Finding Herself

Chapter 1
It was about a month after Raven’s 16th birthday. She stood at the bathroom sink waiting for a pregnancy test to give the results. All she could think of is what she would do if she was going to have a child. Abortion was out of the question, it would be taking a life, Murder, and she couldn’t do that to an innocent child. “No.” she thought “that was not an option.” Just as she had drifted off in a daze the timer on the sink went off. It startled her and she let her emotions go for a second causing the timer to be sent flying across the room. She immediately directed her attention to the test strip. “No!” She said in a whisper as she let the test stick that read positive drop to the floor. Her knees gave in and she fell to the floor, tears rolling out of her eyes as her shoulders shook. Her heart was full of pain and anger at the same time. “Damn you!” She cursed, pounding her fist on the floor. Outside the door beast boy was holding himself and pounding on the door… “Come on Raven how long does it take to go to the bath…” He was cut off mid sentence by the door opening and raven floating out quickly with a stream of tears being left behind her. He thought maybe she was on the rag and it was his fault for bothering her. “I’m sorry!” he yelled down the hall, “I didn’t mean to rush you!” She turned her head around to reveal her mascara running down her face from her tear filled eyes. Beast Boy slowly approached her, “Why are you crying? What’s wrong Ra…” he reached for her shoulder, She jerked away sharply, shutting her eyes tight trying to hold back the tears as they stung her eyes. “Nothing’s wrong.” She lied “I just…” She felt her knees give way again and she burst out into tears. “Now I know something’s wrong.” He said, “Just tell me what’s up with you! Please?” He begged. “I can’t.”, she said crying even harder now, She turned and lunged foreword into a stumbling run down the hall way. “Wait!” he yelled down the hall after her. She swiftly entered her room. She picked up a book that was lying on her dresser and sat down on the edge of her bed. She let herself fall back on the bed as she hugged the book to her chest, she wanted to read but there was no way she could even pay attention to the words right now. All she could think of was that horrible day. Her birthday, “Aren’t birthdays supposed to be happy?” She thought as she relived every miserable second of that day. Suddenly a knock came from the other side of the door, it was Robin, She heard a muffled request for her to come out so they could talk. She came to the door and cracked it open slightly, just enough for one of her eyes to show from out of the darkness. “What is it?” she said. “Beast Boy told us that you were upset earlier, I’de like to know what’s going on.” Robin explained. She wanted so badly to tell him, just blurt it out, get it off her chest, but she couldn’t she wouldn’t let herself do that. She told him “I’m okay, but can we please talk about this tomorrow?” “Sure.” He said looking puzzled. What he didn’t know was that Raven planned to be gone long before tomorrow ever came. “It wouldn’t be fair to burden the rest of the team with this… They would not be able to bare it.” She told herself. “This is for the best.” She packed two outfits, a few of her close personal belongings, and a group photo of all her teammates and herself from when they had first started the team. She had drawn a blue heart around Beast Boy’s face, he was doing his goofy ear to ear grin in the picture. She had to laugh a bit. Later that night at about 11:00 she opened her door with her hood on and the black backpack that held her belongings swung on one shoulder. She peered out to the left and right down the hall, “Nothing.” She though, “Good.” She taped a note that she had written earlier to her door. It stated that she was resigning from the Teen Titans, she left her reason unknown, but she did add that it had nothing to do with any of them. At the end she told them all thank you and goodbye, she had attached an envelope that read “For Beast Boy’s eye’s only” Inside she told him of how she had always liked him as more than just a friend but was afraid to tell him. She crept down the hall toward the living room where the main entrance was. As she went out the door she turned around and said, “I’m sorry.”





