Pet Peeve number 4

Today, forks will feel my ramrod of scorn.

Dear gappy pronged implement, where are you when i need you?! I'm positive that most households have no less than twenty three forks in their repetoire, yet when you open the cutlery drawer, theres only a teaspoon and an army of knives grinning back at you. Smug bastards.

I genuinely believe they have a mind of their own and are able to, using sophisticated skullduggery go on holidays without you knowing. I dont just mean a standard cutlery drawer to bathroom toilet via the stairs type scenario. I actually think that they pack a suitcase (I wonder what a forks essential holiday items would include?) and travel to other countrys. Stainless steel asylum seekers the lot of them. How am I supposed to eat my chicken in a civilised manner? Spoons dont have the same sort of camaraderie with knives as forks do. I'd be fighting a losing battle.

I feel the government need to set aside some cash (a few billion say) and provide a hundred extra forks for every household in Britain. If/when that project succeeds, it can be extended worldwide. It needs to be debated in the House of Comons pronto. Education blah. Transport double blah. Politics is a world of blah. Forks...now we're talking.