Shooting the Moon in a Court of Law

I

It took a long, stretched like trampoline-skin with gorilla on it moment before Three replied. "We have visuals. Main screen turn on." No friendly greeting to the gentlemen on board, as decreed by nautical etiquette. Without much warning, the lack of which caused Six to faint at his post, the screen alternated between the black of night and the blue of night, before Three zoomed out, bringing seven slithy, muscled tentacles into full view.

After nine pairs of eyes blinked once more, for ten there were but Six had fainted, due to a rational, numerological septaphobia (because seven eight nine), there was one less ship patrolling the skies. It would scarcely have helped their cause had they spotted the monster earlier, nor if they had fired off all their cannons. Possibly had they been able to relay a message to their Queen somehow, but the message would have read: RUN!

Now let us look at what happened from the point of view of another ship in the very proximal vicinity.

II

The Kraken was hungry. They had felt the rumbling of its stomach as tremors rippling across the deck. And as every Seaman or Skyman worth his salt knew, a hungry Kraken was also an angry Kraken. Except of course Isaac, who was many things by trade, and even more by description, but not a Seaman. Not good for the crew, that he was now their Commodore.

It had been almost two months, one spent out in the skies, since they had last brought the Kraken to the sea for feeding. The plant aboard the ship was insufficient to meet its energy requirements. Since then the war had started, and they dared not risk being caught without the Kraken, the one weapon they had which could turn the tides in their favour. The feeding would have brought them into hostile territory as well. The unfortunate circumstances surrounding the Kraken's nutrition forced them to launch a bold (suicidal) offensive, in the hopes of ending the war within a week. And with their new Commanding Officer, it could be said that the winds had changed in their favour.

And so when they spotted something in the distance, the crew were certainly hoping for a large, crispy variety of poultry that could stave off the Kraken's voluminous flux of gastric juices. It was certainly large. It was certainly crispy. It was certainly no bird.

The Kraken lashed out at the object with all seven of its free tentacles (two were holding the ship, Seamen and Commodore, in place), tearing it open as if it were a Hershey's bar wrapped in metallic silver wrapper.

FOOD?

One word boomed through the Kraken's massive mind, so loud the crew could almost hear it. Telepaths within a ten mile radius would have been instantly deafened, but it is hard to say if there were any, since no one on board had had their innermost thoughts probed before.

The answer to the Kraken must have been no, for he discarded the 57 fragments remaining of the object down to the tulgey wood below. Isaac could have sworn he saw poker cards floating down as well.

III

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

'Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!'

IV

As the grandfather clock struck three in the afternoon, so did the judge's gavel strike thrice. Many were the vile criminals who had been crushed by that implement of justice. But not this time. Not just yet. "Court adjourned!" All through the shadowy court, the voice of the Snark resounded.

V

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought-
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

VI

Even as the golden rays of evening slithered over the land, serpentine with warmth and wisdom, another body rose over the horizon, out from the direction of the deep, dark, dense forest. The Queen was clearly annoyed at the disruption of her al fresco sunset dining experience. "Why did the Astronomer not predict this eclipse?"

Someone standing close started explaining how there were no court astronomers in the first place, only a massive number of geneticists and engineers. Which of course could not explain why, and made it especially ironic that, the enemies had a bioship that was so much more advanced than their ships, which counted mould infestations as the only biological components. That said, the Queen and her subjects had no idea even in their worst nightmares -of the Jabberwock, mostly- the enemy bioship existed, or she would not have been able to taste anything but fear, with the many tastebuds on her spine designed specifically for that flavour.

"Off with his head!" ordered the Queen, oblivious to the fact that there was no Astronomer.

It was 6:30, a pleasant time to enjoy the final golden wires linking the massive bulb in the sky to the world. Yet today, it would be dark, black (or were they blue?) tentacles that marked the unremarkable daily transition of day to night.

It would be a long night.

VII

Essay Assignment

Someone I Met During Summer Break by Jimmy Darstein, Grade 1

During summer break Dad decided to take me on a trip out of the solar system. He had taken leave from his work at the research labs. I was really excited. We hopped onto the small two-man Arrow and accelerated to escape velocity. Then, we warped over to somewhere faraway. The sensors detected a great burst of energy which looked bright blue, and pink.

