Numb

i was sad once,
a child on a swingset,
bitter tears dribbling
down soft cheeks.
it wasn't fair.
it wasn't my fault.
i didn't understand.

i was afraid once,
trembling and bleeding in the dark.
he'd hurt me,
not for the first time and
not for the last.
it wasn't fair.
it must be my fault.
i still didn't understand.

i was ashamed once,
hiding again in my closet,
cuddled close with my toys,
my friends.
running from the names:
fat, ugly, stupid, useless.
it was fair.
it was my fault.
i was starting to understand.

i was forced, more than once;
again and again 'til
it was barely force, it was
acceptance, resignation.
'til the tears stopped and
the screams quieted.
i was silenced.
i understood.

now i am numb.