Three Little Pigs and The Big Bad Wolf

Written for the "Invalid Item"  Contest. Thank you Riot for selecting this piece for first place in the contest. Please support the contest by joining it! =) It really is great fun!



They say that the Big Bad Wolf was foolish enough to fall into the huge pot of scalding water when he got into the brick-house through the chimney. They say that the Three Little Pigs boiled him, ate him and lived happily ever after.

I feel personally affronted whenever I hear the Three Little Pigs tale. Do those silly-willy-ninnies honestly think that pigs can be more intelligent than wolves? And do those humans think that I was going to act alone? What kind of dim-wit do they presume I was? Do they have any idea how wolf packs actually act?

Sit down. Let me tell you what really happened in the Three Little Pigs’ tale.

My wolf pack had gone hungry for days. There was a high probability that we were all going to starve to death. So, when we chanced upon the three pigs, of course we were delighted. Truth be told, we dislike pork. We much prefer horses, or deer, or bisons, but…Beggars can’t be choosers. So, we set up a plan to capture the pigs.

I must admit that we thought we were going to have it easy. After all, the three pigs had separated; one built a house of straw, another a house of sticks, and the last one a house of bricks. We thought we had a good chance of finishing them off, one by one. We put the plan into action. I was to blow the houses down, and my brother wolves to corner them and kill them. Mind you, though, these were wild pigs. Not like those sedentary ones living in today’s pens. So, they were able to dodge my brothers and seek shelter in the last pig’s brick-house. My companions were weak. Three out of my six brothers had fallen ill. The others were limping from exhaustion. It had taken all my strength to blow those houses down, so when the pigs ran away, I couldn’t even summon the energy to chase them.

Sure, we failed the first two times. Did you think we were going to fail a third time? Apparently, humans, gullible creatures that they are, believe thus. But, the fairy-tale is a lie.

For a start, the water I fell into wasn’t even boiling hot! It was pleasantly cool, much like a swim in a supremely shrunk lake on a summer’s night. Not being equipped with the best mental capabilities, the pigs had decided to drag the pot over to the kitchen first, fill the pot with water, before hauling the pot and its contents back onto the fireplace. In their clumsy efforts, they spilled more than half the water onto the fire, in effect, putting the fire out. If anyone – pardon me, any pig - had asked me for my opinion, I would have told them to just leave the pot on the fire, and fetch pails of water from the kitchen to the pot. But of course, who would want advice from a Big Bad Wolf? After all, he’s the one they wanted to kill. Anyway, when I fell into the pot, the fire had just gotten started. A pathetic attempt at boiling me alive, I must say!

Our plan was this: I was to climb up the roof and slide down the chimney to serve as a distraction for the pigs. We had checked and found a perpetually unlocked backdoor in the brick-house. So, while the three pigs were gawking at me splashing about in the pot (I can be quite the actor when I put my black heart into it), my brothers were able to take them by surprise and corner them.

Just as we were about to finally settle down and devour the three little pigs, there came a knock on the front door. Before I could stop him, one of my brothers opened the door. It was the King of Faraway Land. Why was the King, of all Faraway people, here?

The King wasted no time in niceties. “Big Bad Wolf, I brought two horses for you, in exchange for the three little pigs’ lives.”

I frowned (to the best of my abilities, as a wolf) at him. “Why would you want to do that?”

“As King of the Faraway Kingdom,” the King drew himself to his fullest height, which wasn’t very impressive anyway, “it is my duty to ensure that the good characters stay alive, and the bad ones are punished.”

“What?” I did not comprehend.

“Don’t you get it, Big Bad Wolf? Faraway Kingdom only exists as long as the humans continue talking about us. Humans don’t want to talk about wicked characters like wolves gaining the upper hand. They want the innocent and the good to outwit the bad ones. If you don’t make a pact with me now, your very existence, in fact, the entire Faraway Kingdom’s, will be in critical danger!”

“Hold it, hold it!” I raised a paw. “Let me discuss with my brothers.” These Faraway folks. They, too, do not know the ways of the wolves. It is always the alpha male who makes decisions. There was no need for counsel with my brother wolves, actually. This was only a ruse, to give me time to plan. The King seemed utterly desperate. This was our chance to negotiate for something big! I deliberately held out for as long as possible before negotiating.

Eventually, we worked out the details of the contract. We got two horses every month. In exchange for that, we agreed to never tell the truth behind the Three Little Pigs’ tale so that the pigs would have the “honour” of having “killed” the Big Bad Wolf.

So, why am I telling it now? They went back on their promise. They’ve not fed me in ages. Something about global warming and the lack of food. It’s time to expose them for the liars that they are.

Wait a minute. You look rather plump and juicy… How would you taste, I wonder…

-growl-

-End-

[998 words]