For The Good of Myself

For The Good of Myself

by Heliades

Chapter 1____________

Fire Wood



         Emptiness echoes as zip cars travel across the blank darkness of space. The darkness is only pierced by the light of four planets. Zipping by, Jae whispers the name of his own home: “Zajsk.” He was on his way home and his excited breath made the cold air of the zip car turn white with each breath. Four years of training and he was finally done. He had done the impossible. He finished training for the Calmar Army and he refused to join.



---



         “Jae. Jae, look at me.” Jae was staring at the swirling sky, thinking about his situation. “Jae!” He felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.

         “What?! Jesus Christ, teacher, what?” Jae said.

         Teacher grabbed Jae's face and turned it towards his own. “It's your turn next! Remember, look directly into the director's eyes. Answer exactly as I told you. You face severe punishment if you do not.”

         Jae looked at the small platform. Despite its small size, it was fairly elaborately designed. The director of the Calmar Army was sitting on a large red and orange blanket with a simple design of alternating chevrons. Currently, another student was sitting across from him staring blankly into his eyes. His answers to the Director's questions held no meaning. He said as he was told. For some reason, this made Jae a little queezy.

         The student stood up, thanked the director and strolled off the stage. Someone cheered in the audience and the director stood up and stared straight at them. His black hair combed back slickly on his head, his cold, cobalt eyes were a void like space. The person stopped cheering.

         Slowly, Jae walked towards the steps to the platform, his teacher stayed behind. He stopped at the steps. His thoughts were completely scrambled.

         “What do I say? If he asks... no, no. He never asks that. He's staring right at me, he wants me to walk up. I can't do it, this isn't what I wanted. I never asked for this. I'm not even sure what they do!”

         “JEPMAN, do you plan on standing there all-day?” Jae jumped as the director spoke. He quickly scurried up the stairs and sat on the blanket across from the Director. He fixated his eyes on the cobalt voids and was sucked in.

         “Jepman, you have shown great promise as one of our students. What is it that you have learned?”

         Jae responded as he was told: “To control the flow of my motions according to the flow of energy inside me. I am not a machine, I am a living utility against the wrongs of the universe. My hands are my knives and my feet are my guns. With this, I will never die. I will only pass on into a glorious infamy.”

         “Very good. What is it that you have really learned?”

         “To kill with my own hands.”

         “Jepman, the Army requests your services. We require your confirmation of your ability to utilize what you have learned for the greater good of Calmar. Will you accept?”

         The air suddenly turned dead-man cold. Jae felt absolutely nothing. His eyes slowly drifted from the Director's eyes to a spec of dust that was floating a good three meters away. It seemed to shimmer with gold as it fell to the ground. But as it hit the green grass, the gold dust perished. Jae made his decision.

         “I respectfully decline.”

         “Wha-what?” The sound was audible to only Jae. The crowd had already started mumbling among itself. “You what?”

         “I decline, Director.” Jae said it louder this time. He was sure of his answer. He would not become a weapon of death. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see his teacher staring coldly at him. His teacher had warned him that declining could have dire consequences, but he did not care. After four years of grueling training to turn him into a living, killing machine. He was told he was not a machine, but he knew that the Army had only one purpose for him.

         “Okay, Jepman. I accept your answer. If you would, please step off the stage.” Cold shivers ran down Jepman's spine as the director spoke to him. Jae stood up as the Director made some motions towards a group of soldiers standing near the platform. The soldiers nodded and walked away. Something was wrong here, but Jae didn't care. He was basically free now. Once he walked off this stage he could take the little money he had, grab a zip car off Calmar to Zajsk and see his family!

         “Jae, Jae. JAE!” The sharp pain again. “Do you know what you have done? Do you even understand? Jae, look at me.” Jae turned to look down at his old teacher. Jae towered almost domineeringly over him, but teacher has a presence to him that immediately made students follow his orders.

         “Yes, teacher, I am aware of what I have done. I have freed myself from years of servitude to a monstrous group of murderers. I am now free to do what I wanted to do in my life.”

         “No, you goddamn idiot. You do not understand. It's too late now. I can do nothing for you. But go home and you will understand. Go home and feel the idiocy of your actions.” Teacher's face contorted into a face of hate.

         “Okay, old man, sorry to disappoint you.” Jae turned around and kept walking towards High Hill. The small city of Sirmána, home of the Calmar army, became even smaller.



---



         Sirmána stood in the cradle of a large valley and the only way out was a small trail that twisted through the thick trees of the nearby mountains. Jae made fairly good time on the trail, his long legs taking long strides. His brown overcoat kept him comfortable in the cold of the tall mountains. As the trail reached the top, the trees got thicker and it began to snow. At first it was a thin layer of ice over the trampled, brown trail but soon Jae was pushing himself through a good two feet of snow. His pace slowed to a standstill.

