The Carpenter (An extract)

I closed my eyes and let the wind wash over my aching body. I could feel his arms around me, holding me so close. I felt like a child, hiding in the embrace of the strong. But I was elevated, held high, unbroken when I was with him. He had put this china doll back together, glued the cracks back together again. The scars would always show but they didn’t matter when he was with me. Yet I would never truly feel his touch again.

         The bay was so wild, the waves crashed against the foot of the cliff, licking at the chalk and the stone. Although I was alone, I felt closer to him here, like I could see his face in those grey clouds. He’d loved the sea, watching it for hours, days. He’d brought me up here and had shown me the stars, naming each and every one with the passion that had swept me away.

         My arms tightened around my own body, trying to imitate the way he held me. But nothing, no one could ever hold me like he could. He’d always told me that one day he wouldn’t be there for me anymore, that I’d have to be strong on my own. I’d cried when he’d told me. When I’d finally known his secret; the secret I’d begged him to tell me for so long.

         Here, was the only place where I didn’t feel afraid anymore. The only place where I could still feel him with me, like he watched over the waves and soared with the gulls. Here I felt new again. I wondered if his wings were made of cloud, if they had the strength of an eagle. When he’d found me I’d been wasted, abandoned, disfigured, cracked. Left by those who were supposed to love me. He’d taken my hand. I hadn’t known him, but I’d loved him from first touch. First smile.

         I could almost see him, standing in front of me in the darkness. The disillusion was beautiful. My body convulsed and I felt ice touch my cheeks. I couldn’t be without his beauty. My pain could only be caged for so long. I missed my heart; it had been torn out the day he had left me. I missed my soul; I missed the warmth of his smile and the glitter in his eyes.

         I missed his love.

         He’d rebuilt me; I knew he hadn’t put such work into a masterpiece to have it tarnished once again. The pain staking effort that had been put into reassembling my shattered body and crushed heart hadn’t been suffered for me to break.

         But there was no reason to be elevated without him there. There was no reason to feel special when I had no one to share the feeling with. The purity that I had regained, the brilliant innocence that he had given back to me was gone, ruined, robbed, raw, rotted.

         A doll with no one to play with her.

         A child with no one to guide her.

         I turned away from the sea, away from the crashing waves and hidden dangers. I turned away from the feeling of beauty and the remembrance of his face. I clutched at my sides, trying to stop myself falling apart. The dead black branches thrust up from the earth, jagged, jutting. I passed the thorns, I felt as my skin caught, ignored the empty pain, felt as I began to rip. To tear to pieces.

         I couldn’t face the world without the man who had made me, saved me, given me reason, provided me with soul. One look at my arm told me I could be repaired, fixed, but no one could fix me like him. I had been everything to him. He had been my everything, my love.

         I turned away from the pain, away from the prospect of being alone. I ran from the thorns and the hollow world, I ran until there was nothing left. I fell, I ripped, shredded, tore. I hit the waves in pieces. I drowned.

         I opened my eyes.