Divorce - The Logical Choice?

Let me say from the outset that I'm the survivor of a divorce that I instigated. I have read so many articles and books from the wronged party's point of view. But the other instigators of divorce are either too embarrassed to speak up, too busy getting on with their life, not willing to look at the trauma that their actions caused, or no one else is willing to print their opinion. Or should I say excuses.

I have all sorts of excuses, myself. I have explained my actions to huge numbers of people, and gotten plenty of forgiveness and pity from my friends in the Christian community. And I had some legitimate reasons for my leaving. But after seven years of being divorced, I've had the time to slow down and look at my life, my decisions, and my future. This is a documentation of what I have learned.

I haven't written this as a way of atoning for what I have done. I didn't write this to make a career as a writer, although as a mother of four children, any money would be most welcome. This is a warning to all the hurting people out there, including my own best friend, who are considering divorce as an escape from their own pain. I need to tell you what I've been through, so that you'll at least have the other side of the equation.

If you've heard from the people with "perfect" marriages who tell you that you must stay, because it's God's will, and God hates divorce. And you just feel like shaking them and screaming in their pious faces, "But you don't understand what I've been through!"

Or if you've heard from the divorced people who tell you that they are so much happier and that God's grace covers all our sins, and after all, would God want you to live in a miserable relationship?

No matter what anyone else has told you, I'll tell you the absolute, unvarnished, previously untold truth from my rather cynical point of view. Well, let's say my wildly cynical point of view.

If you don't get any further because you're busy, you don't like my writing style or whatever, I'll tell you straight out.

It doesn't get any better.

If you're miserable with your present mate because he's a moron, he's a non-Christian, he's insensitive, you've never really loved him, you are in love with someone else (present or past) etcetera, etcetera. I will tell you straight out:

It doesn't get any better.

If you're unhappy, it's your choice, baby. If your husband pushes you around, doesn't listen, won't read the marriage books you bring home, won't go to counseling, is a boor, a brute or a total, insensitive lout, I'll let you in on a little secret. He's a man. They don't think like us. They don't have the same needs. They don't have the same goals. Get over it! And more important, the next one will be the same in the long run.

After you go through a divorce and you begin a new relationship, whether you have a catalyst affair that gives you the guts to leave, or whether you end up finding a relationship somewhere down the road, everything can seem so exciting and right. Maybe you'll have found a "sensitive male". But let me tell you from experience that after the honeymoon is over, your sensitive male will still be male. He still won't do what you want. And after discussing this with a good friend of mine, who is a sensitive male, and watching my sister who is married to one, and after now being involved with one myself, I've found out something about sensitive males. They can be so sensitive about your feelings when someone else hurts you. And they can be so supportive when you want to do something with your life. Unless it affects his life. Or unless he's the one who hurts you. Then it's amazing how insensitive he can be. Totally clueless. Just like your husband (or ex-husband). Whooda thunk?

Now, let me clarify one more thing. I am not a hater of the opposite sex, although in my disillusionment over relationships, it may sound like it. I am merely speaking with the only voice that I have- my own. But if you switch the gender in everything that I write, you'll find it to be amazing accurate from the opposite view. Because when it comes to intimate relationships, neither sex gets a trophy. And really, the problems in relationships don't come from the other person. The person we're bound to have the most trouble from is ourselves. It's not what the other person does or doesn't do. It's what our expectations are, and how we perceive that they aren't met. We set ourselves up to fall. Have you ever noticed that people that get divorced often repeat the same patterns in their next relationships? Whose fault is that?

It's really not surprising that our spouses continue to disappoint us in our relationships. With how high we set the bar, and how insistent that they meet all our needs, it is surprising that any relationship survives. Or that anyone tries to meet our expectations. Why would anyone want to work on a relationship when every effort is met with disgust at how far they have fallen short? And I am not saying that they haven't fallen way, way short of your expectations. I'm just saying that maybe our expectations are a little out of line. And most likely if someone were to ask them about you, and they were truthful, you'd find that you have fallen way, way short of their expectations, too.

When we first get into a relationship, or get married we have such high expectations. We come into it with all the experiences of our childhood family, either good or bad. We come into it with all the cultural expectations of the Disney movies and television and possibly romance novels.

If our parents had a bad marriage or a divorce, we say to ourselves, “I will never do what my parents did! My marriage will be different!" Or if our parents have this seemingly rock solid marriage we are determined to emulate it. The problem is that we didn't see the early years. We still don't see the struggles, the heartache, and the disappointments. We don’t see the hard work and sacrifice and possible apathy under the surface.

