The strength of the heart (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3:
Moving on.

Trundling up the stairs and into the main door of the apartment block, Jimmy nods hello to the workmen fixing the ever appearing holes in the ceiling, and clutching the shopping he’d been sent out to get, awkwardly rushes past them and starts walking up the stairs towards the apartment. As he reaches the top and looks along the hallway, he can see the front door to their apartment is open, and there are bags and boxes flying around everywhere inside. Moving closer to the apartment he can hear music blasting out and the familiar shrieking sound of Vanessa's singing ringing through the corridoor. He starts walking faster and makes his way over the minefield of objects and into the apartment.
He walks along the hallway and into the living room, which actually, if possible looks even worse than the hallway.
Switching the radio off he looks around confused.

“Ness?” he shouts loudly.

“Why did you turn the music off?” Vanessa says, appearing in the doorway in dungaree’s and a t-shirt of Jimmy’s that should long since have been thrown away.

“Because I could hear it all the way from the store?” he smiles lightly, grabbing Vanessa by the waist. “What the hell are you doing?”

Vanessa looks into Jimmy’s eyes and smiles widely. “I’m moving,” she replies simply, turning on her heels and making her way back to the bedroom.

Jimmy places the shopping down on the overflowing sofa and follows quickly along behind her.
Walking into the bedroom, Jimmy’s eyes meet an unusual, practically empty space, all apart from a few large pieces of furniture obviously out of Vanessa's weight lifting limits.

“What’s going on?” he asks, sitting down on the edge of the empty bed and scratching his stubble, realising it's been too long since his last shave.

“I phoned Charlotte this morning and accepted her offer. We sign the papers and move in tonight.”

Jimmy’s amazed face looks ahead at Vanessa who hasn’t stopped packing clothes away into boxes. She doesn't seem to be using any sort of organised packing order. In fact, it looks like she's unaware of what she's packing where!
She turns around when she hears no sound and looks at Jimmy softly.

“I know it's fast, but we want this don't we, so why wait?” she explains, bending down to pick up the box she just packed full of clothes and other random items that used to clutter their small bedroom. Suddenly Jimmy’s strong arms take the weight of the box from her shaking arms.

"I guess you'll want this in the hallway then?" Jimmy grins widely.

Vanessa nods and opens out another large packing box. Placing it in front of her she begins to fill it with as much junk as she can fit in it.

By the end of the day all of the packing is done, furniture collapsed, and Jimmy’s work van filled to the top with boxes and crates leaving their apartment looking a lot more spacey than they remember it being.
After a very heated phone call to a few removal companies and some strong words shouted at whatever fell on her foot for the fourth time, Vanessa finally feels satisfied that everything is done.
Sitting down on the floor in the empty lounge, Jimmy rests his back against the empty windowsill that was once home to the various strange looking vases and ornaments hoarded by Vanessa over the years. Closing his eyes he starts to imagine the life they are looking forward to. Everything is changing so quickly and he just can't get his head around the fact that tomorrow he will be waking up somewhere new. Sometimes trying to figure things out takes so much energy it just needs to be filed away until tomorrow.
Hearing a noise ahead of him he opens his eyes. Vanessa wanders in sporting a pair of headphones that were unpacked after he neighbours asked for the third time for them to turn the music down . Placing the last of the packing boxes on the floor, she walks over and sits cross-legged at Jimmy’s side.

“You ready?” he whispers.

She nudges over softly and places her head on her usual spot on his chest.

“In a minute.”

Jimmy smiles and rests his head back on the windowsill. A breeze from the open window creeps into the room and spins around their flushed faces, and for a little while they have nothing at all to worry about but how long they can hold each other.
After a few minutes Vanessa looks up at Jimmy and presses her nose against his cheek.

“You worried?” she whispers, silently hoping for his reassurance.

“A little,” he replies, then seeing her broken face, places his hand gently on her small tummy and smiles, “but I’d move the earth for you. We’re going to do this, and it’s going to be the best decision we’ve ever made.”

For a minute it looked like his assurances did the trick, then Vanessa bites her lip and frowns.

“I’m just worried that it’s such a fast decision. We’ve not even thought about it properly. I should have talked it through with you before suddenly deciding to move tonight. It wasn’t fair of me. What if this is a big mistake?”

Jimmy sighs.

“Vanessa, do you trust me?”

“With all my heart.”

“Have I ever let you down?”

