Ellis discovers herself

Ellis discovers herself

Ellis woke feeling cold and tired. The black sleep that had encircled her had done nothing to ease the ache behind her eyes and shift the fatigue that seeped through her limbs. She sat up slowly, gingerly; trying to ignore the positive symptoms of hangover she was experiencing. The half empty bottle of vodka sat on the bedside table accusingly. The light from the glass lamp shot through the glass, making its contents shimmer with silver and white.
         
There was an unfamiliar weight in the bed next to her. Ellis looked down at the young man who lay sprawled on his front. He was young, barely twenty-five years old. His bonnie face was smothered by the crook of his arm and buried in the plump cushions, so that Ellis could only see his head of ebony black curls. She ran her fingers through them, savouring the silken feel of his locks in her grip. They came to a curling stop just at the back of his neck, giving way to broad and muscular shoulders, tanned the colour of warm caramel. She marvelled at such slender purity, but also admired the staunch strength that surged across his young body. His back was long and straight, wide shoulders tapering to a slender waist and meeting with the starched white of the bedspread.
         
Ellis ran a pale hand up one arm and let it come to rest on her shoulder. There were muscles there, she thought, but hers had come from years of hard work in the gym and constant monitoring of her weight. Time was when she hadn’t bothered. There would be days when she would lie on the sofa and ignore the rest of the world. But those days were long past. She no longer suffered the embarrassment of showing up at the prom without a date, of wearing clothes with the labels cut off, she had gotten rid of that other person long ago.
         
Her life now was settled, routine and there was nothing that could surprise her. That was the way she liked it. She lived in her flashy new home overlooking the river. She ran every morning before coming home to a power meal of ryvita and bananas with some seriously strong coffee. Then it was off to work, in her smart suit, with the black leather briefcase and silver BMW. She would go to sleep in her light and airy bedroom after spending the evening in the cocktail bar with friends. And then the whole routine would start over again. This was when she discovered where she was.
         
The walls of this room were blue, deep and watery like the ocean. The heavy sapphire curtains struggled to keep out the bursting sunlight and allowed a few stray beams to dance across the polished dark wood floorboards. This was not her room. It had no light, no organisation. Opposite the large bed was a desk, covered with scraps of paper, folders, files and open books. It was a student’s room, a boy’s room. Crumpled jeans lay on the floor, along with a couple of worn t-shirts and a pair of Calvin Klein boxer shorts. She had never allowed dirty laundry on the floor of her own room. Jamie knew that each night the laundry went into the laundry shoot to be picked up in the morning. That was the way Ellis had ruled their home since their wedding day, twelve years ago. The girls were the same. Chloe was ten, and already knew the concepts of organisation and time keeping. Gemma was six and fast following in her sister’s footsteps.
         
Ellis shuddered quite suddenly. She thought of her daughters, cuddled up in their beds. It was Saturday today, soon their daddy would wake them up with a cup of cocoa in bed and then whisk them away to the park for a morning feeding the ducks and flying the kite. Ellis smiled as she thought of Chloe’s pink wellies and Gemma’s yellow coat. After that they would go out to the cinema and then go to Pizza Hut for their special treat. It made Ellis grimace to think that even quality time with the kids was scheduled and timetabled. She longed to break free of the monotony of her life with Jamie and the girls. He wasn’t a bad husband, he never had been. Family came first and foremost on his agenda. But that was it. Ellis had long since said good-bye to nights out with the girls past a few drinks in the local cocktail lounge. She went on holiday to Disney Land instead of the Caribbean. She had business lunches instead of picnics in the park. Where relaxation should come before family it didn’t, and where family was supposed to come before work, another meeting would crop up. But Jamie never complained. He just kissed his wife’s cheek and told her not to worry. It drove her crazy. The bottle of vodka was accusing, she felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. She hadn’t drunk that since she was a teenager. It was a long way from cocktails and martinis.
         