We flew over for a closer look, but something pulled us in. "No problem," said Dad. "It's just a temporary high-energy burster that's causing a rift in spacetime. It'll be over in 30 minutes."

We flew in, hovered around, and saw many other ships around as well. And then, right at the end, there was a man with a giant poker card next to him, and he was waving. I still remember that it was an ace of spades. Dad seldom went to the interplanetary casinos, but he decided that we could take a look, and maybe take some pictures too.

The man was fairly old, but his fashion sense was even older. I think the last time I saw someone dressed like that was the guy who acted as Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. We flew right next to him and stopped.

"Hi, are you an actor?" I asked.

"No, I work as the Master of the Mint," he replied.

"What's a mint?"

He gave me a look of surprise, but assumed I was too young to know.

"It's where they make coins."

That lost me even further.

"What's a coin?"

He gave me that look again, but 10 times more.

"It's money made of metal."

That I could understand.

"Wow, I've only seen money made of plastic."

This time he was the one who was confused.

"What's plastic?"

He must have come from a really poor planet. After a long conversation, he understood what life was like for us. Then, Dad asked for his name. I believe he was called Newson or Newton or something.

Dad was so astonished, he said he must have been dreaming to meet such an important person, who had been his idol all along. I had never heard of any actors or singers by that name before though. Dad asked if there was anything he could possibly do.

The strange man replied that there was indeed, he wanted a means of propulsion. I have no idea why Dad dismantled one of our antimatter thrusters for him, but the ride home took twice as long as usual.

THE END

Teacher's comments: B-. You should ask your father what his full name was. Might it have been Sir Isaac Newton? That would make your story even more far-fetched, but we do know strange things like T-rexes have been spotted in spacetime rifts before.

VIII

The Game of Hearts

Hearts is a four player game where each player is dealt a hand of 13 cards from a standard poker deck. During the game, the winner of the previous trick starts a new trick, and all players must follow the suit unless he does not have any cards of that suit remaining, in which case he may play a card from any other suit, including point cards. For the first trick, the player with the 2 of Clubs starts, and point cards may not be played even if void in Clubs. The highest card of the suit first played wins the trick, and the player keeps all the cards, including point cards. After all 13 tricks have been claimed the points are tallied. If no one has 100 or more points in total, the next round proceeds in a similar fashion and the scores are accumulated.

Point cards include all the cards of the Hearts suit, each worth 1 point, and the Queen of Spades, worth 13 points. The objective of the game is to finish with the lowest score, and the game ends after the round in which someone accumulates 100 or more points. It is worth noting that the Queen of Spades is worth as much as all the other point cards combined, so it can turn the tide of the game. However, if a player wins every single point card, instead of getting 26 points, he gets 0 points for that round and the other 3 players get 26 each. This is termed 'shooting the moon'.

During the first round, each player passes 3 cards of his choice, face down, to the player on his right. The next round, everyone passes left instead, and then across in the third round, and there is no passing on the fourth round. The cycle then repeats.

IX

Have a break...have a Kit Kat!

X

When the Bellman and his crew had sailed back from...it's hard to say where, because the map they had was blank, they would not discuss the details of their voyage. The fates of the Banker and the Baker were mysteries that would never be solved. It was rumoured that they had found the island of the Jabberwock, but surely with that many men they could have dispatched it? No, it was something more sinister that had transpired on that island. Ecology had never been much of a concern in Wonderland, and so no one really knew what else lurked.

Whatever the case, the men of the ship dispersed to many different places, all scarred by their experiences. Except the Butcher and the Beaver, who stayed around, always together. The ship though was left behind and soon there were rumours of curses so vile fifty generations of Egyptian pharoahs brainstorming together could not have come up with them.

At that time, the Knave of Spades was at that young and hot-blooded age where we look for adventure, and what better than a ship (cursed ones were even better) with which to find it? He did not even have to leave the harbour to find it. Right at the back of the ship, a foot-long squid lay. The Knave brought it back to the royal chef, who recognised a feast when he saw one, even uncooked. 2 hours after putting the squid in the kitchen tank, all the other fishes, even the coelacanths and sharks, were gone. In fact, so was the tank, shattered into large shards of wet glass on the kitchen floor.