“No, well… no.”

“Then trust me when I say we’re going to be just fine. I know it.”

Vanessa lays her head back, safe in the knowledge that if anything goes wrong, they’ll handle it together (or at least she can blame Jimmy for it!) when Jimmy suddenly starts coughing loudly. She looks up at him waiting for him to turn his cough into his rough laugh as usual. After around two minutes of coughing his face starts turning a concerning shade of red.

“Jimmy are you okay?” Vanessa asks, moving herself onto her knees and patting his back as he leans over and coughs into his lap.

“I’m okay,” he manages to splutter as he gasps for air in between coughs. "Im okay."

Suddenly, looking down, they notice his hand is dotted in red and white mucus.

Vanessa stares at the blood in hand in horror.

“Jimmy that's blood, I'm getting the car keys and driving you to hospital.”

Jimmy grabs the strap of her dungaree before she gets the chance to stand up, and as his coughing slows, he breathes heavily and sucks in as much air as he can.

“I'm okay, love. It’s probably just where I have been coughing so much lately. I've probably irritated my throat,” he assures her.

Showing no signs of sitting back down, Vanessa places her hands delicately on her hips and looks down dissaprovingly at Jimmy.

"I promise, I'm okay," he repeats slowly as the air fills his lungs again.

Reluctantly, Vanessa sits back down next to her fiance and leans her cheek on his shoulder.

“We need to call the doctor in the morning. You should really get checked out just in case you have an infection.

“Ok, I’ll call him first thing hun,” Jimmy agrees, glad that he’s at least put one of their minds at rest for the moment.

“Shall we go?” Vanessa pipes up after prising her eyes open again.

Jimmy sighs and hauls himself to his feet.

“Come on then miss - your carriage awaits,” he laughs, grabbing hold of her hand and pulling her over to the last couple of boxes.
Just before walking out the door, Vanessa turns to take one last look at the apartment. The floors and walls are now bare, and the windows are covered in paper to stop prying neighbours knowing more than they need to. Thinking of the happy years they have spent there, Vanessa feels a small pang of sadness, but it only lasts a second, after all, who can be sad when they have an amazing life to start?
She runs down the stairs and climbs into the van next to Jimmy. He places his hand on the armrest between them and as he revs up the van. she looks up at their past and placing her hand into his, focuses on their future.

Vanessa shuffles in her seat, after having slept most of the way to Charlotte’s house, to try and get a better view down the dark road. Jimmy glances over at her and grins at how childlike she is acting, half expecting her to start asking if they’re there yet.
Finally, when it doesn’t look like Vanessa can stay sat in her seat much longer, they arrive at the house. The front door is wide open and Charlotte is walking around the living room holding boxes and bags, accompanied by two large, intimidating looking men.
Vanessa and Jimmy walk in and before they even have a chance to breathe, Charlotte puts the boxes down and grabs hold of Vanessa

“Oh I’m so pleased for you. I bet it’s a boy! It’s got to be a boy,” she squeals.

“We don’t mind what it is,” she says, putting her arm around Jimmy’s waist, “as long as it’s healthy.”

“Yeah yeah, of course you don’t,” Charlotte mutters, scrunching her nose up to show just how much she disapproves of Vanessa and Jimmy’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Well if I get the choice at any point I’ll make sure to tell the doctor your opinion,” Vanessa smiles, putting her handbag down on the floor, “are you still sure you want to do this?”

Charlotte looks up at the beautifully shaped arches and quaint carvings on the ceilings and smiles.

“This beautiful house was everything I wanted for a long time, but it's tainted with memories of Simon. This was my perfect place, but things change. I changed. Now I want you to have the happiness that this old house gave me," she pauses and walks towards Vanessa, taking her petite hands into her own.

"You will look after it, won’t you?” she asks, as if speaking of a beloved family pet more than a house.

“Of course we will.” Vanessa smiles towards her oldest friend. "This is a dream come true for us. We've only got you to thank for that. We'll take great care of this place."

“Well, until she lets me lose in the kitchen, but that’s where insurance comes in handy,” Jimmy pipes in in his usual insensitive manner.

Vanessa throws an evil glare his way, giving him a silent warning not to open his mouth again. Charlotte pulls the paperwork from her bag and signs her name, erasing all options of backing out. Vanessa signs her name underneath and hands her keys over to Charlotte.

