Exterminated Dreams

I started writing quite by accident three years ago, due to having it forced upon me; the ex-partner decided it was a much better option to ignore my cries for help. Not realizing myself, that one had the worst case of depression, anyone could imagine. I was and still am in love with this man, who promised me the world, only to give me the sense in the end, that the whole relationship was a lie.

For it, was the first time I ever felt what it was to like to fall in love, at the age of thirty-six, one might think that crazy, but in fact, it's not when you've been abused all your life. It only takes one person, that has that special form of concealment, to real the other person in. Elongated for such along time and desperately wanted to feel something other than constant pain, worked well for him. It has made it very difficult for myself to come to terms with, even though a year has nearly past, there is not a day that goes by, I do not think of him, sometimes I can still smell and taste him, depending on what memory has come flooding back. So I guess I truly found my soul mate, he just couldn’t see past what I warned him about, when we first met, what would happen if he allowed them "family” or any of my past to interfere, in our relationship.

He imbedded another painful memory that will forever be impregnated with the rest of the unwanted pain. He allowed me to find the unconditional love, that one missed growing up, grab it like a rotten mango squeezing it until he found the seed to plant another round of irreparable trauma. Which has destroyed my chance of ever allowing anyone else in? Mind you not for the lack of trying, but i do cringe if they get close.

I still encounter my bad days with the depression, not as bad as it was when he first left, the physical pain of your heart breaking, don’t happen as much as it used to, but it is still their in the pit of my stomach, as a reminder of what happens when evil hits you head on. The less one has to endure when it comes to depression, might help heel the pain and suffering.

Nevertheless, having a support net work greatly increases ones ability, to over come the pain.  For me, so much lose over the years and especially in the past three years, in not having that support net work of family or the government departments that are in place for victims, like myself has taken its toll. Just to get the closer one needs to get on with life, would be enough to help deal with the rest of their bullshit.

I have lost the ability to trust anyone, that dares to get close, it has become a very lonely place to live in. For something so simple, as communication, could have fixed it in the beginning, has also destroyed not just myself, but my eleven-year-old son who also had to endure my bad days, sitting with me for hours while I cried endlessly, holding each other till, eventually we fell asleep in each others arms. A loneliness both of us have to try and get past.  For the reason why it what was given to the both of us, I dont think it will ever pass, well not the memories.

I just hope my son want end up hating me like my other children do, because of what other relationships have made all of us endure over the years.

For that I do apologize to all I gave life too, for not being strong enough, to not allow evil to hit us so hard, but when you have an army of evil, it is extremely hard when you are only one person on the battle field of trying to save lives. I do love all of you, I am proud of you, and I do understand why you feel the way you all do, I feel it too, I just wish I could take it away, and throw it in the trash with the rest of the garbage. I am sorry.

Inducing a person to feel such a pain, is cruel. I could have kept living with my own pain and suffering regarding the sexual abuse my stepfather had made one endure, if the ex-collaborator was true to his love. However, when it encroached a greater being “My Daughter” brought the completely insidious thing to a level of not understanding why it had to happen in the first place. Shame and guilt came back to force more punishment, on others that should have never been exposed. Therefore does make my mother guilty for the repeated history my children go through.

Over the years hearing her declare, “You made your bed, now you can lay in it” well, I have to say it, but. “fuck you” I never made it this way, (mother) you did, because you never cared for any of us, and I am so tired of having to pay for all your mistakes, the infectious diseases’  mistakes, and everyone else’s inability not to take responsibility, for what they also cause one to endure.

The way I see it you have stolen my children, therefore you stole my life, I look back on all the things that has happened over the years and there is not one thing I can honestly say, never warrented any of the abuse that was given so freely. I am far from stupid or dumb, in addition, I could have been somebody, you ripped it from me without care or feeling for any long-term affects, it would end up creating.

Do you have any idea what it is like to not have a mother or father, especially not to have you in my life, as a real mother? One that loves and care for her child; you psychologically tortured me by using my children for your own self-gratification to punish me and programmed everyone else to believe in you. You are heartless, evil, and vindictive, you have no soul. in addition, training my baby sister to be just like you. A true narcissist; pitiless to the core and for that I hope you are proud and happy.

I sit back and try to wonder what life would be like, if either of them, "My Parents" had not started the worlds greatest downgrade on my life. Could I have had that white picket fence, I always dream about?. The way a family should be, when one is having problems.

To lend a helping hand no matter how small it is.  God; just to have been able to talk to you, would have been enough, without you blabbing to the world, on what I have done or needed, deciding to take it all away.  Because in the end it does, and has had a fatal effect, on the minds and souls that craved for stability, a sense of belonging, that someone really does love and care about you.  There is something, I so badly want to tell you, but it is one I will not write, because it will not just hurt you, it will hurt too many other people and unlike you, I am not that cruel.

Therefore, if you ever decide the need to know what my knowledge is, I am sure you still know were I live. There is a whole world full of unsavory people and it certainly hits a lot closer to home than you think. When you decide to tell others what one has done, they feel they can do what they please, say what they like, and touch what they think they can have, you really haven't a clue what you created for me over the years.

