Who Am I Now?

Who am I now?

I am a physically, psychologically disabled
mature homemaker.
Before falling off the face of the planet,
I had two degrees, and a good start
on a career that, for me, was both inspirational
and challenging.

I became a chronic pain victim not through fault
but strictly due to chance and fate.
It could have been you, or someone you love, or
my colleague. It was not.
This cute little old woman driver,
who had lost the ability to gage traffic,
drove head on into my vehicle.
I could not know it then, but within a few years
any semblance to that university educated
“smart” professional would be gone.

Chronic pain eats slowly at both body and mind:
sadly, it also devours souls and relationships as well.
Today I have learned to pray for “pain free” hours,
and my world is encompassed and determined
by how I feel, or how high my pain index has become.

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I have a husband, whom I love,
who has stood by me for these many years.
Realistically, I can no longer meet most of his needs;
though, with his eyes, he'll appeal for me to keep trying.
Due to my inability to work, for the past ten years
he has been gone more than he's home.
This is another price my family has paid
to chronic pain: he must be the breadwinner.

My two sons are almost grown,
though I remember, in the beginning,
how they looked when I would tell them
we could not go swimming, or walk to the park.
They have never blamed me, but the scars are there
if anyone were to look closely.
Soon, they will start their own lives,
while this scares me, I pray for only happiness
to touch their lives.

As for me, my needs are drowned by pain,
narcotics, and low self-worth.
I don't believe in the future anymore,
and this has made the depression, commonly
found in chronic pain patients,
deepen within me.
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So, who are we now?
If you are a victim of pain – be it physical,
psychological, or Spiritual,
who have you become? Do you recognize yourself?

I am no sage, certainly no hero
and have no great wisdom to give.
Yet I do believe that change can only
occur from within us.......
for no one else has walked such a
hellish journey – therefore, no one else
can understand or alter our knowledge,
our strengths, and our weaknesses.

Start today, this hour – of so many hours spent in pain
look to your inner self: the persona you project to the world.
What is there that you Like about this person
you've been forced by pain, to evolve into?
What has been taken away or lost from your life?
Can you find, within, the ability to admire
your courage in the face of such
daunting adversity?
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If you are drowning, find help. Please.
A mentor, or support group – whomever you need
to get you back on the road towards purpose again.
To find the power to change the things in your life
that you do not like, but issues that can be changed.
Become a mentor to someone else; perhaps a person
just beginning to walk this very dangerous road.

One small stroke of paint
can change a vista of grey and black
into a collage of colours....a rainbow.
Hope.....it is our power, our saving grace.
Hope can give us the power to endure....to change.
We must never, ever, allow hope to fade within....
not one of us should be lost to the pain
that is now our lives.