What is WITH me?!

[sigh] Well here we are again. Me and myself, sitting here thinking about woulda coulda beens. [scoff] Life is a bitch. Yup.... then you die. Alright, come on... you know it's not that bad. It could be worse. You're not with that asshole of a husband anymore... even though (shush don't tell anyone)... sometimes you think it would be better to be. Think THINK about what he did to you. The constant demeaning, the abuse, mentally, emotionally and physically... thank God your friends helped you pull out of that situation.

Friends...... with benefits? Friends that like you as more than friends, but were all too gallant to do anything with you when you were still with your husband. Really? ALL of them? I don't honestly see the appeal...

Go figure, the one friend I'd like to be more than friends with (and who feels the same way) there's just NO spark. Strange thing is... feels like there should be ya know? Like there could be, but I don't want to try too hard and lose everything. Do that, could lose the most awesome friend I've had in a LONG time. Great guy. Gentleman. We are to quote Sleepless in Seattle MFEO... but if we are... then WHY is there nothing there? so frustrating.

Ever been with a guy who makes you feel so comfortable around yourself that you realize you are more YOU around him than you are around anyone else? All the stupid idiotic things that make you YOU... he accepts and even, God help him, LIKES that stuff about you. All the dirty secrets that you're sure will drive any sane man away he just digests quietly and offers hugs and consolation.

What is love anyway? Can you love someone and not want to sleep with them? Cuddle, yes, kiss... maybe... more than that it feels like the boundaries that hold the relationship into friendship may be broken... we all know that EVENTUALLY sex complicates EVERYTHING.

And we're both in the same both here. We both want us to work... but what if it doesn't? Will it break this awesome crazy relationship we have? I find myself looking at him going... don't mess this up. Don't try to force things, and for God's sake don't fall for him. I think I could. Easily I think I could, and still not have to or particularly want to sleep with him. Weird messed up me. I blame my ex-husband for some of that though. When your first ever relationship turns into what mine did, no wonder I'm not ready to leap into the next one.

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So it's been awhile.... and I'm still confused, but I'm happy. I still get cuddles at night (most nights anyway) and hugs and smiles and laughs and friendship, but we did IT. You know [whispers]....sex. It was good. We both needed to him I think more than me... but we're both kinda acting like it didn't happen, because we're both afraid that if we dwell on it it could mess up the friendship.

sigh... more later