I think a big problem with marriages is that we start out with such unrealistic expectations and it doesn't take long for us to taste disappointment. And the more we are disappointed, the more we become bitter and angry. And the more bitter and angry we become the more we take it out on our spouse. We withhold our affection and approval.

Then the light in their eyes when you walk in the door fades. And as time goes on you begin to feel unloved and unappreciated. And little by little they give up trying to meet your ceaseless demands. And so the downward spiral begins.

And our spouses start out the same way. We both try so hard to build this "castle in the air", but we're starting with different blueprints. As things progress your expectations may get lower, but so do your efforts and the efforts of your spouse.

But the reason there is so much pain in the disintegration of your marriage is that you're hurting from the loss of two things: the hope of the fulfillment of your expectations, but maybe even more, the loss of that feeling of seeing your spouses' eyes light up when you come in the room. Sometimes we just give up because we can't see any chance of recovering that sense of being precious to someone. And we just can't bring ourselves to give that gift to a mate who won't or can't give it back to us.

Even if you start to wise up and realize the problem, there is so much water under the bridge, so much mutual pain and lack of trust that it begins to look as though it would be easier to take what you've learned and use it in a new relationship where there isn't the painful history and touchy areas. With a person who validates you by looking at you in that way that makes you cherished. But eventually it will fade, too.

Unless you learn that you need to go first. You need to wipe the slate clean in your relationship and learn to look at your mate the way you want to be looked at first. You don't need a new relationship to learn that. Trust me. The amount of effort you will have to put into a new relationship will make your present relationship look like a piece of cake. Because you'll also be dealing with your mixed feelings about divorce, and if you have children you have no idea how much pain you can experience in a divorce. And getting a divorce doesn't make a bad relationship go away. It just takes it to new depths of insanity. Especially with children. You'll have to put more effort into your relationship with your former spouse for your children's sake than you ever dreamed you could put into your marriage. And it will be with a person who now hates your guts for abandoning them and ruining any chance of their expectations for family to be fulfilled. Don't even go there.

God understands where you're coming from. He still looks at you with His eyes shining every time you walk into His throne room. He doesn't say He hates divorce because He wants this perfect façade for His children. He doesn’t gloss over your life and tell you to keep it to yourself, because He doesn't want to know the pain under the façade. He knows all about rejection and adultery from His first wife, Israel. He knows all about neglect and the strain and pain of marriage from His bride, the Church. He knows all about laying His life down for someone He loves just to have them spit in His face. He hates divorce because He doesn't want us to go through the same pain He has gone through. He doesn't tell you that you have to put up with abuse and neglect just because you are married. But be very careful of your perceptions of what constitutes abuse.

I think one of the most hilarious passages of the Bible is where it says, "Wives, do not leave you husbands. But if you do, remain single." That is so practical. Because I promise you that if you remain committed to your marriage covenant, even if you can't tolerate living with your spouse, then God will help you to see a way back to your mate. In extreme circumstances I can see leaving a spouse when the situation is intolerable. But don’t close the door. Tell your spouse that you need to separate, but there is no one else, and you need to get help. Get Godly counseling. Maybe after some time apart, even years apart, and after some counseling you'll realize that the biggest hindrance to happiness in your marriage is you. Or your past. That maybe your spouse is taking the blame for things other people did to you. Some time and space can dull the pain of the past in your marriage, and give you the solitude and opportunity you may need to see your spouse through different eyes. And it may give them the chance to do the same.

Maybe as I ramble you are thinking that I am getting too "pie in the sky". That maybe I don't understand what you're feeling. So for argument's sake, let me give you a somewhat brief description of my life. Maybe some of the details will touch something in you and your circumstances.

My parents divorced when I was seven. My mom remarried when I was eight and my dad remarried when I was nine. I swore that I would never leave my husband like my mom left my dad. (Yes, I was very judgmental. Thank you for noticing.) At some point I was molested or had to hide from drunken molesters and potential molesters throughout my childhood. I broke up with my high school sweetheart after I was raped at 17 to avoid having to tell him what had happened. So if you’re thinking, “Yeah, but you don’t understand! My life was so screwed up that I made faulty life decisions because of my past! Why do I have to live with the result of those decisions now?” Hello! - I’m still talking to you.

