t matter to us… we’re famous! Old time Canadian television shows definitely were more popular then anything we can make now. Canadian broadcasting was all they used to have, so even though this may be way out of OUR age group, when I say, “coo-roo-coocoo-coo-coo -coocoo” most Canadians know to respond with “coo-roo-coocoo-coo-coo-coocooo”. If you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say that, shame on you.

All this hype about us Canadians not knowing what makes us Canadian and sets us apart from the Americans is just ridiculous. I know exactly what set us apart! Here in Canada, we have our different habits and thoughts; we’re individual. Here in Canada, poutine is its own food group, we carry Canadian Tire money in our wallets and pockets, a day isn’t set off right without a visit to Tim Hortons, we hate Toronto, and a pike is a type of fish, not a part of a highway. The Maple Leafs will never win the Stanley Cup, Quebec doesn’t want to be part of our country, our winters are too cold, our summers are too hot, and our politicians are all old and unattractive. We know all this, and we embrace it. But hey, according to George Stroumboulopoulos, we were voted the second best country to live in and visit, right after Australia. On the up side, we’re top of the century! We’ve had a female Prime Minister, our comedians are some of the worlds finest, we’ve learned not to chew old dried-up gum off the sidewalk and the general population of the country is literate. The Canadians that are illiterate are made into NHL hockey coaches, gym teachers, and cast members of Degrassi, so we still have a place for everyone.

We are peacekeepers not villains, lovers not fighters, and this brings me to the topic of our military. We may not have the most high tech weapons or best military equipment but really, we don’t need it. Just put a hockey stick in our hands, throw us a puck and we’ll give you a good fight. It doesn’t matter that we have ancient military equipment dating back to the 60s, and up until this year we only had about one helicopter and a couple planes to work with. It doesn’t matter because we’re the peace keepers, so we don’t need it, right? I mean, if we were to ever get in a situation where our country was attacked with fighter aircrafts and bombs, we could talk our way out of it and wave a little white flag or at least send our helicopter to the rescue. Pack your bags and get out your passports, people! We’re taking cover in our neighbour country because like any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, we possess a Canadian Passport. No, I’m not saying all Canadians are assassins, I’m just warning you, the next time you start up a conversation about the weather with a complete stranger, which we all know you do, take caution.

One thing, I have to say, that doesn’t make me so proud to be Canadian, is the flannel plaid shirt. What right does anyone have to wear that thing? You see it everywhere in Canada—on TV, Red Green wears it everyday as he duct tapes his contraptions, you see it on the farm—I think every farmer around owns one, including my dad. What is the appeal of this red, black and white shirt with lines crossing every way imaginable? We are not lumberjacks, but yet people continue to make the fashion statement that has become this unofficial symbol of us as a country. I’m sure people look at us with our flannel shirts and think of us as beer-chugging hosers. The flannel could just be because of the cold weather in Canada, so it’s a necessity I’m sure, but at least we can say it unites Canada. It can be seen worn all the way from Newfoundland to the coasts of Beautiful British Columbia. As preposterous as the flannel shirt might sound, it equalizes everyone, from the lumberjacks, to the farmers, to the sweaty Kurt Cobain’s singing in dark clubs.

It’s all these things that make us exclusively Canadian and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. Except maybe Russia, because it’s the largest country and therefore I would have bragging rights.

**note: Above is a speech I wrote for my grade 12 English class for Mason's Oratory. These are just my views and of course I'm joking around, I love being Canadian.**