“Well that’s it then, it’s official,” Vanessa smiles, clutching hold of the keys to her new home.

“Yeah it is,” Charlotte replies, “and as much as I want that new beginning, I’d best go and start it before I change my mind and tackle you out of the door.”

Jimmy chuckles and holds the door open for her as she picks up the last few of her belongings and walks towards the door.

“Take care of yourself. You know you’re always welcome here. Just call and we'll be here,” Vanessa says before leaning against the wall.
“Same to you. Don’t be a stranger. I want to be a huge part of the little guys life.”

Before Vanessa can say anything about the sex of her unborn child, Charlotte walks down her driveway for the last time, and after waving to her friends, settles herself into her car for the long drive to her new home.

Jimmy shuts the door and walks towards Vanessa. He circles around her and puts his chin on her left shoulder and slides his hands round onto her stomach.

"It's beautiful here. Everything is so antique. We need to make sure we put fences in the back garden before this little one arrives though,"

Vanessa sighs.

“That's a job that can wait. For now we’d best get unpacking,” he whispers, kissing hers softly on the neck, before wrapping his hand around hers and pulling her towards the stairs.

“Yeah, either that or we can just sleep in the bath,” Vanessa chuckles, dragging her tired body up the stairs.

"Well, there's only so many weeks left until you won't fit in the bath any more," Jimmy teases.

Vanessa sighs and chases him up the stairs, shoe in hand and a craving to spank him so hard, she no longer felt tired.


With two and a half hours of hard work behind them, Vanessa thinks to herself how lucky they were that the movers put all the furniture in the right places, or else they'd be unpacking into next week. Then again, at the extortionate prices they were being paid because of late notice, she half expected them to polish and dust as well! Twirling her engagement ring around her finger she sits down on a chair in the kitchen and puts her feet up on another. A car drives past and sends beautiful lights dancing across the night stained wall, reminding the darkness that it's on a time limit.
Holding her hands on her washboard flat tummy she sighs happily and smiles.

"So when are you going to start showing then, little one? Your daddy isn't feeling very well and I think your appearance might just help."

"I think a warm bath and a cup of tea might help until then though," Jimmy coughs, giving Vanessa a fright as he walks towards her from the darkness.

"I'm worried there's something really wrong with you Jim. You've had that cough months and it seems to be getting worse now," Vanessa pushes, looking Jimmy straight in the eyes.

"I hoped it would pass like all the others. I don't think I can remember when I've been sick enough to need to go to the doctors. Maybe you're right and it is some kind of infection," he says, walking over to the chair that Vanessa had earlier claimed as her foot stall, and lifting her feet, sits down and rests them on his lap.

"I expect the doctor will just tell you that you need to stop smoking. Every time you light up I tell you that you'll get lungs like charcoal, but you never listen to me."

Jimmy chuckles. "I know you do, and you were right as usual," he agrees, "I suppose I haven't got much choice but to stop smoking soon anyway," he says, nodding his head towards her stomach.

"Well you have a few months to do it in, but the sooner the better," Vanessa mumbles sleepily.

Jimmy sighs and rubs her feet carefully. "Come on then, off to bed with you young lady, before you fall asleep there."

Vanessa nods and closes her eyes softly. Jimmy can never win a battle when she looks quite so cute. His mind gets tangled up in thoughts of her and he tends to find it very difficult to stay on the same train of thought.
Standing up slowly he walks over to Vanessa and curls one arm around her waist and one under her knees. Gently lifting her up, he pulls her body close to his and quietly walks out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards their bedroom, carefully guiding her around each corner so as not to wake her. While moving boxes up the stairs earlier on he noticed an odd angled step at the bottom of the staircase that needed replacing and it made an awful creaking sound when any weight was put on it. Making sure to avoid the step, he makes his way to the top of the stairs. Knocking the empty boxes off of the bed, he kisses Vanessa on the apple of her cheek and places her down on the bed.

"Sleep tight my angels, I'll be back soon," he whispers, pulling a duvet up to her neck and walking back down to the kitchen.

