Falstaff The Celebrity

Introduction and Note To readers



Hello, my wonderful paparazzi. Lately you have been asking me a lot of questions about my early days. I didn’t know what the heck to do so I thought I would go and ask Brittney Spears; but then I thought a little more and decided she would go and tell me to shave my head. Since I am already going bald, I decided to see what my trusty old mama would say. Ma suggested I write a book, sell it, get even more rich, buy her a hot tub, decent life insurance, and I whole bunch of other crap old people need. So I decided I would try to write a book with things from the past to today. I would like you to look again it says TRY people it doesn’t mean this is going to be the best book in the world but, I am sure as heck going to try.



Here We Go………









Ma and Pa….

My mama’s name is Elizabeth, named after the queen herself. She is a stern woman who always had the last word a big girl at six foot three, two hundred ninety two pounds. You did not want to meet her in a dark alley- trust me. She was a stay at home mom although what woman wasn’t in those days. Ma was drop dead gorgeous, but not that much of a lady. She had her good days and bad ones but she was a good mom all and all.

Papa, now he was a character, the wittiest man I have known in all my days. His goal was always to get people to laugh he even got ma to laugh till she cried. He was also about the smallest man anyone had ever seen. He was only five foot two, one hundred twenty six pounds. Some people think he is a dwarf or (funnier still) a child!!!! He was a fine cook better than mom by far, he could make anything. He was also the first man to enter a cooking contest; he beat all the women and became the original iron chef. When it came to adults our house was one of the strangest instead of mommy being a sweet dainty woman she could take out anyone you put her in the ring with. Our father also was different instead of being a rough and tumble kind of guy he was the Emeril Lagassi of the fifteen hundreds and proud of it. Most people called us the opposites, but they had no idea how strange we were.



School Days….

Boy did I hate school, I hated every second of it (except fourth and fifth grades because an old and wrinkly teacher named Mrs. Hunter who you probably do not need to know about). I Never learned to like school stubborn as a bull is what they used to say (MOM is to blame for that). I got okay, Bs and Cs with your occasional D or the big F. Ma would slap me hard if I got an F she was nicer when it came to Ds but it still hurt (a lot). I got made fun of constantly at school although I could not blame them; I was short for my age and highly overweight. I never fit in with any “crews” except one day when I discovered the nerds. I never considered my self as a nerd because I wasn’t the brightest bulb on the chandelier, the sharpest knife in drawer, etcetera, etcetera. The only school I liked was acting school witch is where I met Shakespeare himself, more about him later. Acting was and still is to this day my one and only true passion. I fit in there and didn’t get made fun of I did not have to worry about cliques or grades or even my astounding weight. The stage was where I belonged where I was supposed to be whether people liked it or not. I was a good actor from the start being able to turn into my character in a split second feeling the character’s feeling and being able to show that through my talent. Acting class was my heaven on earth and the start of my career.



My Character….

Shakespeare was a legend. He could bring any story to life in one of his breath taking plays. When he asked me to be in one of course I said yes. He had a series I always called the Henrys and I was to be in Henry the IV Part Two. I was to be a witty knight who was not too bright and new nothing at all about being a knight. Sounds a lot like me right. Well the characters’ name was Falstaff and I was sooooooo excited.

It was such a long play that it had to be divided into three parts. And luckily I was in all three parts!!!!! Any young actors dream. The only problem is that I had to memorize three different scripts and as you all now know memory is not my best subject. But Shakespeare had faith in me and I could let the legend down. On the day of the play I had all but one page memorized correctly. How I ended up saying all lines right I don’t know myself but I think it had something to do with adrenalin, three cups of coffee and, a pen to my skin. J



I Became Famous…….

The play went well and after it I started a real acting career. The more plays I did the more famous I became. Finally I retired and am living comfortably in a nice house remembering the old days and eating a donut.





MUCH LOVE FALSTAFF