stone cold sober, chapter 5

5

         It took Kate just under ten minutes to run from her house to Quinn’s street. Arianne hadn’t held her back and it was just as well, because she would not have let her aunt stop her. Somewhere along the way she began crying tears of pure and utter fear which splattered onto her cheeks and slid off the sides straight into her ears. When she rounded the corner and spotted Quinn in the driveway she slowed down, panting, hoping that she would have the breath as well as the guts to go through with it.
         “I love you,” she called out. She moved a few fast steps up the driveway to where Quinn was rinsing soap off his car.
         He turned off the water and wiped his hands on his t-shirt.
         “You don’t even know me.”
         “I know everything I need to know,” Kate said, words flying from her mouth. “I know you hate your father because he treats your family like shit. I also know that your mother has taught you more about decency and moral than your father in his pious wisdom was ever capable of. You’re afraid that you’ll end up like your brother, and at the same time you’re afraid, that by not being like Daniel you’re unfaithful to his memory.”
         Quinn flinched.
         “You like chocolate not vanilla and you prefer Rugby over Football--your father must hate that.” Kate came closer. “But what I love most about you is that you’re sincere. You try not to be too obvious about it, but you care about people. And that’s all I need to know to fall in love with you. Which I am.” Kate stopped in front of him. “I am in love with you. Always have been. Always will be.”



         Quinn laughed softly. He resisted the urge to touch Kate’s face. “I take it back. You know more about me than I do.” How did she do that? How did she make him feel so exclusive, when everything she had just said, told him otherwise. “Honey, I like you. I really do.” Quinn ran his fingers through his hair and then looked away. He didn’t want to see the pain in Kate’s eyes, and he didn’t want to be responsible for it. “Fuck, this is confusing.”
         “Maybe you’re confused, but I’m not.” Kate looked straight at him, her eyelashes were wet and tangled at the ends.
         “Kiss me?” she said and she had come close enough for him to feel her breath on his lips.
         Quinn glanced around to see if anyone was watching. “What?” he said.
         “I miss the taste of you.”
         Christ, he mumbled, dragging Kate to the side of the garage. He looked at her face for a long time, considered various ways of telling her that she should not be saying things like that, especially not to him. Kissing Kate Piswanski was the furthest from his mind, because they were too different and because they were going to different universities, well, and because she was Kate and he was Quinn and because it just wouldn’t work. Just didn’t feel right. He opened his mouth and then closed it again.
         Kate pulled up her nose and dried the wet spots on her face with her sleeve. She breathed deeply, staring at the ground by their feet and when she looked back up he knew that he wouldn’t have to explain anything to her. She knew. Her mouth imitated a heart-breaking smile before returning back to normal.
         “I’m sorry,” Quinn whispered.



