Amourous Impossibilities

Amorous Impossibilities





I stepped out onto the pavement enervated, my hands shaking and heartbeat pulsating to more of a frightful tremor than a beat. My eyes pointed straight ahead focused on nothing in particular. Slowly my legs willed the energy to take small steps. I heard a roaring thunder above my head followed by raindrops splattering against the ground. I could feel the water soaking in to my hair and clothes. Still I roamed aimlessly down the street wallowing in despair. Thoughts of them pushed their way into my mind as a sauntered through a puddle of rising water collecting over the sidewalk, as if it were there to be a metaphor for my life.

I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed as fatigue and desperation took over me. I had to choose between two men who both sincerely confessed love for me. How would I ever be able to decide which I loved more when I loved neither. I started to believe I had a sad curse of being incapable of loving. After many failed relationships and then stumbling upon two almost perfect men I still couldn’t say that I had found the person whom I could not live without. I never shuttered from a touch, my heart never melted at the sight of someone and I never felt sparks from a kiss. Will I learn to hope myself into having passionate feelings or am I destined to live a life detached from fervor?

Perhaps I will be that old cliché of the old lady living in solitude with nothing but her cats. My cheeks softened and a smile crept across my face as I stood in front of my favorite donut shop. I recalled a day when they were out of crème-filled chocolate donuts. They are Chris and mines favorite and I had a fit when they told me they had sold the last one only minutes before I arrived. Chris called the manager from the back and asked if he could make more but since they were about to close shop the manager declined. After offering the man a hundred dollar tip to stay later and make us two chocolate crème-filled donuts the manager agreed. When I took a bite the cream felt a little warm against my tongue but it was so good I didn’t stop until I had devoured the last bite. The rain trickled down the window and I thought how much of a brat those donut shop employees probably thought I was to have let someone pay a hundred dollars for two donuts when we could have easily drove across town to another donut shop and found some.

I continued walking. The rain started to ease up but I was still shrouded with my own perplexed clouds. My legs were starting to feel like dough yet I kept going until I came upon Josh’s apartment complex. I looked up and became overtaken with passion and excitement as I remembered the time when it was storming outside and I jokingly suggested that we go out and have sex in the rain. I went to get a drink from the kitchen and when I returned he was naked on the fire escape motioning for me to join him. I tried to back away uncertain of the outcome but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pulled me to him kissing me passionately while undressing me as the rain drops helped caress my body. I’ll probably never again have such a sensual experience. Nothing can match the intensity I felt that night, caught between the roaring sky and his thundering heart.

Curled up on my futon, sheets drenched from my sweat, my thoughts taunted me with romantic voices, handsome images, soft caresses, gentle nudges and sweet kisses. I went from having no love at all to being overwhelmed by two equivocally strong ones. It was hard to be open to love. What about all the lies, insecurities, inadequacies? Letting someone in and totally trusting them seemed almost impossible. Two men competing to win an emotional wreck was insane. During the day I seemed like I had it all together and at night I sat secluded in my dark apartment fighting the demons of uncertainty and unworthiness.

Never would I have thought it would be this hard. In every other aspect of my life I was always on top. In school I was always the top student I knew exactly what it took to pass a test. At work I always knew the correct technique needed to draw in more clients but in my love life I had no idea what to choose that would ensure my eternal happiness. I’d dated plenty of men before but none had ever grasped my attention like the two before me.

My mind drifted back to Chris and the countless evenings on the town that he spoiled me with. Dinner at the finest restaurants, vacations to the most exclusive resorts staying in the most expensive hotels and all of the expensive shopping sprees. There was nothing I could not have if I wanted it. He was a charming opportunist and a handsome gentleman. Whether it was dinner in bed or purchasing a new diamond necklace, he did it with style. Nothing was ever lacking, nothing too much. He put great thought into everything he did and the surprises were always greater than the last. A life with him would warrant me any and every material possession I desired. However, was Chris stimulating enough to keep my attention? He never amused me with corny one-liners or cooked me breakfast in the rainforest. Could I live a life with no thrill seeking escapades?

And then, there was Josh, so unpredictable and adventurous. Every moment with him was exciting and eventful. He always had me on edge wondering what’s next. He told painfully funny jokes that often caused pinched sides from laughing uncontrollably. I loved the way his eyebrows hopped up and down as he laughed at his own jokes as if he was hearing them for the first time. He helped me overcome my fears of being bold and daring. I’d experienced the intense thrills of soaring through the air like and eagle while skydiving and floating through smooth rapids while taking in the beautiful scenery when we were white water rafting. He brought out a side of me that I didn’t know existed. I had become a venturous risk taker. Only I didn’t know if that were enough to make me love him forever. I wasn’t sure if I could choose fun and adventure over a luxurious lifestyle.

Perhaps I was unable to love. Maybe infatuation was all I could bear. Was it that I was too spoiled or too needy? There had to be some reason that my heart repelled any craving I had for devotion. Going back and forth between reality and insanity I had to find a median where I felt whole. I had to go back to spirituality.

I came to the conclusion that I should be less concerned with what the men were lacking and more so with what prohibited me from falling in love. Something had gone wrong with my approach toward sensuality. I had to know and understand myself before I could discover anyone else. I could not pick the correct suitor because I had not met him yet. As wonderful as both men were to me neither of them were the man that the heavens had picked out for me. I was not unable to emotionally attach myself. This I was reassured while in my somber mood locked away trying to make the correct choice. Though I had great feelings for both of them it wasn’t love because I wasn’t meant to love them. I had yet to meet the man that could sneak up and successfully attack my heart. Until that time I had to sever the ties with both men so that I was completely available for the one that was meant for me. He was still out there somewhere waiting for me to become single so that he could ride in and enhance my life with an abundance of love, loyalty and devotion. Chris and Josh both gave much to the person that I am now. They taught me courage, kindness endurance and wit. So when the right one comes along I will be open and receptive and in the matters of the heart, nothing will be impossible.