         Jae eyed the falling snow. He slowly reached out his hand, letting the flake land on his finger. It immediately melted. The bushes rustled in the wind. Jae dismissed it as an animal and slowly stood up.

         He felt a hand on his neck.

         “Do not move.” The voice attached to hand said.

         “I do not need to move to kill you.” Jae whispered.

         “Oh, I’m sure.” Jae suddenly realized it was a woman’s voice. He eyed a tree nearby covered in snow and he started screaming.

         “Hey, what are you doing?” the man attempted to yell over him, “NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU OUT HERE.”

         He stopped screaming. “That wasn’t really what I was trying to do.”

         There was a faint creaking noise followed by a large “WHOMP!” Jae felt the hand suddenly release from his neck.

         “I hope that snow isn’t too heavy,” Jae said as he turned to see an arm and head sticking out of a large mound of snow.

         “You are a bastard, you know that?” She sneered.

         Jae reached down to shake her hand.

         “Hi, my name is Jae. Why are you trying to kill me?”

         The woman stared intently at Jae. Her eyes were hollow.

         “Alright, I’ll  get going then,” Jae said casually as he turned around to start walking again.

         “NO! No, please, don’t leave me here!”

         “Why shouldn’t I? You tried to kill me. Might as well return the favor.”

         “I- I thought you were from that damn army.”

         “So what if I am?”

         “So what? They’ve – they...” She was shivering so hard, her eyes were shaking. “They’ve been trying to force me off my hand for years. They say they need it for training bu- but...”

         “It’s okay. It’d okay. I’m not in the army. I’ll let you out,  promise not to kill me.”

         Jae eyed her, slowly making circles around the mound. He laughed a little.

         “I- I prom-m-mise...  ge-e-et me out-t of here be-before—“

         “Okay, okay. One second.”

         Jae stood in one place facing the woman and closed his eyes. He slowly walked towards the snow mound. His eyes quickly flicked open, slamming his foot on the snow. A shockwave blasted towards the snow, flinging it off the woman’s body.

         Jae quickly recomposed himself and walked towards her, offering his hand. The woman looked at him, eyeing him like a piece of meat.

         “I’m Laura,” she said, grabbing his hand.

         “Nice to meet you, Laura.” Jae lifted her up. “So, where do you live? I could certainly use a good meal for an apology.”

         Laura laughed. “Alright, come with me. It’s this way.” She grabbed his hand and started leading him off the path into the forest.

         The forest at this altitude was not  thick, mostly composed of a few large trees scattered a few tens of feet away from each other. The snow was knee thick, but Laura was skipping through it like it was solid ground. Jae, attempting to emulate Laura’s nimble prancing, saw a house a bit off in the distance with the snow cleared around it, making it stick out even more. It was a while before they reached it.

         “So, Jae, why are you way up here? You were walking the path away from Sirmana.”

         “I am walking to the space-tram station. I  refused admittance into the Army.”

         Laura suddenly stopped, “You what?”

         “Refused ad—“

         “I goddamn heard you. Do you know—“

         “—what I’ve done? Yeah, my teacher said the same thing.”

         Laura  stared at him. Her empty blue eyes slightly glazed over with tears.

         “Have you seen your family yet?

         “N-no, that’s why I am going to the Tram.”

         “You poor kid... you-you don’t understand.”

         “Okay, I’ve had enough. What do all of you know that I don’t ‘understand?’ Huh?”

         “You have to find out for yourself, Jae.”

         She grabbed his hand again and kept strolling through the snow.

         “So why do you live way up here?”

         “My husband bought the land and built on it about 20 years ago. He liked the year-round cold. The army was small, then. They never bothered us. Now, they won’t stop pestering me. Especially after my husband died.”

         “So... You’re single?”

         She turned and slapped him.

         “No-no, not what I meant! Ha ha! I meant you’re alone?”

         “I am, yeah,” she said,  quietly, eyeing her foot in the snow.

         “We’re here!” Jae celebrated, excited at getting inside out of the snow.

         Jae looked up at the large blue house. “All alone in here? Must be lonely.”

         Looking up as well, Laura stood next to Jae. “It is but I have the ghosts to keep me company.”

         “The what?”

         “Figure of speech. Now, c'mon and get inside. I'll make you something to eat and then you can go on your way.”

