I don't even know

Where did all of this go wrong? How did everything start to fall apart? I hate how nothing seems to make sense anymore. It's useless to have faith in anything because it's all going to end up ruined. I thought he was the one. He was different than every other guy. He actually made me happy, was nice to me. I guess it was all a lie though. Looking back now he was only there when it was convenient for him. I just don't know how he couldn't feel something, anything. He's gone now and I sit here missing him, waiting for him when I know it's not going to do any good. I just can't help it though. I didn't mean to fall for him, I didn't even really want to but I did and now I can't take it back. The feelings are all still there. I wish I could make them go away. I miss him at night when we used to lay together and he'd hold me in his arms. It's just so frustrating because he's not even my type. Nothing about him is what I pictured my "perfect guy" to be. I was just hoping that this time it would be different, that I wouldn't be abandoned again. Wrong again. I probably won't even be here when he gets back, so it hurts knowing that what we had is probably all we'll ever have. I was so in, well i wouldn't call it love, but it was something and it made me act insane. It's so ridiculous though. I'd wait up until late late at night just for him to finally show up or he'd say he was going to come over and then he'd just blow it off. I find myself completely stupid. This is just crazy. How can you feel so much for someone who treats you so horribly? There's so much that reminds me of him though and it's so hard. I just wish I could move on. I wish that I never would have met him, never got close to him. If I had the oppurtunity I'd take it all back. I wouldn't have started hanging out with him or given my heart out. The hardest part is missing him so much and having to keep it all bottled up, hidden inside. There's no one I can talk to about it. Either they don't care and just blow the whole conversation off and try to talk about something else and just ignore everything I've said or if they do care they don't know what to say or how to help because they don't know what it's like. They've never been in this situation or had the one person they care about most and wanted to be with, not want them back and end up leaving on their deployment. When he said bye to me I couldn't even say bye back. I just stood there, not really saying anything because I was mad at him. Then when I would see him I was just trying to avoid him although I desperately wanted to see him. The last couple of weeks before he left he drifted away from me. He told me it was better if we didn't talk and he just stopped. I don't know how he could just walk away and show no feelings for me. I don't know what I did wrong. I wish I would have known what to do different, to make him feel something. I don't want to miss him anymore and I don't want to wait for him. I hate that I feel anything for him. I hope that one day he comes walking back to me, tells me he loves me and that I can say I don't!