My Modest Proposal

Following is a disclaimer for those of you unfamiliar with Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal or satire. Even if you are, I highly recommend you read the last two or three sentences.
Satire: A literary technique of writing or art which principally ridicules its subject often as an intended means of provoking or preventing change. Humor is often used to aid this. (Retrieved from en.wiktionary.org) As an imitation of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, in my proposal, I pretend to agree with the opposite of my personal view so as to, in a way, make fun of those who oppose my personal view. I also do this while intentionally taking things to an extreme level. Some examples of satirical movies would be Zoolander, Best in Show, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Death to Smoochy. Try to read my proposal with and open mind as I intend to, in the end, provoke thought and discussion, not rage or close-mindedness. If you still think that I am serious by the end of this proposal after reading my disclaimer, you are beyond help. I also have no desire to have you attempt to argue with me over my beliefs, as that is an argument rarely won, but feel free to open-mindedly and maturely discuss my proposal with me even if you have an opinion differing from mine. I like to hear what the other side has to say as long as they don’t argue and they discuss their point intelligently.
Thank you and enjoy.

A Modest Proposal
For
Preventing Homosexuals From Negatively Influencing Others
And For Turning Them Into Valuable Members Of Society

It turns my stomach as I visit the many cities of California and other states in this country, when I see flamboyantly clad individuals waving rainbow flags, being affectionate towards others of the same gender, and waving signs that read “equality for all.” These homosexuals, who once had the choice of conforming to society, have now corrupted themselves and the communities around them. They have not been restricted nearly enough and their influence has unfortunately spread.

I think that everyone would agree that these individuals are a threat to our children and our conservative lives. It is most disturbing when children are poisoned with ideas of men falling in love with men and women falling in love with women. It is even worse to think that gay marriage may eventually be taught in schools if we do not resolve the problem. Homosexuals are a burden upon our great nation. Therefore, I have studied the problem and found a solution to it that would make these unacceptable people valuable members of society and would prevent their negative influence from spreading. 

There are a great number of homosexuals and they exist in every level of society and in every area of America. Consequentially, they affect everyone. The damages that homosexuals inflict upon society much outweigh the benefits they can provide if they are to remain homosexual. Because of this, we cannot allow them to live or work among us, as they are; for fear of having them corrupt our society. In addition, homosexuals will begin to publicly protest what they believe is “unfair” treatment unless a solution is found.

My proposal is great in that it will further scientific research and assisted reproductive technology, promote peace and heterosexuality, reduce violence and suicide, reduce outsourcing, decrease societal corruption, protect our children’s minds, and finally, give homosexuals another chance to become valuable heterosexual members of society.

Now, I will humbly offer my solution, of which I hope I will not be responsible, to rid our nation of homosexuals and to grant ourselves the previously mentioned benefits.

First and foremost, all homosexuals will donate their reproductive cells to science. Once donated, the reproductive cells can be utilized to achieve many aspirations. One, the reproductive cells may be used to further “gender cleansing” research. Scientists have already studied how male homosexuality may be prevented through manipulating the X chromosome. Even though research may provide us with ways to genetically prevent homosexuality, it is also understood that part of being homosexual is a choice. The presence of the chromosome that is believed to promote homosexuality in males should only be recognized as a factor that makes the choice to remain heterosexual more difficult. With good parenting and/or therapy, an individual may overcome this, but that will be discussed later. With the donated reproductive cells, our scientists can study the cells and may be able to discover a way to harmlessly manipulate chromosomes to prevent homosexuality all together. Reproductive cells not being used for “gender cleansing” research may be used to further assisted reproductive technology. It is already known that donated sperm can be used to treat infertility so that a woman may become pregnant. It is also known that the more sperm used to inseminate a woman, the higher the pregnancy rate is. In addition, Lesbian women could donate their entire ovaries so that their eggs could be harvested to benefit infertile women. With the donated reproductive cells, infertile heterosexual couples will be given a chance to have a child. As assisted reproductive procedures are expensive, the excess in available reproductive cells will lower the costs of the procedure. In the donation of their sperm, homosexual men would not suffer changes in appearance or hormone levels. Some may argue that this would be unfair to homosexual women because with the loss of hormones from the removal of their ovaries, they may develop more masculine characteristics. However, this would not matter since they aren’t trying to attract men anyway.

