Death of the Nice Guy

First draft, I think it has potential. Probably some grammatical errors i didn't catch.



Perhaps the greatest peril threatening society today is the savage murder of the Nice Guy. One may point to overpopulation, or nuclear armament, or rampant disease as the vilest blights, but no singular device so corrupts the heart of a society as the passing of the Nice Guy. The greatest empires do not collapse from the top; the mightiest kingdom rarely supernovas is a fiery blaze of glory. Instead, tiny fissures split in the foundation supporting the supreme weight of modern society. These miniscule breaks, these diminutive cracks are what can topple the mightiest of men. It is the Nice Guy that holds the door open for the elderly woman, cwho may be rippled by life's journey but is replenished by this solitary act of goodness, so beautiful in its unqiueness. Nice Guys serve as the permanent Atlas of the world; it is they, the unthanked, unprovoked Nice Guys who hold up, support, our societal infrastructure.

Nice Guys are always born, never made. One is either born with the reseccive Nice gene, or he is saddled for life with the dominant Jerk gene. Regrettably, science cannot detect these genes from birth; it can take years for a future Nice Guy to begin to display the unmistakeable Nice qualities. Entire normal childhoods can be fully lived by Nice Guys, they will merge into the seamless flow of adolscents on the assembly line, invariably destined for the Sorter. The Sorter is where Nice Guys and Jerks are ripped apart, their values, ethics, morals, and demeanors will be forcefully stripped off from the natural camoflague and be put on display. (Over time, the Sorter was gradually renamed as High School). Jerks will have revealed their primal selfishness, their absolute lack of passion and compassion, and their immasureable charisma. Jerks are easily spotted in their natural habitat, they will be surrounded by other Jerks, as Jerks have a natural desire to flock together. Invariably, they will also be surrounded by girls, usually a very specific species known as the Airhead. The Nice Guy, however, can manifest himself in many different forms, as opposed to the very singular Jerk. Many Nice Guys can lead very succesful lIves through High School. They can be members of the football team, or hold positions of government. Nice Guys usually have many other Guy friends, wether the Guys are Nice or not. Nice is naturally open and inviting, attractive to the masses, while Jerk is drawn only to other Jerks.

Perhaps the biggest difference early in the Nice Guy's lifespan is the success with the opposite sex. Since Jerks are inherently flawed, they bring out the natural motherly instinct in girls; the desire for the satisfaction of fixing the Jerk outweighs any of the glaring defiecncies he may carry. Contrary to widespread belief, girls readily accept a challenge; in fact, they would rather have the fulfilling completion of giving effort for their boyfriends than to enjoy the boring, but fruitful tenderness that the Nice Guy offers. This is why the Nice Guy is inherently prone to falling into the darkest, most foreboding romantic area of all: the Friend. Whenever you see a girl lamenting about her terrible experience with her last Jerkish boyfriend to another guy, the patient, willing listener is without question a Nice Guy. Another hopelessly unfounded myth about Nife Guys is that they lack the confidence to approach girls. This is absolutley ridiculous. Barring truly socially inept Nice Guys, girls will actually often be attracted to a Nice Guy since his most basic operational characteristics, compassion, patiebce; and unwavering loyalty, are extremely desirable in any relationship. Since the Nice Guy known no better, he will initiate a series of kind acts whenever he enters a relationship with a girl. He will engage in conversations about her, personally, and he will listen whenever she needs to release. Unlike the single-minded Jerk, he would never pressure a girl or coerce her against her will. This is why girls develop a sense ofdeep trust with their Nice Guy friends. Meanwhile, she will continue to date classless Jerks, since they instill the emotions that cause the fluttering drama that girls, especially Airheads, so enjoy. So while Jerks will quite literally have a myriad of girls that their beck and call, Nice Guys will develop a series of extremely painful friendships with girls who don't return their subtle romantic nuances. A Nice Guy will never ask a girl out without a feeling of assurance, since he is too frightened of losing their friendship in light of a rejection.

This is the dirt reason the Nife Guy is dying out. Fresh Nice Guys Re produced all the time, but an ever increasing number are suppressing their Nice urges based on numbers alone. At face value, it seems to make sense. A variety of relationships with attractive, though often braindead, girls, or a series of deep, though unfulfilling, friendships. Since Nice Guys are also often Hopeless Romantics, they relentlessly beat down their Niceness in pursuit of returned romantic advances as.a Jerk. This makes the Nice Guy seem like a sacrifice without reward, a long, ardous trek wihout proper consequence. Since Love truly does conquer all, this is not so. The Nice Guy has the inside track to the greatest achievement, the penultimate collateral, and the epitome of happiness: true love. The Nice Guy's traits make him a naturally alluring to the finest type of girl, the Intelligent Girl. The Intelligent Girl is independant, so she doesn't smother the Nuce Guy's listening instinct. She is emotionally deep; she can connect with the equally developed Nice Guy and thusly spawns an intense understanding that is without equal. Love between an Intelligent Girl and a Nice Guy trumps anyrhing; makes storybook love seem immature, primal lust idiotic, incompatibility pitiful. However, only Nice Guys have the foresight to realize this before time expires. By the time Jerks and Airheads mature and search for soulmates, they realize that all the Nice Guys and Intelligent Girls have already married each other; while they were hoarding teenaged Napolenic power and social influence, Nice Guys simply passed them by in every aspect worth mentioning. However, since this foresight is rare, new Guys flock to the Jerk encampment because of the alluring immediate gratification.

This crammed mass shove toeards certified Jerk status produces a trickle-down effect. As the amount of Nice Guys dwindles, the amount of Nice Acts also diminishes. Thr coworker with the dying aunt no linger recieves a card and an open ear. The resigned shut in no longer recieves regular visits from a smiling face. The sweet family who are ubfortunatly down on their luck, no longer recieves an anonymous check. The pay it forward concept is halted almost instantly. A society already hemorgging common kindness will simply collapse into a degenerative dystopian self-centered state. The Jerks will fight over the last piece of meat, while the happily married Nice Guys will have moved to Great Britian.

Thusly, you few remaining Nice Guys, never give up. No matter how many times you've lost a girl to a Jerk, press on. Each rejection makes the right girl that much better. Every time you see a Jerk's supposed success, press on. He'll be thrashed by the great equalizer, Life, in ten years. When you despair about not being appreciated the way a Jerk is, press on, he'll have nothing to appreciate soon, and you'll have a girl who means the world to you. Live by these two proverbs. The greatest trajedy is a risk never taken. Love never fails.