Chapter 2
Robin woke up the next morning and went into the kitchen expecting Beast Boy and Cyborg to be playing video games, Raven to be reading and Starfire to greet him with her usually cheery attitude but this was not how it was, they all sat on the couch looking worried, except for Raven. “What’s up?” he asked a bit worried himself that he did not see Raven. “Our friend Raven has ran away and we can not locate her.” Starfire said. “She left her communicator on her bed.” Cyborg added. “We found a note on her door, she says she’s quitting the team.” “And she left a note for BB.” “Really?” Beast Boy asked. “Here, it says it’s for you only.” Cyborg said questioningly. Beast Boy opened the envelope and read the letter silently. In the letter Raven wrote it said,

“Dear Beast Boy,
I know I haven’t always been exactly nice to you, but I want you to know something. Deep down I really like you, as more than just a friend. I was just afraid to tell you and I do think your jokes are funny, well most of them anyway. I am going to miss you the most, I wish it didn’t have to be this way but I have to leave, I’m sorry. I love you.
Love Raven”
“What?” Beast boy said out loud. “I have to find her!” Beast boy got up ignoring Robin who was asking him what the letter said. Beast Boy walked out the door and hit the streets in search of Raven. Robin and the rest of the team split up to find her. Beast Boy searched every place he knew she went to except for the old bookstore on 5th avenue, sure enough he found out that she had been there earlier when he asked the man at the counter about her. He headed for the lounge down the street, it was poetry night, he knew how much Raven liked to hear poetry read. He opened the door to the lounge slowly he scanned the entire room thoroughly. Just as he was about to leave he spotted a girl, with a black hoodie on. She had the hood up and was listening intently to the poetry being red. She turned her head slowly to face him and recognized him. She quickly turned her head the other way but it was too late he had already seen her eyes, a deep violet blue. “Beautiful.” He thought as He slowly walked over to her in a trance like stage. He was lost in the thought those big blue almost purple eyes and he kept remembering how they looked filled with tears. Raven knew he was coming over to her, even so, she kept her eyes on the stage as if she had no clue that he was right behind her. “When I listen to these people read their poetry I can actually feel their pain, hurt, anger, and even joy. It makes me feel almost like I’m normal. ” She said. He was surprised that she knew he was there. “I always wondered why you came here, and now I know.” He said. “Can we talk?” he added. “Can I finish listening to the poetry readings first?” She asked. “Yeah, sure.” He answered nervously. He couldn’t help but ask her, “So… you like me? Right… Well, Uhh, I’ve kind of have a crush on you too… He, He…” He confessed trying to laugh it off lightly. “You do… Really?” she said a bit surprised. “Yeah.” He confessed as he scratched his head. She looked at him and gave him a small grin, and then a tear fell from her face. “Let’s leave.” She said. They both got up and left the lounge. She stopped and so did he. They turned to face each other, he reached for her hand and amazingly enough to him she let him hold her hand. “This is as far as you’re getting though.” She said in a sarcastic tone of voice and she shot him a smile. He smiled a bit and then his face became serious when he told her, “I would never try to go any farther than this without you asking me to. I know it might seem like I’m just a goof ball, but I can be serious when I need to be. I want us to be able to talk about anything with each other. I’ll always be here for you. You can tell me anything, so please tell me what’s been going on.” She was awe struck, she had never seen him like this. She never knew he could be this caring and compassionate. She began to tear up and then she let go crying. She fell forward into his arms. He held her close and rubbed her back comfortingly. “It’s okay, it will be alright.” He reassured her.

