Sleepless nights again

Sleepless Nights part 2:  10 seconds is a lifetime

         It's 1:43 am as I am writing this. I don't know when it will be done, but I can't sleep. In about five hours I will have to be at work. The summer heat is incredible. I have tossed and turned all night long. I logged onto Writing.com several times to do rate and review sessions. At odd hours of the night I keep wondering how many people like myself turn towards literature in order to cope with their sleep disorders? It's an unanswered question; much like all my questions. As I rate and review I come across the survey of my ex. I look at the title and I pause. A part of me cringes in fear. She asked me to avoid contact with her, and for the most part I have.

         Five years ago to this very day, that was the last time I heard from her. Her voice was melancholy, I presumed that her grandmother had passed away. I offered her my condolences, but she stopped me short. She said she had to tell me something and that she has spent so much time thinking about it. She had talked it over with her friends and family; it was a difficult decision. I held my breath, time stood still. For all medical purposes, I was dead in those 10 seconds. You see and hear about it from people all the time. That moment of being 'let go'. It's almost as if you are a fish, and that you are too small to be considered a 'good catch'. Have they ever thought about it from the fish's point of view? Being a good catch, means being appreciated. But being a 'bad catch' means being let go. And right now, she was on the verge of letting me go. Since the time that I have known her, I felt that I could always be myself. I felt the certainty of life. I was no longer that nerdy kid who felt the need to impress people around me. I had a greater sense of who I was and a boost of self confidence and vitality.

         The pause that lasted 10 seconds. The memory of that day is etched into my skin. It was the most painful moment of my life. "I can't be with you," she said. But in truth I didn't know, and that's what hurt the most. I didn't see any signs of our relationship falling apart. I kept thinking how all of this was just a cruel joke. I waited and waited for her to surprise me with those words April fools!, but the moment never came. She continued "I feel isolated and I resent myself when I am with you. This whole time, I've been convincing myself that things will change, but they haven't. So right now, I have to be strong and I am breaking up with you."

         You witness it a hundred times on television and in movies. But the moment of impact never feels the same way. In the movies, men don't cry, they take it as it is and they move on. For me, I was startled. I couldn't say a word and if there was ever a moment for me to say something this was it. But the little nerd inside of me awoke from his long slumber. His voice creaked and squealed from the depths of my soul. He said that love was never possible for someone like me. He whispered to me that I wasn't good enough for her. I covered my ears and hoped to ignore him. But his voice was coming from within me; I couldn't shut him out.

         It is now 1:58 am, the passage of time plays tricks on me. That inner nerd, he made his point. I tried to say something to her, but I didn't know what I could say or do to persuade her to be with me. This phone call seemed to last a life time and yet it only became a brevity of memory as I recollect it all.

         I told her how important she was to me. I told her that I loved her more than anyone in all my life. It was all on the phone, I couldn't see her expression, I couldn't read her mind. My words fell on deaf ears, as she told me again and again that it was over. Reality can be a hard pill to swallow. No matter how much I wanted to be with her; she had already made up her mind. The little nerd laughed at me again. He heckled and jeered at me. I wanted him to shut up, this was a battle that I could win. I needed to think strategically. In a game of chess there was always an answer. She had made the first move, and I had made the second move. So far her resolve was beating me into submission. I kept asking her what went wrong; hoping to buy sometime. She answered truthfully and concisely. Her testimony weakened me even further. She was so meticulous about it. Every nuance, everything I said or did in the past were captured in minute detail. How could I win against such an opponent?

         Someone once told me that when the heart and mind do not work in unison, there is no chance of victory. That statement proved to be very true. I wanted her, but I realized that she wasn't happy with me. No matter how much I tried to compromise and change myself; it wasn't enough for her. I looked around my room, there were several mementos of the time she lived with me. Ours was a different type of relationship. It was long distance. I met her as a pen pal when I was in the Navy. I was stationed in Japan and she lived in Australia. Worlds apart, but somehow we had common ground. Our interests overlapped and we frequently shared our dreams with each other. It was mutual acceptance that lead to us becoming more than friends. As the years went by, we decided it wasn't such a bad thing if we started dating. Like so many things, I was a coward and it was her that made the first move. I loved her bravery, I loved her intelligence and I loved being with her. Even if we were worlds apart, it felt good knowing that someone out there knew how I felt and felt the same way.

         Its 2:12 and my mind wanders aimlessly with these memories of fives years ago. If you are following along I congratulate your efforts. It's not easy keeping up with me. I recall pressing the telephone tightly against my ear. I heard her breathing. She didn't want to hang up on me. She called me earlier that night to tell me something important. I was hoping that she was going to move here to Seattle to be with me. But it wasn't good news. In fact it was a nightmare. If she had told me that she had cheated on me; I could forgive her with time. But tonight she decided to end it. She told me that once this conversation is over, she will delete me from her life. All the letters will be thrown away, all the emails deleted, and most of all the pictures of me will be tossed. Every memory that she has of me will be discarded. I knew her very well, and I know that she meant every word of it.

         After prolonging the inevitable for so long, I finally understood that it was hopeless. She had made up her mind and she was only pitying me for being such a coward. I bent down and covered my face with my hands. No tears would be shed. My heart was broken and I didn't want her to know it. "I guess this is good bye then..."

         I expected her to say more, but all she said was, "Good bye Vantha." Then she hung up.

         It's 2:33 am. It's weird how these horrible memories resurface at moments like these. I haven't spoken to her in five years. I miss her dearly, but I keep telling myself that it's better for her if I respect her wishes. I will never know exactly why she ended it. I always thought that there would be a compromise between two people who loved each other. Maybe that was the reason? Maybe she didn't love me anymore and she was the first one to make the move? Too many questions, and not enough answers. I stare at the survey she put up on writing.com. It's ironic even as I read it now. It says, True love, does it exist? I think about the question over and over in my mind and I can't help but believe the one voice that emanates from within me. “Yes, I still believe in true love.”

         I know that I am violating my promise to her, but I hope that she will understand. I have already given her five years. From Seattle to Sydney, we are  7769 miles apart or for those of you  using metric we are 12500 km apart.

         It's now 2:54 am. I have only four hours left before I go to work. Tomorrow I will be tired, I will drink coffee and I will tell myself that what I did was the right thing. I've tried living a good life, and that's the best that I can do. For some people, 10 seconds is a life time. Good night, I am going to bed now; you should do the same.

         In case you're wondering, here's the survey"Invalid Item"