Oh please! Help.

There must be some way for me to get out of this. Fuuuuck. Anna is terrible beautiful and is just lying there, waiting for me to give her the best experience of her life.

I would really like to do it

My hands are wandering along her body. Along the perfect breasts, the slightly rounded belly, my palms are strong and firm and she smile and laugh and I smile and laugh but I keep thinking; this isn’t working. I can’t, I can’t have sex anymore this way, not to feel good, you don’t feel good when you have sex just to have sex to feel good. Gosh, I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore, everything is so damn confusing. and….





Have you seen her?

She’s

Here

Again

Put her fingers

On the wrong places

Crossed

Or behind her back

No power to act

Not here, no



But I can usually do things like this. I mean, I’ve done it in a pub toilet, in the backseat of a car, outdoors, indoors, naked, dressed, well dressed, around the corner, on the balcony, in the bloody forest! I even did it with a woman I met on the buss once!

I fucked her last week

the gal I met on the bus

she is one of those English

indiepop-girls

with untidy hair

pale skin

and an elegant but sexy

vintage style



I didn't planned to do it

well it was not exactly

what I expected

after just two pints

cause I smelled of

cleaning chemicals

after working all day at my new

waitress job



We told each other the

stories of our life's

and she gave me half of

her cigarettes

and paid for the first round

before she asked me

Are you brave enough

to go home to my place

and watch a movie or so?



Of course I said yes

I felt happy and brave

and we started to kiss

just minutes before

we came to her house

Inside her room, we made out

on her bed, but she said

easy tiger, can't we talk a bit more?



So we talked and we kissed

and drank elderflower wine

while we watched

A Clockwork orange

and kept on kissing

until the movie disappeared

and all I could see was

her naked body before me



I fucked her last week

the gal I met on the bus

And i don't regret it a second



But now, in a bed, in Anna’s flat with a perfect view over the river, when she’s lying there almost naked and just want me to... Now when I have everything that I always long for, I don’t want it anymore.



Tears again

Its no point that

I

Put makeup on

I told her in

The tube

That evening

In November

The tears always fall

Down over

It

anyway

Delete

Erase the mask

Prove

Who I don’t want to be

But

am



She notice that I don’t want to, or that I don’t want to is not quite right., but I see that she takes her cardigan, buttons it fast. But actually I do want to I just wonder if I’m really allowed to have sex in this way or if I should be a nun or start seeking for the big love or become a eunuch and live sexless and without passion in Himalaya or…

But I put my hands on her shoulders, look in to her eyes and tell her that I really do want to fuck, I use the word fuck, to make her understand that its not some kind of confused cozy lovemaking I’m out for. She just laugh, says that she never believed anything else.

We talk for a wile. We talk and wile she talk with me, I sit quiet and pretend to listen as I plan my next move, my next line.

We talk and we kiss each other and then she’s naked again and I’m naked and our bodies are on each other, fingers and hands and tongues and lips and softness and totally bloody dissolved frustration. And finally the thoughts are gone and finally there’s freedom.

And I do no longer think when I caress her, I only think about the view and her cheeks, her lips, I don’t think about that I don’t think.

I just think that the act I’m doing

Right now

Is the only one

I can do without

Being locked inside the person I’m not