Rochester's wicked letters to Armand

If you are easily offended stop reading now.
This is a purely fun creation to satire the good Rochester (the greatest wit of his time) who loved to revel in slander and obscenities.




Dear Armand,
Upon receiving the splendid news of your friendship concerning a great peer of mine ( he shall best remain unnamed ), I am delighted to offer you Sir, my cordial hand with the unshakable promise, that I shall endeavor to serve you as one gentleman to another to the best of my abilities. I also have heard, if such word is to believed, that your skills in the art of swiving are as apt as your dexterity in the matter of quill and ink. Believing this to be true( God, yes), this gentlemen of reputation (me) finds himself exceedingly worthy, utterly talented, very competent and more than able of sharing the above mentioned talents and pleasures with you Sir.

John Wilmot
Right Honourable
Earl of Rochester



My dear Armand,
very well, my reputation being what it is, I must be frank. All dishonest modesty aside, your letter has pleased me to the very extreme;
to an extreme that several buttons of my breeches suddenly came undone.

Such commitment to the combined pleasures of words and flesh can only be enjoyed in its truest form ,from one Poet to another, and I, Rochester, do consider you Sir, one of the finest poets under the sun.

Yet, to ensure that no falsehood enter and therefore determine our future relations, I must speak of my thoughts concerning you, my very best man, thoughts of such steamy nature, that my stable boy, god bless the little cunt, still suffers under the shivers and blows he received by my bloody tarse riding him.
Well, well, with high hopes of meeting you soon, I will pass this wisdom of mine on to you:

Hail us Poets, we're so wise
n' celebrate when pricks arise
no other worthwhile buggery
ev'r brought us tis much glee.

Devoted
John Wilmot
Earl of Rochester