Good day

It’s a sunny day today, the wave of the incontinent heat burned on my skin, as if it was punishing me for being what I am today…

How I hated of what I have become, of what I have been. Resting from my drive from my workplace to home, I couldn’t believe myself of my irrationality, I wanted to run, to escape from myself but I knew, I was stuck here, in this situation. Just patiently waiting the days pass like drizzles of sands from my fingertips on the sandy dunes of the Sahara.

Destiny has a wicked sense of humor; everything that happens unexpectedly was its doing, all the while cackling in the background at its practical joke at the expense of the people being played in its hands…

At least, that’s what it wanted from me, deciding that I couldn’t let it get through me, I got out of my car, and went to a nearby store to smoke, all the while, listening to some random song that came from my player.

That sense of Tobacco filling my lungs was just too irresistible when I’m stressed, and too tired, I got the first taste of Destiny’s practical joke on me last year.

I was in my final year in college, nothing too eventful in there, until that is, I met HER again, my classmate since grade school, I couldn’t believe it was her, I knew for a fact that she studied from some place far, but I never knew that she would occasionally visit her hometown.

It had been years, since I last saw her, years of regret, failure, and downright stupidity on my part. The reason why I failed at love so many times, the reason why I wanted to back out of every relationship I wanted to delve into. I couldn’t stop thinking about her even when we graduated, I wanted to forget, I TRIED to forget, I wanted it believe it was just infatuation, a mistake on my part, blindness of a schoolboy crush, but it wasn’t. I was smitten by her, not with her looks but with her attitude, herself… I couldn’t deny myself of what I felt for her, it was all too real.

How I wanted to talk to her now and say, “Hey! How are you doing? Do you remember me? I’m the nerd in our batch and I was head over heels for you back then!”

But then, that same thing that held me back then was holding me back now, like it was wringing my neck, choking me back and forcing me to stop… It was my own inadequacies. I stopped, and went back home. “No, I don’t want it anymore…”

I told myself, and continued to pursue my dream of being an accomplished novelist, to be immortalized in a book, to go and reach new heights, I was a struggling writer, I was a struggling man period. I wanted to forget about her and move on. But just like a drug, I couldn’t, I was addicted to her, completely and utterly helpless.

I stopped myself, perhaps it was enough that I go away and let her forget about the unnoticeable doofus sitting in the back row, writing notes and then writing some more when recess happened. I couldn’t face her anymore, not when I was labelled, a weirdo, a freak, or some crazy ass dude that could kill you anytime.

But in reality, I wasn’t. I was just that, a writer, a struggling artist, many would consider struggling artists to be crazy, and perhaps I am insane, but then again, there’s only a thin line between sanity and insanity.

When high school ended, I felt a sigh of relief, I could finally go, let go, and change my ways. It was a small step, but I was progressing. And the years passed, I got over my introverted behaviours when I was in my final year, my struggles were over, I accepted the fact that others wouldn’t understand this impractical thing I’ve had, how can they? It was a risky move, a do or die situation, sink or swim. What has happened then? I turned into a coward when I was faced with relationships. I grew complacent, pragmatic about it, struggled and toiled for the only good ability that was in me, my writing… To somehow, be acknowledged about my work, not by just my family, my friends and others as well. I clung to the hope that I’ll be able to find my life better if not, the same in some other place. To start anew…

But then I began to notice its toll, I was hurting my friends and family. By the time I continued to train my writing abilities, I was denying my friends of my presence every time there was a get together, I didn’t study anymore, I wanted to write and write till’ I ran out of ideas, till I had no will to carry on, I was driven, I wanted to continue. Just so that I could forget her that I could move on and drown in my work.

I was also hurting myself, secluding myself from everyone, isolating and pushing myself to my limit, it was painful, I cried so many nights that time, how I could feel that it wasn’t enough, how I could never change the perceptions of my peers, how she could never turn her cheek towards me, and say, “Great job” or something cheesy.

I hated what I had become, how I focused more on my work and not on my family, not on my friends. It was that terrible, and I hid it in a mask of a carefree college student, of foolishness and of cowardice. Pretty soon, I covered myself in my masks that I didn’t even notice as it assimilated within me, it was breaking my walls down, tearing through my mind, and destroying my life.

In the end, I was a broken man, depressed, and un-assumed by others, forgotten by my peers, left by my friends, and distant from my family. There was only me, myself and I left with no one to talk to anymore… Growing ever more complacent and uncaring to society, drowned in my selfish desire to run away from my burdens.

How I wished I could take it all back, stop myself, change myself again, to stop running, to start doing something, but no, the grains of sand from my hand will not be the same when I pick it upon the sandy dunes, there was no way of undoing things in the past.

The next day came, and again, I met her. In a matter of moments, my life flashes before my eyes, all of my mistakes, all of my wrongdoings, all of my acts of stupidity, cowardice and selfishness. All of it came to me like a bolt of lightning thundering across the plains and shocking me as if to wake me up.

Everything had a reason, and everything had a sign, perhaps, this is my part in the grand scheme of things, perhaps not, the playwright hasn’t given me my role yet, I’m still waiting in line like the rest, waiting for others like me to take the stage and do our roles.

Enlightened, I wanted to reconcile, perhaps as long as there is life, there is hope. As I looked up into the vast blue sky with newfound hope, a content smile escapes my lips. I could not place myself in regret forever.

The blue sky… barely covered by the thick blankets of clouds was yet again clear. A picturesque view could be said of its crowning glory. The girl that I wanted to give out my heart to was getting closer and closer to where I was. Suddenly, I felt my chest at ease now, my back was loose, and I could breathe a sigh of relief, perhaps, it was time to start over… But not anywhere else, in this quaint little town that I live in right now, I could start again here.

Smiling at her, I said,”Good day to you, miss...”

And gave a curt nod. Indeed, it was a good day…