CHAPTER 1 SIN

White stars like crystals, sparkling above you against a deep deep blue that looks like velvet, those same crystals embrace your still body, like white feathers.  Although snow is cold, somehow it feels warm. . . and you wonder. . . if this is really snow?  You should be feeling the prickling ice flakes on your exposed skin, but the numbness is euphonic. 
The screams echoing somewhere,  maybe a voice calling your name,  only becomes an undistingushiable slur,  lost in the sound of silence.  The sirens that should be coming closer seem to be fading away in the distance. 

At times like this you should probably be more concerned about the gaping hole in your chest exposing that muscle that is still pulsing;  but you can only lay back in the frigid snow and gaze at the countless stars above, thinking how unusual it is to see them on a winter night.  You always were a strange one,  so it’s not surprising to end this way.  But still.... 


You were never a normal  student, so it made sense that you wouldn’t be a “normal” high school student.  But you pretended anyway, just to get on with your life. . .


That morning was like any other.  The sun  peeked through the curtains that hadn’t been washed in who knows how long.  Determined to get away from your nightmare, you clenched the sheets pulling with each passing moment until your heart raced so fast that you gasped for breath.  Black hair dripping with sweat,  you opened your eyes to realize it was only another dream.

A young man at age 17  you had more muscle than the average non athletic boy,  but it was more from nessasary training than desiring to look fit.  Pulling the curtain open the sun blinded you momentarily, but it felt good somehow.  No sooner were you up when the door was flung open with a thud loud enough to make your heart pound. 

Before your eyes even have time to open properly, reflexes kicked in, allowing you to just dodge the flying fist past your head. 
“Think fast!” 
A painful bone to muscle impact hit your guts and you curled over slightly.

“Don’t think dodging the first attact is enough!  You have to be two steps ahead of your enemy!”  It wasn’t a military voice, but a pleasant bright voice,  that seemed to take life as something to laugh about.  The man you called father.
“Well,  breakfast is almost ready, don’t be late.”  He stood his hands on his hips,  a big smile and handsome face. 

A normal father wouldnt greet his son this way every morning.  No wonder you weren’t normal. 

After changing into the uniform,  you made it down to the kitchen in time to rescue the toast from burning alive, but you couldn’t do the same for the sausages. 

“Dad, you burnt them again...”  Misako,  the sister five years your junior,  had a sharp enough tongue to complain.  “Mishi oniichan,”  she foundly addressed you at the table.  “Why don’t you get up early enough to make breakfast?”
You just stared at her.  It would be great to be able to sleep and wake when you wanted.  But. . . that is one thing you had no control over.  Sleeping, dreaming, those are things normal people take for granted.

“Come on, Mishi, aren’t you gonna eat some?!”  The old man grinned as usual.
“Tell him you’ll cook breakfast.” Misako poked you with her forlk, instead of poking the fruit.
“Maybe I should cook breakfast...”  You looked at the rather dark sasauges.
“ Ah, you’re  too busy studying to do so many chores!  Besides,  you have to have time to do that guy stuff to you know? Like arcades, girls....”
“Some father you are!”  Misako glared at him.  “You shouldn’t be encouraging that stuff!”


And the voices continued.  For a young girl, Misako was much more serious and mature,  whereas that man was just like a big kid.  Unfortunately, you didn’t want to go to the ball park and watch games, or play at the arcade with friends you didn’t have,  or look at girls who didn’t even know you existed.  To you, this was all a futile part of life. 

“I’m going...”  You would announce in a quiet tone,  after leaving the dishes in the sink where your father should have cleaned them, but usually you would end up cleaning the pile late at night.

“Have a good time at school!”  The old man, wearing a pink apron that did not suit him, called after you. 

“I’m going too!” Misako followed. 

This might seem like a normal day to the average onlooker,  but you knew better.  You knew that the nightmares traveld with you from your house, and stayed with you no matter how despirately you tried to shake them off.

“Oniichan,”  Misako started after the silent walk past the stream that ran underneath the paved roads.  “Can’t I come with you to school today?”
You both stopped at the cross walk.  You didn’t want to look back at her.

“Those kids at school...  they’re so childish.  I don’t want to hang around them.  I’d rather stay with you.” 
It was enough to send childs down your bones, every nerve twitching.  You wanted to shout it, to tell her.  But you never did. . . instead. 
“You wouldn’t like the students at my school. They’re just as bad.”  You replied almost alloof.  It had to be that way. 
You didn’t wait for the imitation bird cry to walk across the main road.  No cars seemed to be coming.  It wasn’t unusal for you to just hurry across so you could catch the train on time.
Misako was smaller,  and she dragged her feet sometimes.    Suddenly a car came unusually fast down the street.  She was still behind you.  Turning...  you saw it.  Your heart stopped an instant as she stood in the path of the vihicle.  A scream.

It didn’t stop, but kept going.  Looking back, you let your breath escape again. 
“Stupid driver! Watch where you’re going!”  She yelled, and walked across unscathed.    She looked up at you with her black eyes, knowing you were staring at her like. . .
“Oniichan, what’s wrong?  You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She teased. 
“N-nothing.  Be more careful, ok?” 

Nothing. That’s exactly what it was.  She was joking.  But it was no joke.  You understood why the car didn’t stop.  Why she couldn’t come with you.  Why you weren’t normal...  You did see a ghost.

It was over a year since the accident.  Since Misako died in your arms,  because you were careless and ran across the crosswalk, and because the car didn’t stop in time.  No one blamed you,  but you always blamed yourself.  You took away the only blood relative that man who raised you had.  You couldn’t forgive yourself. Misako didn’t forgive you either.  She was a constant reminder of your sin.