This just in: it's the apocalypse.

I've always scoffed at the outrageous theories of how our world (not just as we know it) will end. The apocalypse. The end of civilization--the end of everything. Giant meteors. Alien invasion. Floods. Widespread disease. The sun increasing in size and boiling off our atmosphere, suffocating us all without any warning. Flo Rida losing his number one spot on the Billboard top 100. The list goes on. But I still don't see any point in wasting time fretting over it.

Perhaps I scoff purely out of egotism, as if I believe that I'm vastly more intelligent than the rest, and therefore have the right to belittle their opinions.

But maybe it's not just that. Perhaps I scoff at it because I do not share the morbid curiousity about just how the most advanced - and yet self-destructive - species on the planet will eventually meet its demise. Ever notice how we humans are always obsessed about something? We hunger and thirst as a natural way to preserve ourselves physically, but it is also a mental trait. We always want to know if there's more "out there" than what we see, hear, taste, touch, and smell in our day-to-day lives. We all want to believe that there's more out there.

In our constant state of motion, be it physical or mental, many of us are paranoid about and obsessive over just how life is going to end. Perhaps this is to somehow give life meaning, which is what we've always tried to find. Are we to the point where the only way to find meaning is to find out how it all ends, if it ever does? Well, that's highly irrelevant right now. The big thing on my mind is if the world's going to end, does that have to be a bad thing? Should I commit suicide? Should I try to find my way into space and start anew there?

Well, I don't think so. Is the apocalypse any worse than the things we've already gone through? Call me insensitive, but I don't think so. From Jack The Ripper to Terminator for governor, I don't think that we can logically worry about the end of the world when,
A)It's likely inevitable
B)You probably can't do anything about it anyway
and C), the last 5 times the world ended, we seemed to end up just fine.

So, why not make this subject just a little bit lighter? In my insomnia, I had a few ideas of just how the end of the world should happen.

Scenario 1:

All is normal. Michael Jackson admits that he does not have a skin condition, but rather became so pale when he was told that Tito had more talent than him. Storms start to rage in South America, and as per usual, most of us pay no attention. "It's not my problem." That unwritten separation clause that keeps my problems from being yours takes affect only until we get hit with monsoon rain and 80s big hair is finally wiped out like the Last of the Mohicans. Water levels rise, surfers celebrate, buildings collapse, and the rest of us drown. Only the strong survive long enough to hear that Lady Gaga dropped off the charts and die of a broken heart. It's completely ironic, and proves that if there is a God, he has a great sense of dry--or in this case wet-- humour.

Scenario 2:

During the live broadcast of Regis and Kelly, President Obama interrupts to gives word that a giant meteor is headed for Earth, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Apparently it was George Bush's fault. Upon word of our impending demise, all of the cannabis plants in North America mysteriously go missing and several thousand orgies are reported nationwide. There is chaos in the streets, truth amongst liars, and everyone in New York City is friendly like they were in the fall of 2001. The giant meteor strikes the Earth with a resounding thud, granting us entry into the "cool club" and wiping us out like the dinosaurs. Thanks for the memories.

Scenario 3:

When taking her usual morning walk with her beloved purse--I mean, dog, Paris Hilton notices a giant orb in the sky. "Like, what the hell is this bitch doing in my parking space in the sky?" she asks, only to fall victim to heat stroke after bumping into The Jonas Brothers. The mothership floats over Los Angeles for several days without causing harm to anyone. The military makes several attempts to contact the unwelcome guests, to no avail. Finally, after concluding that Earth is unsuitable to live in, our radiowaves are hijacked and Michael Jackson's "Bad" is all that plays for a fortnight, even when radios are muted, unplugged, or destroyed. Within those two weeks, the human race ceases to exist due to the massive influx of cardiac arrests of those who were unable to stop dancing, and suicides of those who thought Thriller was the better album. Raccoons take over the large suburban areas and rule with an iron paw.

Final scenario:

As the year 2000 approaches, the possibility of massive power outages and computer failures around the world inspire sheer terror and global unrest in nearly everyone worldwide. Fearing the inability to live their lives as they normally do, a group of inherently infantile teenagers lock themselves in a room and loudly chant from a book in hopes of reversing this terrible problem. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, the chants they so uttered were from Willie Nelson's spell book, and from then on, everyone had Georgia on their minds. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was damn close.

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So now that I'm sufficiently tired, I leave you with this: if we can survive ice ages, we can survive just about anything. But please, spare me the incessant whining about the world ending. Your world could end tomorrow courtesy of bus hurtling toward you, but you still walk without a suit of armour. Enjoy your life while it lasts - unless of course, you'd rather not.

Until then, I'll be off having fun with my walkman - I hear they're all the rage nowadays!