         He loved her response to his kiss, her vulnerability and her adoration. Quinn remembered the exact moment he wanted to sleep with Kate. He rubbed his eyes, rereading the same passage of his book for the fourth time. Shit, he mumbled. Quinn closed the book and rested his head on the cover.
         Why did she have to announce her undying love, and why did he have to go from thinking Kate was ugly to wanting to sleep with her? He put the book aside and looked around. His room was embarrassingly neat, so neat that his friends made fun of him, but it was that or get into trouble. He walked to the drawer on the other side of the room, picking up grey carpet fluff on the way. Quinn opened the bottom drawer and ran his fingertips over the ‘Suede Fillies’ posters he had to take down. The empty spots on the wall were whiter than the rest, but at least now his dad stayed away from his room.
         It had all happened so quickly, Sarah, the night on the lot, Kate saying ‘I love you’ and then leaving for Drover within a week, his acceptance at Nurhaven University. Quinn wanted to talk to someone about it, but didn’t know how. His brother would have understood. Daniel had an open mind. The trick was getting him to listen.
         Don’t go there, he reminded himself, but Daniel was in every fibre today and the pictures were already in his head. Daniel lying to his father so he would get hit in the face instead of Quinn; Daniel letting his brother have the larger piece of a chocolate bar he had stolen from his mother’s drawer; Daniel shouting at his mother and trying to stand up to his father; Daniel and Quinn fighting about everything, all the time, about who they were and who they weren’t. Just like the day he had died. They had shoved each other around and then Daniel had driven off in their dad’s car. Quinn wished that there was just an ounce of coincidence in that.
         He heard his younger brother call his name from downstairs, and for a second Quinn was tempted to spend the day playing with the thirteen-year-old. No, Stephen would have to wait until he felt less sorry for himself.
         He considered calling his friend Jim, but that would entail getting drunk and shouting over loud music. Quinn had made the mistake of telling Jim what had happened with Kate. His friend hadn’t understood, he had raved on about how he was ‘shagging the psycho chick’. Quinn had denied it all in the end. Repeating over and over that there was nothing going on, that nothing had happened, that it was all just a joke.
         All right, so he felt a little tempted to call her. Quinn decided that there was nothing wrong with admitting that. Maybe if he called Drover and asked the head office for Kate’s number--
         “Can’t you knock?” he snapped as Sarah strolled into his bedroom as if she was still allowed to.
         “I thought we were beyond knocking?” Sarah said.
         Quinn sat, resting his arms on his knees. He didn’t look at Sarah, focused on the floor instead, but from the corner of his eye he could see her slender body coming closer. She lowered herself onto the couch next to him.
         Quinn got up to sit on the single chair in the opposite corner. He gave her a dispassionate frown. “What happened to your other boyfriend?”
         “Didn’t you miss me at all?”
“No,” he lied.
Sarah smiled. “I didn’t think so. Jim told me what you did the night we broke up.”
         Quinn’s shoulders tensed. He looked over at a pile of yearbooks he had pulled out to look for a picture of Kate. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said.
         “Look at you, you look guilty as hell.” Sarah gave a squeaky laugh that up until now had never bothered him. “Are you falling for her?”
         “No.”
         “So, you’re just sleeping with her,” Sarah cooed, pointing at him with one long orange fingernail, “but you don’t want to admit it.”
         “What the fuck are you talking about?”
         “I’m saying that I don’t blame you for doing her. It happens.” She looked at her nails as if considering a trip to the manicurist, then she added, “All though, I would have preferred to be replaced by someone less ugly.”
         “I’m not sleeping with anybody.”
         “Remember that time at ‘Lenny’s’ when you said you’d had sex before? I knew right away that you were lying.” Sarah shifted on the couch to tuck her feet under her body. “I know when you’re lying, like now. We’re the same, you and me.”
         “And that would be a good thing?” Quinn snapped. “The only thing we share is a past, Sarah, now get out.”
         “A past.” Sarah breathed a sigh. “When I’m lonely I still think about him a lot.” Her face changed from anger to glee. “Daniel was the one who came up with the name ‘Psycho Kate’, do you remember? She was hanging around the schoolyard, that shaggy hair everywhere, biting her fingernails and staring at you like she was ready to hump you. Daniel told you that you needed to get rid of psycho bitch, remember?”
         “Leave--my brother--out of this.” Quinn tried to think of something else but it was too late. He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes.
         “He was part of me too.” Sarah said, her lips quivering. “People stopped talking about him, have you noticed? But I have to talk about him. I need to.”
         Tears slipped past Quinn’s lashes. He pretended to scratch his face and wiped the tears away.
         “You and Daniel, you were my family,” Sarah continued.
Quinn avoided her eyes. “Coming from a messed-up home and fucking us both, doesn’t make you family,” he replied quickly.
         Sarah’s body froze. “For what I put up with, I deserve to be family.”
         “Oh, please--,” Quinn said, but he wasn’t angry anymore. He was tired. He wanted to crawl into bed.
         “Daniel was a mess and you know it!”
         “Where’s this going?”
         “You know he treated me like shit,” Sarah shouted, “and you did nothing about it.”
         “Why didn’t you just walk away?”
         “Because there was nowhere to go.” A tear rolling down her face caught Quinn’s attention. “This is about you and me,” he added and his tone was less harsh. “Not about Daniel or anyone else.”
         “I know. You’re not like Daniel.” Sarah got up and slowly walked towards him. “That’s why I love you.” She straddled his legs and placed a hand on his lips to silence his protest.
         When she dropped the weight of her body onto his lap he couldn’t help feeling the heat of her body. Quinn acknowledged soft kisses along the side of his neck but it was the rhythmic movement on his lap that made way for Sarah’s tongue to slide into his mouth.