The squid had grown to 10 feet in length, a formidable size. The chef now knew he had a Kraken on his hands...

He had never tasted such a delicacy before...

The Kraken had never tasted such a delicacy before...

The Knave came in at just the right time, as the chef's arms flailed about from the mouth of the Kraken, right as its tentacles stuffed the head into its mouth, right as its mandibles crunched on the arms.

With his vorpal cleaver, the chef had managed to slice off one of the seamonster's ten tentacles (that's why they're called tentacles, isn't it?), which writhed about on the ground. As the Knave stared at the horrific appendage bleeding unknown fluids the colour of vileness itself, another one curled around his waist and pulled him in. It was a matter of life and death.

With no other choices, the Knave hesitantly, and then rapidly, shoved his half eaten Kit Kat bar into the Kraken's mouth. And then, the grip on him slackened. The thing, as the Knave was prone to addressing it at the start, quickly acquired a taste of chocolate of the highest quality, and the King had to revise immigration policies to allow for the influx of Belgian and Swiss chocolatiers. Many happy childhood days were spent by the beach, Knave in one tentacle and pure criollo chocolate in another.

Hence it should come as no surprise that when the Knave joined the navy officially, the Kraken came along as well. By that time it was a massive colossus of a thing, with not enough measuring tape in the kingdom to ascertain its length. There was no way it could go onto a ship. Not disheartened, the Kraken slid into the sea and pushed the ship ahead of it. And they realised what a good idea that was.

The symbiosis was complete when the King moved half of the kingdom's chocolate production offshore, onto the ship. The ship had all the propulsion and firepower it would ever need, and the Kraken, all the chocolate. Some marriages are made in heaven, indeed.

And when it was time to christen the ship, there should be no surprise then, that they named it after the Queen of Spades...

XI

The printing press was invented in 1439, by Johannes Gutenberg. It worked by pressing an inked surface down on the medium, whether vellum or paper. Gutenberg produced durable types by using lead alloys.

The impact of the printing press was great; information could be preserved and disseminated, and literacy grew. This led to rapid social, cultural and scientific advancements.

XII

He had come for business just a week ago. No trade was made. But, what a week. He couldn't wait to talk about it; had to talk about it. He had come to the land of Hearts, intent on purchasing top secret military supplies vital to the continued existence of the navy. Mostly cocoa liquor and cocoa butter.

What first struck him was a couple of what seemed to be large, low-lying clouds right above the kingdom. When he asked a passerby, he found out they were flying steamships, each heavily armed with cannons. The rapid militarisation had to be a precursor to something. The Spade wished it was not what he thought it would be.

A costume party where he was not invited.

Consumed by curiosity, he had to find out. So he sauntered down to the shipyard, easily located by the clang of metal on metal. But it was not an ordinary day at the shipyard.

Not unless the Queen of Hearts visited the shipyard everyday.

In which case a massive costume party was indeed imminent.

Surreptitious, he crept to the wall. Too far away. He could not hear a thing. He would have to try a more direct approach. A uniformed shipyard worker walked past.

An unclothed shipyard worker lay on the ground. He had been the Five of Hearts.

A uniformed shipyard worker walked back, very slowly, past the Queen of Hearts, deep in conversation with the supervisor. They did not notice anything amiss, because from the back, all cards looked the same.

"Ship production quota of 100 has been met?" interrogated the Queen.

"Yes, Your Majesty. Pardon me for asking, but how are we going to man all of the ships? There are only ten of us."

"That is very simple. Come with me and I will show you."

So the Queen walked off. The supervisor followed. A uniformed shipyard worker followed.

The Queen led the supervisor into a roadside cellar, the door left slightly ajar. Somewhere back on the road, an unconscious, naked and unhelmeted supervisor lay on the ground, next to a heap of a shipyard worker's uniform. He was an Eight of Hearts.

"What is this machine, Your Majesty?"

"The answer to our population crisis. Our Biologist has been hard at work, and finally he has found the means to create clones."

"Wouldn't it be strange to have so many of the same cards, Your Majesty?"

"We wouldn't know until we try it and get used to it, would we?"

"That is true, but what are we going to do with such large numbers and so many steamships?"