I can say this, if it was not for writing, I know, I could very well take my own life, has came very close on several occasions. To have others place it there is inconceivable, why they chose ignorance over communication, is beyond me, I do not understand it and I do not think I ever will, and trying to live with it is a task in itself.

The only thing that has stopped me are my children, and having seen what affect it has on the people you leave behind; a pain one should not have to endure. Over time, we become a fading memory. I have no doubt that the memories of my past and present they would accept with open arms if I did. They show me no different alive to feel other wise.

We should be able to make our own choices in life, make our own mistakes so we can learn from them, not have them forced upon us, for self-gratification or because you are unable to find ways to communicate, by them doing that; they took the power away for me to be who I wanted to be, “A Mother, Grandmother, and Somebody’s Wife”. I have no choices left, only what is handed too me, I am alone because of their choice not to care. Therefore, one must find a voice so as others can read; how easy it is when you find that voice, for others to become evil to the point of possibly driving someone to their death.

My goal in writing, “Exterminated Dreams” are for the individuals that have left the scars that will never completely heal. In the hope for them, to try to understand the heartbreak and anguish, one has had to endure because of “One mans insidious mind and one woman’s malicious maneuvers” that has eventually destroyed so many lives, as well as my own. As a child, we only crave for the unconditional love, so we can feel we belong in the family-unit.

My name is Trish Winters, forty-four next birthday, and this is my autobiography on what “Three Decades” of every type of abuse one could possibly have to endure. I am a mother, grandmother and defiantly used to be somebody’s partner; well a few to many, one would more than likely say. This might sound negative to most, but there were times of great joy in my life throughout all these ordeals, but nonetheless the majority out weighted the minority.

All forms of abuse are serious and I feel it is about time the government took a closer look at what does happen to those lost in the paper work, just having physical and sexual abuse as a chargeable offence, is not enough; mental, emotional, and financial abuse, need to be among them. I know Victoria has placed their new laws, but the rest of the country has to follow suit. We deserve to live our lives free from all abuse, be it child, women or man.

Lifetimes of experiences do not go unscathed and time eventually catches up to you when you have to deal with the abuse on a daily basis. The majority of abusers are family related, and for most start as a child, it is sad to see it pushed aside and ignored when one is so young. In addition even sadder if it follows you into adulthood.

Having to endure, other forms of abuse; because you are trying to find ways to cope with past memories. Alternatively, something else has triggered the cyclic affect. While the government and legal system continue to ignore, our health system will only increase its volume, substance abuse is only going rise, and our children, will continue to being bullied’ or become a bully. Our crime rate is only going to escalate, and the victims will still have to fight for someone to hear them, stipulating that, if they are strong enough, not to lose that fight to suicide.

It is hard to explain on paper, when it comes to writing about yourself and the experiences you have gone through. Especially when those who choose to keep the mental abuse going, by say you are only thinking of yourself, or trying to lay blame.

I can say this though;  if they think I enjoy this life, they are sorely wrong, I would certainly love to have something happy to write about; who knows maybe one day I will, but for now while it continues to infect my life like the plague, or when the person I took to trial, pays for what he started. So yes;  now I do want it in jail, so he knows what it feels like, to be their. I might not have had bars,but they certainly locked me in, the emotions are know different.

I will not stop until he gets what he deserves. So walking away does end up creating other feelings, like revenge I guess. Sad really, when all I wanted in the first place was an apology. It has deffaintly past that point now.

  Getting all your emotions out, for someone else to feel, is the hardest. Because, we are different when it comes to those emotions, some of us feel them more than others do, and some of us do not feel anything at all. The way I have seen it over the years; if you do not feel any empathy for anothers pain and suffer, can sweep it under the carpet. This is when one can become the abuser, more so, when programming a child to believe all is true, therefore making them to become a follower, as so many children do.

I have certainly seen it hit my own children over the years; was in possible trying to stop the abuse, trying to find those who would listen. I have failed. I failed them and I. Maybe; by trying not to put a foot wrong over the years, so as I could belong to the family unit, was my biggest mistake. One should have just walked away herself.

I never made friends easy and for most of the time I tried not to, because I knew, would ultimately, be driven away because of the unfounded optimism. I really hated my childhood, I always felt that I had to prove my self-worth if I was to be accepted. As I got older, it only continued to escalate even more. The more I seemed to try to find ways for them “my parents” to see any good in me, the more they made me feel I was bad, unwanted, and useless. 

Turned into the “black sheep” before I even knew what it meant, my sisters would get dolls for Christmas, I would get cloths. I was always the half sister never the big sister, constantly getting into trouble for things they had done, or taking the brunt of it even though they had a helping hand. I lost the ability to ask for help, there was this constant fear in asking for anything.

Revolved that fear into shear terror, turning all my dreams as little girl, into a living nightmare. A torture I must continue to endure, even today. “WHY?”

