The Angst of a Modern Man

He sat there watching the crow. Being stuck at a traffic light offers no amusement of its own, so his eyes wandered to the first thing that caught his attention.
There a crow was trying to peel whatever remains had been firmly ingrained into the pavement. Last night’s rain didn't seem to loosen the adhesive that was keeping that carcass there, but the bird remained undaunted nonetheless.
(name) couldn't help but watch as this simple bird struggled with the task of grabbing it's daytime meal. As the crow continued to peel back the rotting flesh, he would cock his head to watch for the stopped traffic.
He knew...
(name) pondered on how many birds had been run down by timing this situation incorrectly.
Science may have these birds documented as having small brains, but he was not stupid.

(name) couldn't help but watch with interest as the bird managed to grab one small portion of flesh with its beak, but it wasn't enough. It was obvious that this bird was determined to get all of it. The crow quickly hopped to the other side of the carcass and began to work.

During that moment, the light turned green. As traffic began to accelerate at through the intersection, the crow quickly tried to fit as much of the remains into his beak and fly off, but one end of his meal still remained stuck to the road.

This was the moment of choice. What was more important to him now?

The oncoming car seemed to pay no respect to the crow and his breakfast and didn't bother to slow down to help him decide. With no time left, the crow dropped the portion he had in his beak and flew off.

“Maybe next time pal, maybe next time” <name> mumbled.

<name> pondered the significance of that event.

We've all been in that situation before. We've put ourselves in the way of the proverbial train wreck while pursuing the things we want or maybe even needed. We somehow rationalize the risks, maybe even justify them. But to every other onlooker, it's a disaster in motion and all they can do is watch and wait for the carnage to happen.

Being lost in thought, he missed his street. He had driven this route to and from work a thousand times, and surely thought instinct would guide him to work. But his mind was way past auto-pilot, he was somewhere deeper than instinct.

He snickered to himself as he pulled into a parking lot to turn around. As he made the turn, he focused his attention to the cup on the dash as some coffee spilled from the lip and ran down the cup on to the floor.
Had he not had one drink yet?
He must be more tired than he thought. He was too tired to drink coffee; that was a new low.




As he pulled into the parking lot, the feelings came back. He resented this place. He hated this parking lot.
Being the symbolic prison it was, this was the last stop of personal freedom; the entrapment of secular employment.

<name> half-heartedly parked his car. He made no effort to stay within the confines of the parking spot, which the human resources department had e-mailed so many memos about. This was no accident though. He was double parked.

(Sometimes to live, we must do the extraordinary)

He slowly climbed out of his vehicle and examined his handy work. This was worthy of a picture.

<name> grabbed his cellphone and quickly took a snapshot of this moment in all its glory. This was going to be the highlight of his day, and he was going to enjoy it.
This wasn't about rebellion. This was about change. The power to change. The power to embrace any whim at any time and not worry about the “consequences”. This moment was about him.

He was satisfied.

After burying his cellphone into his jacket pocket, he hopped back into his car and corrected his parking. This was his reality; and he detested it.

With the car now parked, he grabbed his mug of coffee and proceeded to walk his way to the office. With no official parking spots, the spots closest to the door were always contested. Today, he had lost.

He walked along the walkway to the office and noticed the cigarette butts littering the break area. It was no wonder, since so many of his colleagues sought relief through the last of the legal narcotics.

<name> looked down at his coffee mug and smiled to himself. He was grateful that he didn't take up smoking, but he still knew that he had his own addictions to grapple with. Maybe being a coffee addict wasn't as much a public health hazard as smoking was, but the caffeine withdrawal headaches and stained teeth couldn't be healthy either. He didn't care though, it got him through that day and that is all that mattered.

<name> had made it to the front door of the office. As he opened the door, he ran face to face with a woman attempting to leave the office. Being this early in the morning and being only half awake, she caught him completely off guard.
Realizing that she was trying to leave, he took a step back outside, and after juggling his coffee in one hand and briefcase in the other, surrendered to the idea and decided to hold the door open for her with his foot. She smiled briefly and thanked him as she began to walk by.