"What would you do if you had such great numbers and power?"

"Go on a cruise around the world?"

"That is a good start, but there must be a greater purpose. One that will change the world, and last through time."

"Throw a huge costume party?"

"Maybe when we're done with what we have to do. It is our duty to ensure the survival and dominance of our suit. Unadulterated by the presence of other, lesser suits."

"How do we ensure that?"

"We go to war. We're going to flush all the black cards straight out of this world. Everything will be red and rosy in the future I envision."

"Would it be right to do so? Aren't black cards cards as well?"

"Think about it for a moment. You are walking down the street, and there are two starving cards. One is a Heart, and the other is a Spade. Which would you save?"

"The Spa...Heart."

"See, you have already made the choice in your mind. The amount of resources in this world is finite. It cannot sustain everyone. It is only right that we seize our future, rather than die together with the rest."

"But, by such means?"

"Do you not imagine that the Spades would do the same thing if they had the ability as well?"

"I...cannot imagine what a Spade would do."

"Yes, of course, I forgot. They are far beneath us, incapable of such deep thought and great achievements. Nonetheless they are problematic. Do you remember when we used to be the world's greatest producer of chocolates, especially chocolate hearts? Every Valentine's Day our coffers would overflow. I have not seen that for the past ten years. Our economy has suffered."

"Perhaps we should diversify into other areas?"

"No, that is our niche, and ours alone. Everything was caused by the Spades. We must remove every single one of them from this world. EVERY SINGLE ONE!"

With that, the Queen stormed out of the cellar. Alone, except for the deep thought that seemed to have a life of its own, the Spade shuddered. Was there truly so much difference between the suits? Even the difference in colour was unnoticeable once he had donned clothes and headgear to cover the markings. Perhaps it was one of those cases, where the fiercest fights were between brothers. Were the Hearts justified? What should he do?

He had to hurry back. Once across the borders, he threw off the supervisor's helmet. Not because he was not used to such headgear, for he was costume partygoer extraodinaire, and also secret agent for His Majesty. The markings across his head were clearly visible now, two spades, and the number 7 in the corner. He would warn his people. For he was Double O Seven.

XIII

Dire news of such a manner were unprecedented in Wonderland, which was partly why there were no newspapers around. The King of Spades reacted swiftly. He set a task for all the king's men and all the king's horses (none actually, Kraken notwithstanding). "Bring me a valiant Knight who can defeat the Hearts."

So it was the familiar face of an Ace of Spades that greeted Newton when he was looking at an old looking glass of his. This breach of the rules of Opticks as he had laid out years ago shocked him momentarily. And a greater breach of rules was to come.

The card spoke to him.

"Good evening, sir. Where might I secure the services of a Knight?"

The wizened man of knowledge replied that the card was in luck, for it was speaking to one at this very moment, but what business might a talking card have with a knight, or a card with talking?

There was only one way the Ace could show him, so having requested that the Knight don his panoply, and having been assured that the Knight needed no such accessories, the card pulled Newton through the looking glass.

Bright blue and pink glowed all around. The Knight and the card were falling rapidly down, accelerating all the way. It was much of a surprise to Newton that other nearby bodies were flying in other directions at incredible speeds. Were they Comets? The metallic shine and perfectly round shapes seemed to disprove that theory. He would have to investigate more later.

XIV

Just as Newton wondered why gravity had no effect on the crown adorning the inverted, bottom head of the King, frowns formed on both the King's faces.

"Sir Isaac Newton, if you are indeed a Knight, where are your armour and sword and mount?"

"I do not need those, Your Majesty. I am protected by faith, armed with science and ride on knowledge. If you need those, you might have found the wrong knight."

The King showed both faces of anger; that of burning rage and of cold, seething displeasure, but the Ace stepped in.

"Perhaps he could be of some use, Your Majesty. Let us test him first."

The King agreed that it was indeed wiser to see the Knight's abilities before passing judgement.

What better way of testing a Knight than having him slay a Jabberwock? It had only ever been done once, with a vorpal sword. The King felt a tinge of sadism upon setting the Quest, that might as well have been a sentence.

And when Newton came galumphing back with its head, or rather a golden sculpture of its head, the King was surprised.