Because the stepfather, felt the need to take my innocents away, and a mother that chose to be vindictive because of her own selfish reasons. It amazes me what lengths a person will go to, to make himself or she look good, it amazes me even more, when people can see abuse happening and would rather ignore it, then go to even greater lengths to cause other problems to cover the abuse up....

That is, what happened, regarding my ex-collaborator of just recently, some how managed to have this “fucking halo” over his head, couldn’t come to terms with his own failed attempts in trying to be somebody he certainly was not.

Were does this man get off; he marries two sisters, spends two years with oldest first, so I am lead to believe, then twenty years with the next. Has children to both women, makes one of the children believe he is his real father. Comes, across as if the sun shines out of his ass “PLEASE” Was a user of LSD in his younger days, smoked pot, drank like a fish, and starts using ice later in life.

The perfect host had the perfect faces, always likable and lovable, butter would not melt in his mouth. So after twenty-two years: why fucking me? One can only think perfection was too hard to keep up with all appearances. Makes one feel like, all was a setup to begin with... Not long after we met, I find out this man had been associated with the family, due to his ex-wife being best friends with my sister’s mother in laws.

He knew of me before I ever knew of him, and it surely does make one feel, not only wonder if, and violated, but gives a sense, that he deliberately wasted eight years of my life. Roping me into fall madly in love with him, just to put the noose around my neck for the last time. Spent four years building me up making promises that he had no intention in keeping, then spends the next four years dragging me down.

Used my past as a weapon to destroy everything I believed in, loved and cared for. Just like my mother had done. Turning the pain, you have normally every year, when you have lost someone through death, to which was the son I had lost through cot death, say nasty things regarding it.

If only he could have shown just an ounce of compassion for what was happening at the time, just maybe one would not feel so fucking denigrated or lost in trying to find some peace in life. It was a case of downgrade my life, as well as my children and grandchildren, just so he could up grade his own.

How dare he tell me he loves me, then tell me he cannot stand my feelings, especially when it came to my deceased son, he did exactly what my mother did regarding my baby, which is why I feel, he is no better than she.

FOR YOU

You tell me that I missed a whole bunch of things in life, only to induce it more, by letting me use you as a punching bag, to which “Mr. Perfect” who? was it,  that ended up getting help to stop, ain’t it funny, how it only took one visit to see a counselor, to make me realize what I was doing wrong. However, for some reason you wanted to continue the abuse that I never wanted in the first place; begged for your help even though it was you that started it originally. It was you that stopped everything to do with us, and punished me for trying to save it.

I guess one can say these are the questions, that will stay unanswered, like all the rest; but one can only hope you are not as heartless as you make yourself out to be. Maybe one day you could find a soul and tell me why? Because I do know it certainly was not the drugs, because you forced that their. Remember, coming home that day? telling me and crying on my shoulder, what it was the counselor asked you? “Why does a forty-one year old woman all of a sudden turn to hard drugs or end up drinking like a fish”?  that hardly drank at all before meeting you.

One just does not wake up one morning and decide they are going down that road, there has to be something there to push one to the limits. God could you see the pain of the lifetime of abuse one already went through, and never needed to turn to that side of life, until you. But you knew that already, hey baby!

Was it because you woke up and realized you turned me into what you wanted, and then when you decided I was not going to bow down to your mental abuse anymore, especially when you finely got rid of my income and everyone bar my son, around us, you thought one more blow to the guts wont matter. I hate to say it (fuck) you were good though, I give you that much. Just not that good though, they never got our son....

Trying to make me feel guilty for what you could never achieve in your life. I guess becoming old yourself, was also enough for you to one minute, say to me; I would still look beautiful, if I let my hair go very gray, compare me to that singer, shit forgot her name? that’s right;  Ms Emmi Lou Harris, she certainly did look good with long hair and it also being gray. You had to go that extra step and insult me even further by stating that I am looking old.

I looked good and you knew it, but I guess one has to pay a price for just being a bauble, your little trinket by your side, to show off when you wanted. Was it because you could not come to terms, with the fact, that I never lied to you, on what you would eventually end up becoming, created your own reasons to turn me into trash, just to throw me away like I was a piece of garbage, that you created for becoming a mute..

Was just wondering? do you feeling any better, did you end up achieving what it was you wanted to achieve? I guess what I am trying say is, with out being extremely crude, after you spent the last month, not being able to look at me anymore, only wanting me to be your back door girl, did you end up finding out if you were gay? On the other hand, was it just the poor excuse,  because you were seeing someone behind my back? I really hope she/he is worth it, and will be able to handle what you did to me.

You made the fatal mistake in trying to shut me up, you made the fatal mistake in trying to get me to kill myself, finally yet importantly, you certainly made a fatal mistake to hurt my child. Unlike the rest, I have to write to be....

He once said to me "You cannot die from a broken heart"; o boy how wrong he is, might not be in body, but certainly killed my soul by shattering me in to a million pieces, by taking the last bit of dignity I had and made it mean nothing, so for that I hope he is proud and happy in himself, just like my mother. I found my voice and something I most certainly will continue to perfect, so I can acheive my new dream, that you will never take from me again; "my sanity".



To be continued......