         Although the house was simple, it was also absolutely gorgeous. It was similar to houses built on Earth that Jae only saw in books. It was a Colonial style house,  old fashioned. Not something Jae was used to seeing. The bright blue siding and the tin white roof was extremely striking. It was two stories tall, with a facade of white framed windows.

         “Nice house you've got, Laura. Your husband did a great job.”

         Laura  nodded and walked through into the entrance with Jae following.

         The inside of the house was  as beautiful as the outside, although not  well kept. There were knick-knacks everywhere all covered in dust. As Jae walked inside he looked around at the rooms. The kitchen was to the left, a large room with a couch and some chairs was directly in front of him, and to the left looked like a study with a large wooden desk and an older computer. He removed his coat and hung it up on the hanger nearby and followed Laura into the kitchen.

         “Unfortunately, I am a bit low on food but I'll make what I can. I think I have some rice and maybe some meat, although I have no idea what kind of meat. Chicken maybe? I guess we'll find out.”

         She quickly got busy in the kitchen as Jae made himself comfortable at the kitchen table, a nice and large oak table. Jae noticed that there was a high-chair nearby. She doesn't look old enough for children, though... Jae thought.

         “Don't mind me asking but how old are you exactly?”

         “Thirty-Eight, Thirty-Nine next week in fact.”

         That's quite a bit older then Jae expected, she looked twenty-four at most.

         Setting a pot under a stream of water in the sink, Laura turned on the stove and set the pot full of water on the stove. Sighing, she sat down opposite of Jae putting her face in her hands. Her breath could be seen leaking from in between her fingers.

         “Do you have any firewood or something? It’s freezing in here.”

         “Uh, umm...” She lifted her face from her hands. “No, I was actually out in the forest earlier so I could get some. I forgot when you showed up.”

         “Okay, well, I’ll go get some. I’ll be back,” He said as he stood up and walked towards the front door. Laura lifted her head higher.

         “Jae, how long has it been since you’ve seen your family?”

         “Four years or so.”

         ‘That’s a long time.”

         “Yeah... yeah it is,” He whispered as he walked out the front door.

         Laura's house was cold, but walking out into the frozen tundra of the forest hit Jae in the face like a two ton boulder. He buttoned up his overcoat and bundled up his arms, doing the best he could to warm himself up. The snow was still deep, getting deeper, and he had a difficult time wading through it.

         As Jae shoveled through the snow, he couldn't help but think about Laura. He thought of her as a puzzle he couldn't quite put together. It felt like there were twenty pieces to the puzzle and none of them fit together. The main one digging into his mind was the high-chair at the table with the distinct lack of a child. She also seemed to know more about the Army than most civilians do.

         Jae decided when he gets back, he'll ask her about her kid. He was curious and his curiosity usually overrode his sense of humility. But he needed to get more information out of her, especially whatever she seemed to know about his family.

         The anticipation of seeing his family was almost as overwhelming as his curiosity. Walking though the cold forest, he could see his sister's eyes, filled with tears from the last time he saw her. Her big, burning green eyes told him he was doing the right thing going home. A fierce glimmer shimmered through Jae's eyes as he felt a reassuring feeling of comfort from the warmness of his family memories. He was going home.

         But first he had to finish getting firewood and he had lost himself in thought. “Good God, it's cold.” he thought outloud. He belt over and lifted a frozen piece of snow from the cold.



---



         He knocked on the door to the house.

         “HELLO! LAURA?!” He yelled with no response. He'd been standing outside the house for a few minutes knocking, his left arm cradling a large bundle of wood.

         “Hello?!” Well, he was sick of waiting so he lifted his leg and busted down the locked door.

         The door flung open, releasing the wonderful smell of food to attack Jae's nose. He ran inside, dropping the wood on the ground. He looked right to the study: Empty. He looked into the great room straight ahead: Empty. And finally into the kitchen: Empty except for one thing.

         At the spot where Jae was sitting was a plate of rice and chicken. A bottle of wine was sitting next to it with a wine class. Jae saw his worried expression in the crystal.

         Laura was nowhere to be found. The kitchen was spotless except for a single yellow piece of paper. Jae walked over to the paper and read the note on it, written in a curly beautiful script:

“See ya, Jae. Enjoy the meal. Get drunk for me.”



Chapter 2__________

Lauretta's Brush



“Kid, get your face off the window!” The gallery owner's face was almost red. Jeremy had been paying no attention to him as he yelled at him from his counter through the glass. Displayed right there in that window was one of Jeremy's own pieces. He couldn't read the price from here, but he could tell it was some obscene number.

         “Okay, kid. You like that artwork as much as the next person but unless you intend on buying, which I am sure you are not, will you get your goddamn face off my goddamn window!”

