Things I never needed to know

Things I Never Needed to Know

My father has always found a way to embarrass me. I wish I could blame drugs and alcohol, but, unfortunately, he’s been sober and in Alcoholics Anonymous for seventeen years. I went to visit him in Milwaukee this August only to find out that he’s gotten even more embarrassing.
Phil is a balding, seventy year old, Jewish man; a father of five, a grandpa of six, and a great-grandfather of two. He’s been married and divorced three times. His osteoporosis has caused him to shrink from 5’9” to 5’7”. He’s a lawyer, so you would think he would be rich, or at least well off. Maybe he could have been if he knew the concept of saving money. He talks with his hands and a bit too loud. In fact, wearing industrial strength headphones and a football helmet MIGHT keep you bruiseless and your eardrums in tact. Despite his shortcomings, he always manages to have a girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend). In fact, when I was visiting him, he didn’t hesitate to tell me all about his latest ex-girlfriend, Alison, or as he called her “my Slut-Of-An-Ex”, or simply “That Slut.”
Phil met that forty-two year old woman in AA. They started dating about two years ago, in 2007. It was a tumultuous relationship from the beginning, full of break-ups and make-ups. In July of 2009, it was finally over. I wish I could say that was all I knew about their relationship, but while I was visiting him, he made sure I knew all the dirty details of his dysfunctional relationship. It all started when I found a little blue pill on the wooden floor of his two bedroom apartment. “Dad!” I exclaimed, holding up the pill “What the hell is this?” Although, I knew what it was, I think I asked that more out of shock than anything else. “Oh” he replied with a chuckle “that’s my Viagra. I haven’t taken one in a month, not since the last time That Slut came over last month.” It took me a moment to understand what my father just confessed to me. I guess that opened the doors of communication for him, and he continued talking about things I wish I could black out. “I found out she’s been sleeping with this real asshole. He’s pretty well known in AA. He’s this drug dealer. A real scumbag. Well, Alison’s been sleeping with him. Thank god I used a condom with That Slut, but I still got tested. I think she was using me for sex. She’s like that. She uses people for her own selfish needs.” By this point, I figured that my dad must really be senile, and maybe it was time to check him into an old folk’s home. He couldn’t really be offering up this information about his sex life with his twenty four year old daughter, could he? He continued this conversation for about an hour. I tried interrupting him at some point, “Dad, I don’t need to hear about your sex life!”, but he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with letting me know when he received his last blow job. To say I was embarrassed by his sexual conquest is putting it mildly. In fact, I was hoping God would smile upon me and bless me with temporary deafness. After the hour long conversation finally ended, I decided my best bet was to get so drunk, I block out that entire evening. Unfortunately, the only thing I accomplished was a horrific hangover and possibly losing half my body weight in the toilet. I’m afraid that this conversation may have shaved a few years off my life and, I now know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is no joke.