Jimmy settles down with a cup of tea, after a second frantic search for a kettle in the same week, and watches the cars whiz past the window.
Only a year ago they were sat in their small apartment, wondering how they would ever afford to move away from their hectic life. Now they're going to be parents. God, parents. There will be so much responsibility and so many new things to learn. For all this time they believed that they would never be able to complete their family, and Jimmy had finally come to terms with the fact that his family would only ever consist of him and Vanessa. It's amazing how something as simple as a checkup can change your life forever. There are so many things to do before the baby arrives. Arguing over the colour of the baby's room and who is going to paint it. Breast feeding or bottle feeding. Names!
He suddenly feels the need to hold on to something to steady himself as he begins to cough loudly, and his throat proceeds to burn sharply. His tongue feels swollen and his chest becomes tight. All of a sudden his body washes with fear as the world around him begins to spin and his body falls helplessly to the floor.
Hearing the loud thud resounding through the empty house, Vanessa jolts awake and slipping on her shoes she darts down the stairs and into the kitchen. Crouching down next to Jimmy's shaking body she reaches for her phone.

"Something's wrong with Jimmy. I don't know what's happening. Just get here quickly," she shouts, slamming the phone down on the floor and placing Jimmy's head on her lap.

"Everything is going to be okay Jimmy, just try and stay awake." She says, as her shaking hands try to hold his head still.

He looks up at her with tears streaming down his cheeks as he slowly drifts in and out of conciousness.
Vanessa cries, rocking back and forth, running her cold hand down Jimmy's burning cheek.
Finally she hears a knock at the door. Running to answer it she feels a sigh of relief when Emily runs past her.

"What's happened?" she asks, panic setting in as they rush towards the kitchen.

"I don't know. I was asleep when I suddenly heard a noise. I came downstairs and he was just laying there. I don't know what to do," Vanessa replies, her body pulsating as the fear of losing her soul mate grips her.

"Jimmy? Jimmy can you hear me sweetheart? Vanessa go and call an ambulance. His breathing is so shallow."

"They'll take forever, just help me pull him up," Vanessa cries, crouching down and pulling one of Jimmy's arms around her neck.

Emily hurries her arm under his back and gently pulls the brunt of his weight off of the ground. His six-foot-four body goes limp and his head droops down towards the floor.

"Oh my god mom, what's wrong with him," Vanessa asks, trying to walk forward and get a glimpse of his face at the same time.

By now they are out on the driveway. Emily struggles in her pocket to find her car keys and silently prays that this isn't the day that she remembered to lock the doors.

"I don't know honey, we just need to stay calm and get him to the hospital. Sit in the back and try to keep him awake," she says, holding the car door open with her leg as she slides Jimmy into the back seat. Vanessa climbs into the seat and places Jimmy's head on her lap. Her hand still feeling like ice against his fiery skin, she rests her palm on his cheek, willing his eyes to open and for him to smile at her and tell her how much of a fool she is for being so worried about him.

It takes them fifteen minutes to get to the hospital, by which point Vanessa can't get any sort of response out of him. Emily jumps out of the car as soon as she parks and runs into the hospital to get help. Seconds later she returns with a string of nurses and a stretcher behind her. She had called ahead on the way there to inform them of their arrival. They open the door opposite Vanessa and suddenly Jimmy is taken away from her and pushed away on the stretcher. A doctor runs over to join the team who are working on Jimmy. The last glimpse that Vanessa gets of him is with a doctor leaning over him, trying to walk and do CPR on his lifeless body at the same time. Jumping out of the car and slamming the door behind her Vanessa runs into the hospital after them but the lift door closes leaving her standing on her own, staring at the "hospital personnel only" sign on the lift and feeling like her life is being ripped from her. Ignoring the long queue of people waiting to be seen, she runs up to the receptionist and leans over the counter.

"Where's he being taken?" she demands, pointing towards the empty hall way where Jimmy had just been.

The receptionist looks ahead, completely calm, which only irritates Vanessa further.

"Where are they taking him?" she repeats, her voice shaking with anger.

The receptionist blinks slowly, and as her eyes move up Vanessa's body to her face, she shows no emotion towards her.

"Can I help you madam, what is your injury?" she asks, her nonchalant manner infuriating Vanessa.

"Arrogant bitch," Vanessa screams, before running through the Major Injury doors at the back of accident and emergency.

"Excuse me madam, you can't go in there until you've been seen by triage," the receptionist shouts out loudly, but Vanessa just keeps on running. With no idea where she is running to, all she can concentrate on is finding Jimmy. She stops every doctor and nurse that passes by but nobody knows who she is looking for. Suddenly she feels someone hand on her arm.