The previous night she had been in high hopes of a quiet night in with a good bottle of wine. Even that was beyond her grasp. She had wandered down the alcohol aisle, concentrating on the meeting she had left. Notes and figures flew about in her head; her boss’s voice was nagging. There were several piles of mail that needed sorting and read. Further meetings had to be organised, interviews arranged, letters sent. Her suit needed pressed for Monday, she could do that tomorrow. For now there was wine to be chosen. Labels lined the neatly stacked shelves row upon row. Ellis admired the organisation of colour, country or origin and taste. How thoughtful. She picked up a bottle of her favourite house red and placed it in the basket along with the bar of Green and Blacks.  She turned to go and glanced fleetingly at the special offer, Alco pops, she thought and shook her head. The next time she turned, she almost collided with another young woman.
  “Sorry,” She muttered, and realise that the young woman she had thought a stranger was actually someone she had known very well over the years.
  “What are you doing here?” Kayla asked.
  “I could ask you the same thing,” Ellis had replied, a slow grin playing out from her mouth corners.
  “I came home for a visit,” Kayla smiled.
  “How is life in the States treating you?” Ellis asked, looking at the contents of Kayla’s basket. Hers was filled with fizzy juice and crisps. There were several ready meals and two large bars of chocolate. She sighed inwardly as she counted up the number of calories in each item.
  “A lot better than life here’s treating you.” Kayla made a point of gesturing to the bottle of expensive wine and then scrutinising her athletic figure. Where Kayla had grown softly curved and feminine in later life, Ellis had grown toned and muscular.
  Ellis managed a tight-lipped reply before relaxing in the presence of her old friend’s good humour. The two women stood for almost an hour, chatting and catching up, before Kayla suggested they go out for a drink. Ellis had phoned Jamie and told him she would be late, not that she would be staying out the whole night.
         
Ellis frowned as she looked about the room once more. The wardrobe door stood open. She couldn’t see any clothes hanging inside; instead they lay in a pile on the bottom of the cupboard. Now she saw a large picture of an obscenely dressed glamour model, stretching over a car bonnet, and was intrigued by the taught youth visible in the girl’s face. A glance in the mirror showed no such similar sight. Ellis’ pale grey eyes were large and clear, with hints of smile lines creasing their corners. Her skin looked washed out and tired against the dark hues of the room, and she felt bare with no outer covering of make up. With Jamie they had grown used to each other. Even though she didn’t like it, she was comfortable to where baggy clothes and no make up when they were at home. Since they were married it hadn’t been necessary to impress other men in that way. She had never felt the need to.

The young man next to her was young, more than ten years her junior. But where she should have been feeling fulfilment, she struggled to pick it out of the scramble of clothing on the floor and the messy untidiness of the bureau. The glamour posters on the wall made her cringe, how could she compete with the peroxide blonds, the breast implants, when it took her all her energy and will power to obtain the body she had, those pouts and bodies came naturally to young, fit girls. As she searched for some form of maturity, an intelligent novel, a suit, an ironing pile; all she could see was a boy’s bedroom.

The last thought made her shudder. She glanced longingly at the graceful back of her lover. He had been drunk, so had she. But their feelings were clear. They burned bright like the white-hot flame of a candle. Still, Ellis could not focus her heart on this man and she knew that his heart was not yet ready to be focused. He would go on without her much as she would without him. But she would never manage without the loving arms of her husband and the playful smiles of her girls. Life would advance for him soon enough, when he would marry, and have children of his own. He didn’t need the complication of her life to interfere with the freedom of his. The flame would be extinguished by the realisation and sober embarrassment. She slipped out of the bed and gathered her clothes.

Life for Ellis was comfortable as a stream of scheduled days and timetabled meals, planned days out and polite conversation across the dinner table. She had had those mad teenage years, impressing boys and rummaging through a messy room. She had enjoyed the not knowing, the hope brought by each new day. But now it was time to pass that hope on to her children, and be there to watch them learn and grow. 

She left the room where she had discovered herself and went home to her husband and children, already planning in her mind the day ahead of them…