I married a guy who was nice and solid and hard working and whom I liked well enough. My family really liked him, too. I started dating him on the rebound from my breakup with my high school sweetheart. I wasn’t madly in love with him, but I married him because I wanted to be married and have children, and get out of my parents' house. I was married to him for 15 years. He never smoked, drank, ran around or beat me. He also never talked about his feelings or went to church with me. I thought we had very little of a relationship. I felt like an employee. So any of you out there who have heard, " You just need to regain that first love that you once had", and you think to yourself, "well, I would, but he moved!", or, “I never had that with my spouse!”, because you never really felt "in love" with your mate, I 'm still talking to you.

I finally was so desperate and unhappy that I was contemplating divorce. Then I found out I was pregnant and thought God was trying to tell me to stay. When I miscarried at 3 months, I sat in a fog for a week, and when I came out of it, I decided that things had to change. I decided I was going to leave somehow. And as life would have it, I heard from my high school sweetheart's mom that her son was coming to town for a visit. When he found out that I was getting separated he confided that he had been separated for over three months, but hadn't told anyone. He didn't want to upset his parents. To make a really long story short, we got back together.

All the fantasies of all of you out there who lost a first love and are now drooling, wipe your face, and let me refer you back to the beginning of this letter. Allow me to repeat myself. It doesn’t get any better. Because the person that you have fantasized about for the past umpteen years is still an individual. In your fantasy world, they acted according to your wishes. In the real world, they won't. And you won't end up being their dream date, either. You just trade one set of problems for another.

If you're looking for an answer in this for you own situation, it's pretty obvious that I don't have any pat solutions. Just don't run and hide from God. And recommit yourself to your spouse. That is a tough one for me. Maybe you find yourself in the same predicament. You need to realize that the covenant you made was with God, not a person. And that person can’t release you from your promise. Does this mean returning to a first spouse if possible? Or taking a stand from where you’re at now? Satan doesn't make these decisions easy. I'm sure that at this point I can experience killer stress and guilt no matter what I do.

So if you haven't left yet, my word to you is- recommit yourself to God and to your marriage. Not because it's easy; not because it's fun. Because it's the right thing to do and because whether or not you believe it now, it IS the easier option. Quit giving yourself the option of leaving. It will just stress you out. Give it up. Lay it down. Focus on your relationship with God. Give up on "getting" any fulfillment from your spouse. Quit expecting that in your marriage. Give your mate the same benefit you give your kids. You love them because they are yours, even when they drive you nuts. Give your spouse the same benefit you give you best friend. You know all their flaws and see their mistakes, and are realistic with them. Lift your spouse up to God. Even when you want to tear his head off. Not like the Pharisee, who prayed with self-righteous pride, but as a sinner and a servant. Ask God to help you see the ways you have contributed to the problem.

And then, last of all, get a life. If you are being controlled by your relationship with your spouse, quit putting him in the place of God. Try to remember who you were before you got married. If you are like me and always felt that being a wife and mother were the life goals you had, then look a little deeper. If you put so much emphasis on your marriage to fulfill you, you're going to be pretty darn unfulfilled. Develop the person that God meant you to be. Stand up for yourself. Get a backbone before you have to leave to prove you have one.

I have to admit, after this whole experience, the whole idea of being single has taken on a definite attraction for me. I just wish I had known what I know now before I had left. It could have made a world of a difference.

All this can apply to the unmarried state, too. Whenever you are lonely and unfulfilled, it is so easy to think "if only" I had a spouse I would be happy. Wrong! Another person won't make you happy. It may sound pithy, but that longing we all feel, whether or not we are married, whatever circumstance we are in, is the desire for a connection deeper than anything we can find from another person. We all know that we need Christ and yadda yadda. But we've tried that and we've prayed, and it didn't fulfill us. Why? Well, for starters, how's your prayer life right now? I mean, truthfully. Mine stinks. It has never not stunk. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I'd say I have a major highway project going on here. But to paraphrase the Bible, "You ask and have not, because you ask amiss." We shouldn't be asking for mates or other people to fulfill us. We should be asking for God to fill that longing in us in His way. His will be done. As Paul wrote, " I have learned to be content in all circumstances." That's ALL. Not most.

So where does this leave me? With a lot of regrets, and some advice from the other side for anyone contemplating divorce for whatever reason. Don’t go there. Don’t let yourself in for a lifetime of regret. Like I said before, it doesn’t get any better. But it can get a hell of a lot worse.