"Calm down sweetheart, who are you looking for?" the friendly looking nurse asks, holding Vanessa's trembling arm as she tries to keep her steady long enough to answer her questions.

"Jimmy. Jimmy Connor. He was brought in here a moment ago but the stupid receptionist wouldn't tell me where he's been taken."

"Ok then, what's wrong with him? Is he injured, conscious, unconscious?" the nurse asks, slowly trying to prise information out of her.
Vanessa holds her hands to her head and threads her fingers into her long shiney hair.

"He was unconscious. I think my mum is with him, she brought us here in the car," she explains, trying hard to think back to when they arrived at the hospital.

"Ok, let's take you back to A&E and I'll see if I can find where he is," the nurse says, standing up and holding her hand out for Vanessa.
Taking the nurses hand she lets herself be pulled up and walks beside her back towards the way she first came in.

At A&E the nurse sits Vanessa down on one of the waiting room chairs and makes her way over to the receptionist, who doesn't seem pleased to have to help Vanessa. She asks the nurse for a name, and types on the computer.
The nurse walks back over towards Vanessa, and crouches down in front of her. Vanessa hadn't noticed before but the nurse has a scarf and coat on, ready to go home no doubt.

"Follow me sweetie, I'll take you to where he's been admitted," she says smoothly, yet again holding out her arm for Vanessa to hold on to.
Too tired to argue anymore Vanessa latches on to the woman and lets her feet take over, slowly carrying her to Jimmy.

Walking down the halls of the hospital, Vanessa looks in on every doorway she passes. The bright glow of the fluorescent lighting burns her eyes as she strains to see the people living underneath them. Some children are playing in a small playroom in one of the wards, and Vanessa's heart sinks as she looks through at a little boy with bandages covering most of his body, and the rest of his body tainted by burns. She yearns to know what happened to him, and to comfort him, but her biggest worry right now can only be Jimmy. She places her hand on her tummy.

"Please god, let him be okay," she whispers faintly to herself, praying for the first time in years.

"Right sweetheart, just follow this corridoor down and you'll be in the Intensive Care unit. Press the intercom and give them your husbands name. They'll be able to direct you further," the nurses smiles, letting go of Vanessa's arm and pinning her clipboard against her body.

Not even bothering to correct the nurse and tell her that he is her fiancé, she runs down the corridor to the locked doors at the end.
She looks ahead of her in complete shock. Her body feeling uneasy and heavy, she leans against a wall fortunately places to her right.

"I hope he's okay," the nurse shouts down the hall, giving Vanessa a reassuring smile before turning round and leaving her on her own again.
Trying to remember to breathe, Vanessa pressed the "call" button. The huge sign above the door screams the words "Intensive Care Unit", making any attempt at lying to herself about any of this futile.

"Hello, name please?" A voice crackles through the intercom. Looking through the window, Vanessa can see a small young woman leaning over the desk to speak into the microphone system.

"Uh, hello, my names Vanessa Harris. I'm looking for Jimmy Connor," she replies, trying to keep her voice from breaking.
"Come on through," the rough voice commands.

The door beeps and Vanessa pulls it open. After carefully washing her hands in the strong smelling anti-bacterial cleanser, she wipes her hands over her filthy jeans and walks over to the desk.

"Vanessa?" a familiar voice echoes through the small waiting area.

"Mum? Where is he?" Vanessa asks, running over to her mother and collapsing in her arms.

"He's in there," Emily replies, pointing in the direction she had just walked in from. "I'm so sorry sweetheart, I turned around and you weren't there. They're doing tests at the moment".

"What's going on? I don't understand how he could just collapse. He was fine this afternoon," she panics, tears running freely now, Emily wishes she could take her daughters fears away her. She looks exhausted. Exhausted from trying to find the ward, exhausted from the pregnancy, and exhausted with the fear of the unknown.

In her head she just wants to pick her little girl up into her arms and fix everything, her mind reminding her of a time when she could sit her on her lap and protect her from anything.. She would give anything to do that right now.

Breaking the silence, Emily stands up and looks at Vanessa. "Come on darling, you need to be there when he gets back," she wraps her arm tightly around Vanessa's waist, trying so hard to hold together, in every way she possibly can.