As she passed, he studied her face, trying hard not to be caught staring. He tried to appear uninterested in her, but at the same time, hoping to steal glances without appearing intrusive. He wondered why she too was trying to avoid eye contact. What was she thinking about at that moment? Was she wondering about who he was?

It didn't matter.

He was a man in his early 40's. He was well past the prime of man and was close to reaching the age of acceptance. Acceptance that his life was already molded to be what it was going to be. There was no going back. However, been close to the age of acceptance also meant that he was still living in denial;
denial which had led some men to the mid life crisis.
<name> had heard some of the stories. He even had a few friends himself that had reached that stage in life. The stage that propels men to turn their worlds upside down in an effort to find peace and clarity.

Last year, his friend Bill had traded in his little Volkswagen for an Audi Sports Coup, which wasn't bad in itself; but then following that, he also bought the new leather jacket, dyed his hair an unusual color and began blaring ACDC while driving. It was almost like he was trying to be seventeen again.
Bill’s life began to sound like some Bryan Adams catalogue song and his friends all laughed at him for it.

<name> smirked as he found himself still holding the door open, long after the woman had made her way through the parking lot.
He hadn’t yet made it through the front door and he was already daydreaming of being elsewhere. This was going to be a long day.

After making it through the wave of initial greetings, <name> walked into his office and quietly closed the door behind him. He unburdened himself of his jacket and suitcase and took a deep breath.

“We can do this…”

As he sat down, he quickly scanned his desk. It was neat and orderly, as should any desk that belonged to the obsessive. He was the kind of person that would spend the first few minutes of his workday readjusting the positioning of a stapler or pencil cup. Order brought him a brief sense of tranquility.

He shifted his attention to a picture on his desk.
He and his wife Sarah had taken a small excursion to Ireland when they were first married, which was close to 15 years earlier. The picture captured two people in their late twenties, with the world ahead of them, smiling over a dinner they were sharing at some small pub.
<name> had always loved this picture.
The memory brought back happier times when life was simple and the woes of financial obligation hadn’t quite yet had its evil grip on their relationship.
He almost resented the two people in that picture. A life that perfect should never be bragged about to others and here they were, rubbing it in his face every day.

<name> took a sip from his now lukewarm coffee and began to ponder about things that were far too weighty to think about for a Monday morning…



Another day was done. <name> stepped over the threshold of the front door and stumbled over some shoes that were thrown about.
He swept his foot across the floor and kicked the shoes into a pile.
He didn’t know exactly where Molly was, but it didn’t matter. He elevated his voice just enough so that she could hear his mild chastising.

“Molly can you please not leave your shoes at the front door?!”

Molly peeked her head around the corner from somewhere upstairs and announced her protest.
He masked his agitated state by offering a smile.
“Hi hunny…”

Molly was obviously distracted with whatever was going on in her room and gave him a half –hearted smile and retreated back to her hovel.
She was growing up too fast. It seemed just yesterday that she was born, and today, she was 11. What were once dolls and pink bicycles had changed to mp3 players and rides to the movies.
<name> never claimed to understand all the changes that she was going through; the ugly transition that propels a child to become a teenager. Maybe that was the barrier between them, knowing that he would never understand.

<name> pursed his lips together and with a furrowed brow closed the front door behind him. Focusing on his surroundings, he could hear Sarah singing over the radio in the kitchen.

He walked quietly into the kitchen and leaned against the wall and just watched…

Sarah was standing on a chair reaching for a top shelf in the one the cabinets. He wasn’t sure exactly what her objective was, but it couldn’t be too serious of a task since she seemed busier dancing than being cautious.
Being raised in the house that she did; she was a very proper individual. Many people knew her as level headed, strong and reliable person, but no one considered her the life of a party.
Seeing her here though, swaying from side to side brought out the part of her that maybe she wished nobody saw.
She was still a beautiful woman. Though they had been married for fourteen years, she still had a youthful appearance to her that defied her age.
Time has a way of taking its toll on people; some get fat, some bald, some grey and some just get bitter; but not Sarah.

As Sarah finished her task, she carefully placed her left foot on the floor and twisted her body to take a step toward the sink. It was only after she had turned around that she realized her husband was there.
"<name>! I didn't hear you come in."