Chapter3
When Raven stopped crying he pulled her face off of his chest. “What’s wrong, please tell me. I’m worried about you Raven.” He said. All she could say was, “Slade.” “What? He’s gone Raven you don’t have to worry about him any more.” He said. “No…” she said as she felt herself beginning to cry again, “He… raped me…” She turned toward the empty ally beside them and started to walked down it. Beast Boy in awe of what he had just heard took a minute to be able to say anything. “What!” he exclaimed. Raven stopped by a dumpster and turned around to face him. “when did this happen?” he asked as he slowly caught up to her and put his arm around her. “On my birthday.” She said looking down. “do you want to talk about it with me? You don’t have to but I’ll listen if you want to talk.” He said. “Sure.” She choked out through her tears. “Where did it happen?” he asked. “Do you remember when I fell from that building roof and Robin caught me? This is what happened, Slade held me down and forced some kind of liquid into me from a syringe in my uh, you know and raped me on the roof top. While he was on me he tore off his mask and all that was there was a skull. He kissed me on the neck and worked his way up to my lips. He stuck his tongue deep in my mouth and I felt like vomiting. I couldn’t use my powers, and I’m weak physically since all my powers are psychic. There was nothing I could do; I have never felt so helpless. Then I felt him release inside me and it made me felt like I died inside. He got off me after that and pulled his pants back up. He told me that I would have a little piece of him with me from now on. He grabbed me by the shoulders and showed me a vision of the whole city in ruins, then he pushed me off the roof” “Did he say anything else to you or did he just…” the changeling asked. “ He kept saying that the message will be delivered… and Beast Boy…” she said “Yeah.” He answered. “I’m pregnant.” She said as she fought from keeping it to herself. “What? It’s Slade’s? How? That’s why you’ve been.” He said feeling very angry at Slade and also sorry for Raven. “Well in a way it is his child but the liquid I told you that her put in me that was what fathered the child. He came to me last night after I left; he told me that he had genetically engineered some of his “Seed” with D.N.A. from all of us except me because he would use me as the mother of the child. That liquid was the altered seed. “She explained solemnly. “Whoa! So it’s partly my baby too then?” He said amazed at this Sci-Fi like situation. She said, “In a weird way, yes.” Excitedly he exclaimed, “We gotta tell Robin and the rest of the…” “NO!” She said firmly. I don’t want to bother them with this and I definitely don’t want them to think that I’ve been damaged by him. No one can ever know that he is, in a way, the father.” “Okay, I won’t tell them but will you please come back home.” He asked. “Yes, I’ll come with you.” She said. “You probably don’t feel the same about me after I told you the truth do you? I understand, I’m sorry that I let you hold me while I cried and for letting you hold my hand when I knew that it could never be… I just wanted to feel love for once in my life.” She told him as she began to tear up. He noticed that it was getting dark outside as he put his arm around her and said “This doesn’t change anything about the way I feel about you, all it did was make me want to kill Slade and want to be here for you even more. I love you Raven, and I always will.” By this time they were both headed home. He knew exactly what she needed was a laugh, he said, all beautiful princesses have a horse to ride, it’s usually white, but this is the best I can do. Hop on.” Then he morphed into a horse. “Jackpot!” he thought as he heard her let out a small laugh as she climbed on. He galloped several blocks and then morphed into a pterodactyl and flew home with Raven riding on his back with her arm thrown around his neck and her eye’s shut. She was tired from not sleeping at all the last night. He landed on Titan Island and morphed back to human form holding a sleeping raven in his arms. When he came in the door Robin began screaming, “Where were you two? We were out looking for you all day.” He stopped when he saw Raven, “Is she alright?” Robin asked the changeling. “Yeah.” Beast Boy told him with his lower jaw jutting forward to show one of his teeth. “She’s just tired.” Beast Boy had a serious look on his face as he walked past the couch where Cyborg and Starfire sat playing video games. Cyborg asked if he needed help and if he wanted to get his tale kicked at Macho Wrestler Robots 4. He ignored him though and continued to walk down the hall. Beast Boy stopped in front of Raven’s room but he remembered how many times she had told him that no one was allowed into her room. He continued on to his room but then thought of how bad that might look if he took a passed out girl into his room for the night. So he called Cyborg and Starfire and asked them to help him lay Raven on his bed. “I want someone else here so that when she wakes up she won’t think I tried to do anything to her. I know she doesn’t trust me and I’m afraid to take her to her room because you know how she doesn’t like anyone in there. Anyway I’ll sleep on the couch to night.” He quickly rounded up all of his dirty laundry and put it in the hamper. He cleaned his room in 10 minutes and took the hamper to the washer. “His room had never been so clean and fresh.” He thought. Cyborg said, “Can we go now clean freak?” “Um… just a sec.” He said. He grabbed a pen and a piece of paper he wrote Raven a note that said,
“Raven, you fell asleep on the way home last night and I know how you don’t like anybody to go in your room, so I put you in my room. Don’t worry I slept on the couch all night because I wanted you to have your space, Cy and Star can verify that. Anyway I hope we can talk more. Oh and when you get up in the morning I’m making tofu waffles. I love you. –BB
He taped it to the bottom of the top bunk so that when Raven woke up on the bottom bunk she would see the note above her. He walked out of the room and said “let’s go play some video games.”
