The Beginning of The End

Preface: This is a letter that I wrote to my sister who died very unexpectedly and tragically.
She was only 44 years old, and I went to her gravesite and buried this in the
ground by her headstone.
Her time of death was determined to be between 2a.m. and 4a.m.
Our family feels but do know if she was taken from us by another’s hand.
This is what/who I refer to as “IT” because I do not consider anyone that could
murder to be an actual human being.
I confronted this “IT” with my questions, and was then
threatened with the confinement of a room with iron bars.


February 19, 2008

Sarah,
It has been six months and 10 days….and I still can’t believe that you are gone. I have not been able to go to your gravesite. I guess I am afraid to, and I still can’t believe it is true that you are there or your body is there. It is supposed to be at Mother and Daddy’s house…or at the apartment, or fussing with me on the telephone. And doing all the things we said we were going to do together.

I feel like my depression from my job, cost me what time I had with you, and I will always blame myself for that.

Valentines Day was hard for Daddy. He really really misses you….we all do. I hope you heard him read you your Valentine’s Day card…and he brought you roses.
It just doesn’t see as though any of this is real…and/or believable. I want to go and nail whoever did this and you know mother and daddy want me to mind my p’s and q’s and not “start anything such as being junior detective”… I just want to know who did this and throw them in jail and ask for the death penalty

And one day…I will. Bigtime. I want to know what happened….and I want for you to tell me…in some way. Whisper in my ear……show me something, tell me something through somebody else. I need to know …I have to know what happened to you. I just do not understand, and I just can’t accept it…..I have your picture at my desk…along with a little “sister angel”….and I just keep waiting for you to come home.

You are my little sister. And you are supposed to be here with me. We are supposed to grow old together. Hang out like the two old Walton sisters. I want to know what happened to you.

It haunts me every single day of my life. And it is not something I can just “get over”. I want to know that you are safe and I want to believe that you are with PawPaw and Mosie and Grand-daddy and GG. And that they are taking care of you.

I miss you every single day of my life, and I always will. This week has been bad though, I don’t know why. I talked to Daddy this morning and he said that he and mom have had a bad week as well.

For a long time Daddy and I both woke up at the same time every single morning, between about 2:30-3:30am. Strange….I don’t know if it meant anything? I would love to believe in Angels…and that you are amongst them….and that you are my own personal angel. I just wish that you would give me a sign, or a touch, same as I said before. I just really want to hear from you…or see you…or have you with me. But I do know you will always be with me…for the rest of my life.

I had planned so many things for us to do…..now that you were home. I wanted to go out places with you, shopping with you, to movies, I wanted to go back to bookbinders and have our espresso and crème Brule’. That was sooo good and yummy!...I remember you had fried shrimp and I had a steak…and we had so much fun laughing and joking and telling secrets. I wanted to do more of that with you…and go to so many more places.

I know our family is so moody and we all have “those”….when we argued, got ticked, laughed, did silly things, told secrets and stories…and all that kind of stuff. I was just hoping to be able to keep on doing those things. I thought that there would always be time. You always think that there will be tomorrow…but there isn’t always.

I really feel guilty because of my job at YouRememberWhere….I was feeling so down and sorry for myself…that I didn’t come over and spend time with you and I didn’t go out with you or to dinner or lunch with you. I feel as though I wasted time…precious precious time, that I will Never Ever be able to get back.

You just always think…oh there will be tomorrow…..And shockingly enough….so shocking… that I still don’t believe it…..there is no tomorrow. Not for us…not for our family.

I still can’t believe you are gone, Sarah…..you were the only person in our entire family I could completely confide in….and tell the truth to….(when you weren’t going behind my back…and telling …Mama-san)…hahahahaha….little dippy…

Things keep going through my head…and I can’t seem to make them stop. I try to push them out….and try not to think about them…but they just keep on coming back. I think about everything…..when I was with Ted and we were talking on the phone….Christmas’s ….family gatherings…birthdays….everything…you looking out for me when I felt depressed and I drank too much. You always told me you loved me….and made me laugh and feel better about things…..

Ted is gone….and you are really gone…even though I still can’t really say it in a believable way.

Well….the crazy person you thought was your friend. …had me arrested ….for “threatening it’s life”…..do you really believe that?.... I had to go to the police office, where they arrested me, had me finger printed and had my picture taken.

I had to go before a magistrate and a judge to get my court date. Lucas said it was really very serious. That I could end up in jail for 2 years. Do you believe this big fat asshole of a non-human being….whom even you were afraid of……did this to me?

I don’t know what is going to happen to the rest of my life….I want to just go and jump off the bridge or take a handful of pills….it just is not worth it anymore. None of it is. I wish I had died…and you had lived.

I don’t understand..it makes no sense.

This asshole…didn’t get your furniture and your money…so IT had me arrested. I told “IT” that it had better stay away from me…..and I made up a stupid story….and that crazy person had me arrested and wants me to stay in jail.

I really have no life……none…..All I am is a failure to everyone…who is in my life….and I have ruined mother and daddy’s…..or should I say that crazy “IT” who you thought was your friend….did.

Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it. Lunatic….insane….non-human being……

I know that IT will burn in Hell for everything “IT” has done to our family and you.

All I know…is I wish you were back home..where you belong..and we could turn the clock back to 08/01/07 and change all of our lives forever.
I will love you forever




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