Secondly, based off the belief that homosexuality is a choice, we may give homosexuals a second chance to be heterosexual. Homosexuals will be searched out and rounded up and placed into re-education camps. Here they will be taught about how to be heterosexual by the best teachers and therapists. They will learn of their wrongs and will be prepared for an upright, conservative, and heterosexual lifestyle. The funds for these re-education camps will come from the homosexuals residing there. While living at the re-education camps, they will make products for top companies such as Nike, Apple, Coca-Cola, Microsoft, PepsiCo, Samsonite, Sprint, Target, Nabisco, and Nordstrom. The companies listed and the vast amount other companies they will be able to choose from, are all guilty of outsourcing. With the jobs taken over by individuals in re-education camps, we will be able to greatly reduce outsourcing in our country. Companies will not object to this because individuals in re-education camps will not be subject to minimum wage laws. The companies will only experience a slight increase in taxes so that food and clothing may be provided for the campers. If a camper shows progress during their stay at the re-education camp, they will transfer up a grade as if in school. This will continue until they have reached “third grade” which would indicate that they have completely been re-educated into heterosexuality. Then they will graduate from re-education camp and be integrated into society. Once in society, they can choose to date and marry someone of the opposite gender, or remain alone. If they remain alone, they will be required to continue to donate their valuable reproductive cells.

Those who graduate from re-education camp will be an example to all other homosexuals. They will also benefit society by no longer corrupting it. These re-educated individuals will also contribute to increases in peace and heterosexuality as well as decreases in suicide and violence. Peace will be increased because less friendships and marriages will be ended due to someone in the relationship “coming out of the closet.” There will be less homosexuals rallying for “fair treatment.” There will be less violence and suicides due to lack of acceptance or tolerance. There will be less societal discontent because everyone will have the same sexuality and therefore cannot be discriminated against because of it. Some may argue that placing homosexuals in re-education camps is un-ethical. However, it is quite the opposite. In the Constitution of the United States, it says that “all men are created equal.” Homosexuals deprive themselves of this equality through their alternative lifestyle choice. Lesbians, in their lesbianism, inadequately take on the role that a man would offer for another woman in their romantic relationships. So, while they feel their gender identity may have altered they are still not a part of the men in the “all men are created equal” portion of the Constitution. Gay men inadequately attempt the role a woman would have for another man in their relationships. In this way, they are decreased to being less than men and also don’t apply in the “all men are created equal” phrase. Re-education camps provide homosexuals with a second chance to be equal. So, re-education camps are really quite ethical and beneficial institutions.

Thirdly, to further prevent the spread of homosexuality and societal corruption, those homosexuals who do not progress in re-education camps or who resist this proposal shall be publicly burned at the stake. Some may argue that publicly killing them would be cruel and unnecessary. However, killing homosexuals who resist the opportunity for re-education, heaven knows why they would, will help us to rid our country of potential violent protesters and discontent within our society. If an individual is already resisting, that means that they are not very far from bombing buildings and burning down homes. So, rather than have them waste away in the already overcrowded jails, we can publicly burn them at the stake. This way, they will provide an example to all those who wish to resist. Burning them is also more logical than hanging them or lethally injecting them because it lessens the amount of bodies in the ground. With fewer bodies to bury, fewer trees will have to be cut down to create caskets. Also, more businesses, housing, and parks may be built on land that would otherwise be wasted on cemetery plots. With these radical homosexuals gone, we will no longer have to worry that our children’s minds are being corrupted with their unorthodox ideas and beliefs.

This proposal will also allow America to be a great example to other nations so that the world may undergo “gender cleansing”. Some may say that a problem would not exist if we learned to be tolerant of those with different sexualities like we have with individuals of different races and religious beliefs in the past. While that may appear to be the more logical solution, my proposal reaps many more benefits. I have nothing to gain from this proposal, because I am not homosexual nor do I surround myself with homosexual individuals. Through my proposal, we may become a more pure nation, a feat that many leaders in history have attempted. In this way, America’s future will be untainted, our children’s minds will remain uncorrupted, violence and suicide will be reduced, and peace can be obtained as well as maintained.