Chapter4
Raven woke up the next morning with a secure feeling for some reason. She immediately noticed that she was not in her room, “This is Beast Boy’s room, but why am I…” She thought. She rolled over to see the note that was taped above her head and she read it. She had to smile it was so funny, “He was so sweet, a little paranoid, but sweet.” She thought. She got up from the bed and headed for the kitchen. She was surprised when Starfire jumped out of nowhere to greet her. “GOOD MORNING!” Starfire said in a cheerful way. “uh.. Yeah…” Raven said in a low, dark voice. “Hey it’s bout’ time you got up Rae, BB’s making some tofu waffles and I need somebody else to tell him that they taste like garbage.” Cyborg said quickly with his tongue hanging out from the bad taste. Robin quickly said, “Look Raven, we need to talk.” “I know.” She replied knowing that Robin didn’t know just how right he was. “All of us as a team.” He added. She froze at the thought of having to tell them all at once knowing that there would be such a awkward silence after she told them. Usually she enjoyed solitude and silence but this, this would be different. She felt like she was going to melt into the floor. “I think I’m going to be sick.” She whispered. She had been getting sick in the mornings for a while now but this was worse. “Raven are you okay?” Robin asked after hearing her comment. She could feel the liquid rising from her stomach and coming up in her throat. She swallowed hard trying to avoid what was coming but she couldn’t stop it. She held her stomach and bent forward hurling in the floor. She fell back against the wall and slid her back down it. She sat on the floor holding her head. “Damn you Trigon!” she thought, “It’s all your fault for bringing Slade back.” “Raven are you okay?” Robin asked worriedly. “I’m fine.” She lied. “You sure don’t look like it.” He said. She closed her eyes wishing to be anywhere else but there. She knew that the longer she waited to tell them the harder it was going to be, so she took a deep breath and reluctantly began, “Slade… He… Hurt me and I’m pregnant.” She shut her eyes tight so she wouldn’t see the expression on his face. “Oh my god!” Robin yelled as he turned around and put his fist straight through the wall. The other titans all looked at their telepathic friend who was now in tears. “I am so sorry.” He said as he knelt down beside her, as he walked off down the hall to his room he screamed, “That bastard will pay!” Beast Boy had been peering around the corner from the kitchen the whole time. He saw Raven crying with her knees pulled into her chest and her head resting on them. The image tore him apart from the inside out. He decided to wait to talk to her though. Starfire walked over to Raven and started to say something but instead she just said, “I am sorry Raven.” And then she floated down the hall way slowly and turned around to glimpse at her fallen team mate with a heavy hearted look. Then Starfire proceeded to her room as well. Cyborg got up off the couch and scratched his head looking for something to say, “Rae, I… had no idea. We’ll catch him, I promise. Robin won’t let him get away with this and neither will we.” He did not look at Raven when he said this for fear that it might upset her even worse. He walked out of the living room and said “I’m gonna go rotate the T car’s tires.” In an upset and angry tone. Raven had never felt so alone. Beast Boy came out from around the corner. “Raven, are you okay?” He asked. “What kind of a question is that.” she thought. “Of course I am, I’ve just been raped by one of my father’s minions, found out I’m pregnant, and had to tell all my friends about it.” Then she thought of the fact that Beast Boy was two years younger than her, and at 14 anyone would sound a little dumb. “The fact is he is trying to be nice to me and I should be thankful for that.” She thought. She began to cry and hugged him tightly. He stroked her hair and said, “You did the right thing.” “Then why does it hurt this bad?” She asked as she began to cry even harder. Robin was standing at the end of the hall way watching the two titans. He watched the changeling help Raven get over to the couch to lie down and then cleaned up the mess. He saw Beast boy ask her if she wanted a blanket and offer her something to eat, tofu waffles then chicken noodle soup, both offers were declined. Then Beast Boy asked her if she wanted to go to bed. At first Robin jumped at this thinking it was an invitation for her to go to bed with the changeling but when he heard him ask if she needed help getting to her room. Robin realized that he was just concerned about her. Beast Boy helped the exhausted telepath up off the couch and to her room. Robin swiftly hid behind the corner. Beast Boy was in and out of Raven’s room within seconds. He shut the door behind him and walked off towards his room. Robin Raised an eyebrow in confusion, “I thought she hated him.” He said.