         “How’s Sarah?” Quinn’s mother said from where seconds ago there had been a closed door.
         “Doesn’t anyone around here knock?” he replied. Quinn had only just gotten rid of Sarah, the last thing he needed was his mother giving him one of her prep talks. He didn’t stand a chance with the women in his life, he decided. They walked all over him.
         “Can I come in?” Lorna asked and Quinn nodded. He moved aside to give his mother room on the windowsill. She sat down and folded her hands in her lap.
         For an old woman Quinn considered his mother attractive. Lorna was thin, bony even, with an aristocratic look about her. Like one of those Welsh actresses he saw on stage at the Shakespeare festival last year.
         “Was that your girlfriend I saw running from the house?”
         “We’re not together anymore.” Quinn looked out the window to avoid looking at his mother. He figured she must feel like a priest during confession. “Sarah dumped me the night of Misty’s party,” he added, his mouth forming a quick one-sided smile.
         Lorna reached for Quinn’s chin forcing his eyes to meet hers. “You were out forever that night,” she said. “What were you doing?”
         “Nothing.” Quinn blushed.
         “Who with?” and then louder, “Who were you with?”
         “Kate.“
         “Kate Piswanski?” Lorna leaned back against the window. “Is that why she left for Drover earlier than planned? Arianne was very upset--”
         “And I had something to do with that?” Quinn shot out. He looked straight at his mother, hoping to get some--any--information on Kate.
         “Did you?”
         “No,” Quinn replied. “I don’t know.” His gaze swept out onto the garden where his younger brother played Cowboys and Indians by himself.
         He remembered the night it all changed. The night Daniel and he had overheard their parent’s argument. It was their eleventh birthday and the day had begun with their parents arguing over how to celebrate it. His mother wanted to take them to the zoo, and then pick up the ice cream for the afternoon party she had invited all their friends to. Mr Bergen wanted the twins to go to church, then throw a football around in the park. Daniel and Quinn ended up staying in their room all day as Mr and Mrs Bergen discussed their future. Their father had insisted on taking over the raising of at least one child. He chose Daniel and his mother was too exhausted to disagree. She cried and nodded her head. Daniel wet his pants that night.
         “I trust you not to hurt that girl.” Lorna interrupted his thoughts. “Or anyone else for that matter.”
          Quinn watched Stephen sneak up on the neighbour’s cat with feathers sticking up from his head. “Sometimes it’s not easy.”
         “Try harder,” his mother insisted.
         Quinn nodded. When he looked out onto the garden Stephen was hiding behind a stack of chopped wood and his father's heavy footsteps moved around downstairs.



         Meanwhile at Drover University, Kate memorised her reading list. She would have to study hard if she wanted to make it to the next year. It was that or return to Fildon, she realised with a start.
         She got up to unpack her suitcase. Her room was tiny and the off-white paper lamp that hung from the ceiling was spotted with burn marks and tears. The carpet smelled of chemical cleaner and someone had written ‘Fighting for war is like fucking for virginity’ across the roof of her bunk bed. It could be worse. She could have roommates.
         Kate scratched her head. She could pin one of Arianne’s batik clothes to the roof of the bed and buy a new lamp when she went to town, maybe tomorrow, maybe never.
         Kate reached for the colourful material in her suitcase and with it came a folded piece of paper. She recognised it and shoved it into her back pocket. Damn Arianne for packing the list.
         A bell chimed somewhere and Kate wasn’t sure what it meant, it was quarter past one and she was dying of hunger. She leaned her forehead and one hand against the door. If someone knocked and asked her to come out, she would.
         Kate turned and walked to the desk next to the window. She picked up a jar of homemade jam and squatted under the window sill. The lid made a plopping sound as she opened it.


The ten point list by Kate Piswanski
         I, Kate Piswanski, hereby solemnly swear that I will not kill myself until I have done all of the following things, in no particular order:

1. Knit a sweater. (Because I hate knitting and Arianne thinks that alone will stop any thoughts of suicide coming to my head. I personally feel inclined killing myself just thinking about it.)
2. Make a newspaper headline. (Dr Shiffner says I’m smart. I think that he just wants to find things that are impossible to accomplish so that I stay away from razor blades.)
3. Sing in front of a large audience. (Not a chance. I can’t hold a tune if my life depended on it, which in this case, it does.)
4. Go to university. (I guess Arianne thinks that if I outlive puberty I’ll outlive wanting to kill myself.)
5. Wear a sexy sleeveless dress. (Over my dead body)
6. Save someone’s life. (According to Dr Shiffner this is supposed to put me in touch with life. He said it feels a million times better to save it than to take it. I don’t think he’s really grasped the concept of suicide.)
7. Sleep with a married man. (Yuk)
8. Go to a real demonstration. (This is one of Arianne’s. At this point I think she’s suggesting things she wants to do before she goes.)
9. Steal a car. (And get myself killed? See 2.)
10. Fall in love. (Done)

Read the next chapter "stone cold sober, chapter 6"  or start at the beginning "stone cold sober, Prologue"