         Jeremy saw the condensation from his nose gradually dissipate as he removed his goddamn face from the goddamn window.

         “Now get going kid!” the shop owner yelled, punting Jeremy into the street.

         Despite the cars swerving and honking around him, Jeremy was in awe. There , in that window, was his artwork for an exorbitant amount of money. Perhaps it's his own fault for not signing anything but he liked it that way. He didn't paint for money, only to make people happy. And, besides, he liked living on the streets. To him, Harrisburg was his home and he wouldn't live in a box in his own home.

         Another car almost hit him, “Yo, get out of the street! Are you crazy?”

         So many people yelling at him today. He stood up and walked back to the sidewalk. Back at the window was his pack, an extremely cumbersome hiking backpack full of clothes, cans of food, and random art supplies. As he picked it up, he saw the gallery owner glaring at him through the window slowly lower hand hand under the counter. It looked something like a bat and with that, it was time to leave.

         Jeremy slung the pack over his shoulder and strolled towards his destination. Walking through the droves of faceless people, he did his best to lose his own face. It wasn't exactly easy being over six feet tall but he certainly tried his best, but he felt eyes on his face either way. Being tall did help him snake through crowds, though.

         Ahead he saw his destination: the art store. “LAURETTA'S BRUSH” the sign said in large, bold, Romanesque letters. If Jeremy did have a house in Harrisburg, this was it. The building, being a remnant from the city's “Future Living” initiative was high tech but extremely broken. The door was meant to slide open like a window but that stopped working long ago. Instead it had to be lifted open from the ground up. It made a god-awful, high-pitched squealing noise as Jeremy shoved it up. It wasn't exactly the most ideal place for an art-shop, but it was one of the favorites in Harrisburg so people kept coming.

         Slowly walking inside, his pack made a distinctive sound.

         “Blue-eyes! Is that you?” A voice exclaimed from a storeroom behind the counter.

         “Lauretta, I told you to stop calling me that,” Jeremy said, blushing.

         Lauretta walked from the back with a large white bag in her hand. “I have your supplies right here, Blue-Eyes.”

         Jeremy smiled and walked to the young woman. Lauretta was a little bit older then Jeremy, around 20 years old. Her mother had passed the art store to her when she died a few years ago. Lauretta had changed the name but the place had been the same for years. She was tall, although not as tall as Jeremy, with long black hair and shining green eyes. Her voice, like her eyes, was shiny.

         Jeremy was never quite sure what to say around Lauretta but she generally took care of the talking herself. He was never one for words anyway.

         “Here you go, Jeremy,” she said, handing him the bag of art supplies. Jeremy stood staring at the bag for a few seconds before reaching down and taking the bag.

         “Thanks, Lauretta,” he murmured. He set his pack down on the ground along with the bag. Slowly unzipping the bag, he removed a few articles from the pack.

         “Man, you have a lot of stuff in there,” Lauretta observed, “You still have that painting of your parents?”

         Jeremy nodded without looking at her, pulling the painting out of the pack. “First painting I ever made.”

         “It's beautiful, Jeremy, although it makes me really sad just looking at it. Their eyes look empty.”

         “They are.”

         Jeremy took some of the supplies out the white bag, breathing deeply to keep from breaking down in front of Lauretta. He never looked at the painting of his parents unless he needed a reminder of why he painted. Otherwise, it stayed in his pack covered with a few plastic bags and some bubble wrap to keep it safe. It was his first painting and only painting he made for himself. Only thing that was more important to him was Lauretta.

         “Are you okay, Blue Eyes?” Lauretta asked, setting her hand on Jeremy's shoulder.

         “Y-yeah, yeah. I'm just fine,” he stuttered, standing up and turning towards Lauretta. He smiled looking at her vivid eyes.

         “Well, no need to open old wounds! Hey! I got an idea, lets go get some food or something. It can't be anything fancy, but I haven't eaten since breakfast so I'm starving. I don't know about you.”

         Jeremy was starving.          “I don't have any money though.” He said, his eyes shifting left, looking at nothing in particular except for his lost dignity.

         “That's fine, Blue Eyes, I'll pay,” she said, smiling kindly. Another shiver went down Jeremy's spine. “C'mon Tall n' Blue.”

         Jeremy zipped his pack and hauled it over his shoulders. Within this time, Lauretta was already at the door getting ready to lock it.

         “This damn thing. It's supposed to automatically lock when I leave. It stopped working yesterday afternoon. I swear, I am going to get this piece of junk replaced some day,” she fumed, kicking the squeaky door.

