Heart Strings

                                Heartstrings





That day was like any other day accept I felt my heart strings pulling both ways. It ached with pain over my husbands leaving. I lay in bed as with a dormat disease without help, without caring. I lay dying inside as my insides felt empty and my mind raged on about last nights fight we'd had. My kids heard the screams, the sounds of love disappearing before their young eyes. I knew this but felt impaled to keep on talking, screaming and crying. Now I lay afraid feeling as if my life were over.

        He hadn't returned home last night and I heard his last footstep pounding across the wooden porch as if he were marching in anger, in hurt. I heard the car start, the rambling of the engine, but refused to believe it. That morning the kids were getting ready for school and the clanging glasses and bowls were evident of their anger and fear. I tossed and turned deciding whether to confront them in this hour of hurt. So I pulled on my  robe and went into them to get it over with.

      They stood aloof, watching but not seeing me as I entered into the kitchen. Mike, my oldest was pouring orange juice as it splattered onto the table, while Renee, my only girl was crunching on some Cheerios with the her eyes downward. "You kids hurry up before your late for school" I said, while pouring my coffee. Without hesitation Mike asked. "Is dad gone?" I glanced toward the ticking clock that seemed to be mocking me with the loud endless tick tock. "Maybe, maybe not. I don't know" Renee then snatched her books and kissed me on the cheek "By mom, see you later" she said, trying to avoid the inevitable conversation about her father.

      Mike stood staring at my red eyes as if they were two balls of fire coming from my head. He knew and understood the problem, but wanted me to explain it. I sipped on the hot coffee as it pierced my tougue with a burning scourge. Mike emptied his glass and placed it on the counter with a loud thump. "If he doesn't come back then I'll take care of you and Renee. I'll work overtime after school and..." I found myself shouting with a hoarsness coming from my wrenched throat. "No! You'll go to school and still work part time, but you won't take on another job. That's your fathers responsibility" I said, trying to not look at him. "Now get off to school" I said, kissing his face.

      I watched him walk off with his usual stroll, using his arms as they swung heavily beside him. He was only sixteen, but now he carried the weight of a grown man. At that moment I hated my husband. How could he put this heavy burden on them. I was weak, so I pushed my body back into bed to sleep off my pain. Sleep would help me forget for awhile as my mind dreamt of other things that would somehow distract me. I'd go to work tomorrow. Pay day was three days away and I'd manage to stretch what little funds we had. I turned in a fetal position and cried into my pillow, wallowing my fears and anger, frustrations and sorrows until I fell asleep.

      He'd come back tomorrow. He was just angry, upset over our argument. Even though he said he was leaving for good, he only pretended to make me afraid. I still remember his footsteps as they sounded off into the night. The cars motor leaving, until it disappeard far off, leaving me and my children to an unknown future.

      Maybe if I'd slept and woke up, it would've only been a dream, a nightmare, and when I'd wakened, he'd be lying beside me. Maybe if I'd slept long enough this pain, this hurt in my heart would go away and my tormented mind could will him back to us.

Maybe!