"Oh my god," Vanessa breathes, standing up from the uncomfortable chair she had been sat in waiting for Jimmy's tests to finish. Walking over to him shock courses through her at seeing her strong fiancé laying so helpless on a hospital bed, with wires tangled around his body. A tube runs from his nose and a cannula sticks out of his bruised hand with a tube connected to a drip hanging above his head. The drip appears to be moving along steadily, probably putting fluids back into Jimmy's body.
Grabbing hold of his hand, Vanessa perches on the side of the bed. Jimmy's eyes prise open slowly, taking time to focus on Vanessa's face.

"Hi," he croaks, his throat dry and achy.

"Hi honey," Vanessa cries in reply, "I was so worried about you."

Jimmy laughs, but erupts into a cough. Vanessa grabs the empty glass from the bedside table and fills it with water from a horribly sterile looking jug. Holding it to Jimmy's lips she waits for him to finish his tiny sips and places the glass back on the table.

"Have you seen a doctor yet?" Vanessa asks, turning her body around so she has laying against Jimmy.

"Yeah. He said I have to wait for my test results to come back. I don't know how long I'll be in here for."

"However long it is, I'll be right here beside you," Vanessa smiles, trying her best to keep her spirits up so as not to worry Jimmy further.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, trying to sit up further in bed, but tangling himself up in the wires.

Vanessa stands up and tries to help him move the wires, but there doesn't seem to be a way to do so without unplugging something, which doesn't seem like the best course of action.

"You're in the hospital attached to god knows how many wires, and you're asking how I'm feeling? Jesus Jimmy, your priorities are all wrong."
Jimmy chuckles a weak laugh.

"I think I have my priorities just right, thank you very much," he replies, placing his hand over hers, dried blood trailing down from where the cannula was inserted into his hand.

Choking back tears, Vanessa moves his hand to her stomach.

"We're fine, just worrying about you. Maybe you shouldn't have done so much at once today. Packing, moving and unpacking all in one day is a lot of work, especially when you're feeling under the weather. You're probably just exhausted," she smiles, keeping up the pretence that she believes a word of the line that she's feeding him.

Jimmy nods, hoping that she's right. People collapse of exhaustion every day, right?

After a few minutes a very formal looking doctor comes through the door with a clipboard, and a trail of young student looking doctors behind her.

"Jimmy Connor?" the doctor asks as she scuttles over to the free side of Jimmy's bed. "Hi, I'm Dr Shirazi, the head oncologist for the hospital."

"Oncologist?" Vanessa asks.

"Yes, I specialize in the detection and treatment of cancer," she explains.

"Wait, why aren't we seeing a regular consultant? He hasn't even had any tests done yet!" Vanessa demands, the room spinning around her at the mention of cancer.

"We have to examine all the possibilities before we can determine what tests are needed," she soothes, then averts her gaze back to Jimmy, "have you been feeling tired a lot recently?" she asks, writing on the clipboard with a tiny pencil that has obviously been sharpened as much as it possibly could be.

"Yes, but we've been very busy lately so I just assumed I needed a break," he says, swallowing to try and hold back the cough that is threatening to erupt out of his chest.

The door to Jimmy's hospital rooms opens and a small happy looking nurse walks in holding a large envelope and hands it to the doctor. Walking over to the light box attached to the wall on the other side of the room, she places the large x-ray photo on the screen and turns it on. A clear image of Jimmy's lungs appear on the screen. The left side of his body covered in white clouds. After studying it for a few minutes, she walks over to the bed with a solemn look on her face.

"I'm afraid that your chest x-ray shows some masses in your lungs. We will need to do a Bronchoscopy to confirm before we start treatment."

Confused, Vanessa stands up and wraps her arms over her chest.

"Wait, what do you mean? Treatment for what?"

Jimmy looks ahead in silence, not wanting to look at Vanessa.

"I'm sorry, it looks like you do have lung cancer. Once we've done some tests we will know for sure, but by the looks of it it's in the later stage and we need to start treatment as soon as possible. I'll order the Bronchoscopy now and the anaesthetist will be along soon. The quicker we can get the tests done, the quicker we can get you the medication you need to get better. I'm so sorry," without waiting for an answer she signals to the small herd of doctors and they leave the room, closing the door behind them with a loud bang.

Vanessa walks over and watches the tiny ant like people from the fifth floor of the hospital. She stands chewing her thumb nail until she can taste blood. She turns to Jimmy, who is still staring blankly ahead, and rushes over to him. Falling to her knees she holds onto his hand.