"I set you a Quest for the Jabberwock, and you return with a golden head instead?"

"It is indeed the head of the Jabberwock, transmogrified to pure gold."

"You are a worthy Knight, it seems, but how did you do it to such a manxome foe?"

"The results of many years of study had yielded what I believed was the Philosopher's Stone. Yet it never worked. The strange nature of this land convinced me to try again here, and that was met with success. Even more fortunate, that the Jabberwock was indeed a Mechanical Monster, made of some metal."

So it is now known, that Newton's studies in Alchemy were more successful than imagined.

XV

Right after his appointment as Commodore, Commanding Officer of the Queen of Spades, he inspected the ship, and then received a strategic briefing in the Ops Room of the vessel.

"It is all fine, but if as you say, our enemies have flying ships, we must get ours in the air as well."

The crew stifled a unified chuckle.

"How do we get such a heavy Kraken in the air, Sir?" ventured Four.

"We simply have to counter the force of gravity. I have an idea. Ace, bring me back to the place between places, where we travelled to get here."

XVI

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

XVII

The battle came. With the Kraken on their side, the Spades were an unstoppable force. Ships were torn asunder. Yet, the Kraken began to tire quickly, and the enemy vessels became more heavily armoured. It was not over yet.

Newton realised what was happening, and applied what was left of his synthesis of the Philosopher's Stone onto one of the Kraken's tentacles. It was truly a Midas touch. The soft golden hulls folded easily under the Kraken's strength.

It was not long before they spotted the white flag of surrender at the palace, raised by the Queen of Hearts herself. The enemy steamships landed, and their crews got off as well.

It was then that the King of Spades came onto the deck.

"Now's our chance, boys! Tear every single one of them to bits!"

The Seamen were happy to carry out the orders issued, though Newton was against it. The black, blue, muscled mollusc grabbed all the cards he could, crushing some, chewing some with its mandibles, dumping the rest on board for the Spades to finish off. Which they did with more than professional glee. Stabbing, tearing with their bare hands. Paper bits. Red hearts lying about, as if in some kind of sacrifice to pagan gods that would make even the Aztecs shudder. The sound of paper being ripped. So much noise nothing was heard at all. A bloodless scene of carnage. Above all these, the moon silently watched. The night was an ocean, and everything was sinking deeper and deeper, even the moon...

It was as if the true nature of the Kraken had been awakened.

It was as if the true nature of the men had been awakened.

And suddenly, when the battle seemed to have been going on forever, everything around turned white. And then they were all seated.

XVIII

The Judge: The Snark
The Jury: The Snark
Witnesses: The Snark
Defendants: The Queen of Hearts, The King of Spades, Sir Isaac Newton, Just Read the Dramatis Personae Won't You? Oh There Isn't One?

The Queen of Hearts was called up first, for the crime of starting a war.

"At this time of fifteen hundred and twelve,
what do you have to say for yourself?"
asked the Judge.

"It was a righteous war I started, to purify the world and solve the problems that ailed my land."

"Fudge! Your racist attitude rancidly stinks,
no war ever started was righteous,
I find in your blaming that there are no links,
now go, take your seat if you would just,"
exclaimed the Snark, Judge, who called the King of Spades up next.

"I was acting to preserve my sovereignty, and in defence of my suit!"

"Fudge! Your sins in the battle were clear,
you continued laying siege,
though the Hearts did surrender,
now what do you say to that, my liege?"

The King had nothing to say, and so Sir Isaac Newton was next.

"I was defending the Spades from attack, but when victory was clear they still chose to kill."

"As for your case it is hard to decide,
it was not purely your fault I should say,
back where you came from you shall take a ride,
but forget not what transpired this day."

The rest of the defendants, those combatants lucky, or in some cases unlucky, enough to be alive, were left to the Jury.

The Snark, Jury, said simply, "GUILTY!"

The King of Spades laughed and started saying something.

XIX

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

'And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

XX

As suddenly as they had been whisked to the court, everyone else within vanished. And then, Newton found himself back in his room, as though no time had elapsed. On his desk, was a deck of cards.

XXI

In the midst of the word he was trying to say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He had softly and suddenly vanished away---
For the Snark _was_ a Boojum, you see.

XXII

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.