Chapter 5
Days turned into weeks and soon 5 months had passed. Raven was now 6 months along and showing it. Her stomach was stretched tightly and her black leotard now fit a little too snuggly to her. She was embarrassed at times because of the feeling of the little one flipping inside her. “It’s disgusting, and yet somehow at the same time comforting.” She thought. Over the months she and Beast Boy had become inseparable. She had began to play Video games (even though she mostly just chunked the controller at the T.V., and he had taken up meditating with her. It was Saturday, a perfect day to watch T.V., but Beast Boy had other things in mind. He went up to Cyborg, who was sitting on the couch watching football, and whispered something to him. “No way!” Cyborg yelled. “Come on, do it for her. PLEASE?” Beast Boy begged. “Okay.” Cyborg said in a defeated tone. Grumbling under his breath, Cyborg changed the T.V. to the Bridal Channel. “Thanks Cy” Beast Boy said as he quickly headed towards his room. He bumped into Raven in the hall . She was reading as usual. She looked up at him slowly. “Oh I’m sorry!” He said, “Are you okay?” “I’m better than okay.” She said with a small smile. “ You want to play chess?” She asked. “Nah I need to go train.” He lied. “I’ll come with you then.” She said. “uh what I meant to say was that I need to clean my room.” He said nervously. “Okay.” She said questioningly raising an eyebrow. She continued on into the living room. “Anyway why has Beast Boy been gone so much lately?” Robin asked Cyborg. “He got a job, he’s had it for about 5 months. He saved up his money and bought a ring for… Hey Rae What’s up.” Cyborg said changing the subject quickly when Raven entered the room. “I’ll tell you later.” he mumbled to Robin. “Oh hey, let me ask you something alright. If a guy was proposing to you would you get mad if he did it in private?” He Stammered out. “ Uh…” She Sighed. “I guess not.” She said confused furrowing her brow. “What I mean is if a guy was going to propose to you would you want him to ask you in front of everyone or just you and him?” He explained. “Why are you asking me?” She questioned. “Because you’re a girl and I was just watching this show and the girl got mad at her fiancé for proposing to her in private and she made him ask her again in front of everybody at the mall.” He lied “Oh, well then I guess I would rather him to ask me in private.” She said. “What about you Star?” He yelled down the hall at Starfire. “What are you speaking of my friend?” She asked cheerfully. He asked her the same question so that it wouldn’t look suspicious. Starfire’s answer was that it would not matter where or how the guy asked her as long as she loved him. After that Cyborg changed the channel back to football. “Oh man! It’s already the third quarter.” He said disappointed. Later that night Raven was in her room when her communicator went off. She picked it up and instead of seeing a person’s face on the screen there was a note that said, “Walk outside your door.” She hoped it was just one of her teammates messing with her but she had a bad feeling about it. “A piece of paper just called me… Super.” She thought. When she stepped out of her room there were arrows on the floor pointing down the hallway. “The last time they did this was on my birthday, and they threw a surprise party.” She thought. “But the arrows were going the other way then.” She continued to follow them cautiously and saw that they led to Terra’s old room. She stepped inside the door. “Hello.” She said. “Who’s there?” she said a bit frightened by a noise coming from the corner. Suddenly the curtains opened to reveal the light of the moon. A dark male figure stood at the window looking at her. “If this is your idea of a joke it’s not funny!” she yelled at the