"Jimmy you're going to be fine. You heard the doctor, she said they are going to start treatment immediately. Jimmy? Honey?" she moves over so she is standing in his line of sight, needing him to say something, anything.

"I had so many clues. So many times that I said that I was going to stop smoking. You told me over and over that it wasn't good for me, and I just ignored you," he looks up at Vanessa, "she said 'later stages', Vanessa. I'm... oh my god I'm going to die,"

Unable to stay strong, Vanessa breaks down in tears. Laying on the bed with him, no longer worried about the tangle of wires, she wraps her whole body around him, as if to shield him from everything that could ever hurt him.

"You're not going to die, Jimmy. We're having a baby and we're going to get married. Everything's going to work out fine," she reassures him, and at the same time not believing a word of it.


After half an hour, a very tall, clean shaven man walks in with another bed.

"Hi, my names Sam, I'm the anaesthetist. I'm just going to take you along to another room to give you a general anaesthetic because the Bronchoscopy can be quite uncomfortable. You'll be given morphine too. Once you're anaesthetised we will insert a tube into your throat, and down into your bronchial system. Once in there we'll be able to take a sample from your lungs which will tell us more about what is happening in there. You also need a CT scan, which we will do first. Do you have any questions?"

His voice is friendly and sympathetic, but having probably done this a hundred times before, it's likely rehearsed. Jimmy shakes his head and with Sam holding the maze of wires, he moves over to the other bed. Seeing him standing for the first time since he collapsed, Vanessa notices how frail he looks.

"I'll be back soon, Ness. Go and get something to eat, find your mum, have a nap. Just don't wait for me," he whispers, before being wheeled out of the room.

Left on her own again, Vanessa finally realises that everything isn't okay. The love of her life has lung cancer. Cancer. Vanessa suddenly feels like the walls are closing in on her. Unable to breath, she runs out of the door to find her mum talking to a very jolly looking woman sat next to her in the waiting room.

"Vanessa, what's going on? Where are they taking him?" her mum asks, running to her side.

Collapsing on the floor, Vanessa breaks down. Emily falls down as if feeling the pain that is rippling through her only daughter .

"He's got lung cancer mum," she sobs, "what are we going to do?"

Placing her hand on her daughters stomach, unable to think of anything to say that could possibly make Vanessa feel anything other than pain, Emily has never felt so helpless in all of her life.


After holding onto Vanessa until her sobs stopped, Emily decides it's best they go and get something to eat. Standing up, she pulls Vanessa to her feet and leads her down to the canteen.
The canteen is noisy, with a long line of people queueing along the left hand side of the room. After choosing and paying for their meals, they walk slowly over to the nearest empty table and eat the cold, soggy food. The canteen staff are far too rude to work within a building full of sick and grieving people but nobody is prepared to call them up on it in case they get asked to leave. Even cold food is better than waiting around for answers to questions you don't want to hear.
Vanessa sits herself down on a small table near to the window and wraps her arms around herself. The weather has turned an evil shade of grey and the trees tremble in the wind. It really is an apt day for world shattering news.

"How are you holding up darling?"

Vanessa looks up to see her mother holding two huge paper cups of coffee, and what looks like about a litre of milk and enough sugar to cause diabetes and raises an eyebrow.

"Well, a diet is the last thing on your mind right now I'm sure," she smiles, trying her best to lighten the mood.

Vanessa takes the coffee and empties four packets of sugar into it. Taking a sip, the hot liquid spills down her chin and onto her lap.

"SHIT!" she shouts, jumping up out of her seat and batting her lap in an attempt to cool the burn.

People around her look up and stare as she flaps around like a headless chicken.

"What are you looking at? Enjoying the show, are we?" she demands, staring at the couple in front of her who have averted their eyes as their faces turn a bright shade of beetroot.

"Vanessa, I'm sure they didn't mean any harm," her mum soothes, trying to mop the remainder of the spilt coffee of of the floor with a handful of napkins.

"I'm sure they didn't, mother, but I can't remember when staring stopped being rude!" she shouts, her face twisted in anger. "I'm going back to Jimmy's room," she says, as she downs the rest of her coffee and marches out of the room.