         Jeremy played limbo getting outside because the door had gotten stuck sliding up. He could've sworn Lauretta's arteries were going to burst as tried to push the door back down. Instead of the door sliding down, Lauretta was lifting off the ground.

         “Jeremy... a little... help here...” She gasped.

         Jolted awake, he rushed to the door, putting both his hands on the bottom of the door. With all his weight and Lauretta's the door squealed to life, slowly inching down. Finally, with more work then either Lauretta or Jeremy would be willing to admit, the door reached the ground. Jeremy celebrated while Lauretta spewed out profanities at the door that was the bane of her existence.

         “Alright, Blue Eyes, lets get going.”

         “Shouldn't we lock it?”

         “Are you kidding? Getting that door open is more work than any robber would be willing to do to rob an art supply store. Either way, as I said, the lock is broken and there's no other way to lock it. Gotta love 'future' technology.” She said, rolling her eyes.

         She raised her arm and attempted to put it around Jeremy's shoulders but couldn't quite make it. Eventually she gave up and put it around his waist. “Maybe I should start calling you too-tall instead.”

         “Oh please don't,” he said, laughing.

         “You know that just makes me want to do it more,” she said, squeezing his side with her thin hand. Another shiver went up Jeremy's spine.

         They strolled down the sidewalk, a sad little sidewalk that seemed like the city planners couldn't decide if it was going to be cement, metal, or brick because it changed every quarter of a mine. Despite Harrisburg's worse-for-wear look, it was a nice city.

         “So Blue Eyes, have you ever been to the Chinese side of Harrisburg?”

         “A few times, yeah.”

         “I've heard that it's the most beautiful city on The States.”

         “Pretty, yeah. Not very homeless friendly, though.”

         “Well, it has been around the longest. When did The States get made again? 2122? Haha, you remember New Years Eve 2221?”

         Jeremy remembered New Years Eve 2221 quite well. His eyes lowered as he thought of the day. He could see his parents, the empty look in their eyes. A look of desperation, a look of lost hope. Those eyes slowly closed and turned around, leaving Jeremy staring at a dark alley veiled by a void left by his parents.

         “Y-yeah, I remember. Everyone thought 2222 was going to be the end of the universe or something.”

         “Gotta love the crazy people, huh?” She said, squeezing his side again.

         “Gotta love the crazy people,” he agreed, “So, umm, Lauretta, do you even know where we are going?”

         Lauretta stopped, leaving Jeremy walking. “Oh, yeah. I forgot to consider that. How about there?” She asked, pointing at a seedy looking Chinese restaurant.

         “You think I care?” Jeremy said, laughing.

         “I know you're homeless, but I also know you're not without taste.” She said, shoving him on the shoulder. Her long black hair swung gracefully with the force of her shove.

         “I hope you're kidding. Anything would taste good right now.” He wasn't lying either.

         “Well, creepy Chinese restaurant it is!” She said, skipping across the empty road. Jeremy followed close behind.

         They reached the door which was painted in a pealing red paint with a golden Chinese dragon stenciled on top. Lauretta opened the door and stepped inside, grabbing Jeremy's hand forcing him to follow.

         “Welcome!” A slim young man greeted them as they entered. He quickly handed them some menus and before either could say anything, they were seated at an enormous table facing the window looking outside.

         “Umm, thanks?” Lauretta said to the young man. He nodded and skittered away. “Well, I think I already love this place.” She said, giggling.

         Out of no where, another young man showed up wearing a red changshan and a piece of digital paper in his hand. “So what can I get you two?” He said, smiling like they were the first customers in years. They probably were, judging from the outside.

         “Umm, well, we haven't even had time to look at the menu. We could use some drinks though. Have any Huangjui?”

         “We do! I'll have two glasses immediately!” And with that, he was gone.

         “Well, okay,” she said, following the waiter with her eyes, “So, what do you want?”

         “I... don't know. This whole menu is in Chinese,” he said, staring blankly at the menu.

         Laughing, she grabbed the menu from his hands. “Well, I can read it just fine. I'll pick first.”

         Jeremy chuckled and looked out the window as she browsed the menu. Looking outside, he saw a tall man walk out of the alley between to short steel buildings. He looked nervous and disheveled. Something looked familiar to Jeremy. Suddenly his and Jeremy's eyes met. Jeremy knew those empty eyes immediately.

         “Lauretta?” He said quickly, nudging her with his elbow, “Lauretta!” He spoke louder.

         “What is it, Blue Eyes?” She said, glancing up from the menu.

         “It's... it's my dad!”

         “What?” She said, quickly dropping the menu to look outside. Jeremy quickly pushed back his chair and scattered towards the door. His dad was already walking down the road.