After being informed by the stout looking lady on the reception desk in intensive care that he had been moved onto the high dependency unit after his tests, she finally arrives back to Jimmy. Laying on his side on the bed, he looks like a small child. His breathing sounds better than it has done in months, but the oxygen mask on his face is probably the reason for that. His hair is matted to the side of his face from the excessive heat of the room, and his eyes are darting about under their lids. Vanessa wonders what he must be dreaming about. Is he chasing after their son in his mind? Is he imagining their wedding day? Or imagining fighting for his life when the cancer spreads throughout the rest of his body. Sitting herself down on the small blue victors chair, she notices how cold hospital rooms are. Even though they are usually the temporary home to sick or dying people, they make no attempt to ease the process. The white and brown walls are a reminder of the cold winter months and the beige floor squeaks underfoot. In the corner, looking very out of place in such a boring room is a CD player. Vanessa walks over and presses play. Soothing piano music eases out of the speakers, making it hard for the day to continue to loop around in her mind. Easing herself back into the hard chair next to Jimmy's bed, she gently places Jimmy's hand in her and closes her eyes. Drifting off to sleep, she gives herself a silent reminder to only have her eyes closed for five minute, but when she opens them again it's light in the room. Her hand is no longer over Jimmy's, instead it is now wrapped around her body with an itchy hospital blanket draped over her. Looking over towards the empty bed, panic courses through her body.

"Jimmy?" she mutters, sitting up to take a better look around the room.

"I'm here, sweetheart," Jimmy's voice chimes in from the en suite bathroom. The toilet flushes and Jimmy appears in the doorway.

"You're looking much better today," Vanessa points out, trying her best to force her face into a smile, but her stubborn mouth doesn't seem to want to move.

"I feel better," Jimmy smiles, walking slowly back to his bed. Vanessa moves her legs to make it easier for him to pass, then stands up and pulls her cardigan over her shoulders.

"I'm going to go and find a doctor. I won't be long," she says before bending over and kissing his lips. They feel so dry that she is afraid the contact of hers may break them.

Walking out into the busy hallway, she wonders if any of the doctors will know what's going on. She walks over to the lady sat behind the nurses station.

"Hi, do you know if Dr Shirazi will be coming to talk to us today?" she asks, trying to stop her teeth shaking from the cold of the draughty hall.

The nurse looks up from the computer and smiles politely.

"Yes, she's doing her rounds now. She did try to come by earlier but you were both asleep and she didn't want to disturb you. She'll be back round before midday."

"Thank you," Vanessa mumbles, before checking the clock and walking back to Jimmy's room. It's twenty to twelve, so they wouldn't have long to wait until they could try and get some answers.

Walking back into Jimmy's room, she is greeted by a horrendous noise as Jimmy struggles to breathe through his latest coughing fit. Running over to him she pats him on the back and hands him a cardboard emesis basin in case he needs to vomit. The door opens again with a creak, as Dr Shirazi walks in, this time alone. She waits patiently as Jimmy finishes coughing, and stands close to his bed.

"Hello again," she chimes, her face giving no indication of whether the news she is about to deliver is good or bad, "how are you feeling today?"

"Much better than last night, but I don't know if that's just the morphine talking. The nurse gave me more to help me sleep last night. I don't think I'd have got any sleep without it," Jimmy admits.

The doctor smiles and writes on her clipboard.

"Well I'm glad you got some sleep, nothing seems quite as bad with a clear head. So, I got the results from your Bronchoscopy this morning. Unfortunately it confirmed my earlier thoughts, you do have stage one squamous cell carcinoma in your left lung, a type of slow growing non-small cell lung cancer. Luckily it isn't in the later stage that I had first thought, which gives you a much better chance at recovery."

"So, what does that all mean? It's curable?" Vanessa asks, wrapping her hand around Jimmy's.

"Well the chance of recovery is much better in stage one than in a later stage as the cancer is localized, so it hasn't spread to your lymph nodes. What we don't want is to find it has grown into the surrounding tissues as it then makes it harder to stop it spreading further. The cancer started in the tissue lining the air passages in your lung and is usually a result of long term smoking. Looking at your CT scan..." she pulls a piece of paper out of the folder clipped to the end of the bed, that Vanessa can't remember being put there, "the scan shows that the cancer is small at the moment, but is growing."

She places the folder back down on the foot of the bed, and Vanessa's eyes skim over it. Jimmy's name and date of birth are written in bold along the top of the page. The writing is scribbled, and messy, not what Vanessa expects from patients notes. Looking down the page she can see a lot of medical language that she can't even begin to understand.

Stage 1A – T1N0M0 – Tumour measuring 2.5cm, no nodes and no metastasis