Bittersweet Love, Bittersweet Justice

Bittersweet Love, Bittersweet Justice



He was cold and alone lying on the pavement. Wounds etched into his skin, he tried to crawl, but he was unable to. How did he end up here? What happened? He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember anything in fact; locked away for so long, imprisoned both inside and out he couldn’t remember a thing. His mind was lost and broken into many pieces that seemed impossible to put back together. Like a large china bowl that had been smashed at a Greek wedding party.



How did it end up this way? She asked herself. All those years ago she was just a young forensic detective with a bright promising future. He was an intelligent slightly older detective, with a great career ahead of him. There was always something about him that attracted and drew her towards him. She could never quite figure it out. It was more than the roguish, good looks. It was more than the quiet, yet bold and unassuming personality that he showed.

Perhaps it was his eagerness to fight evil, and solve every case there was to solve. Or maybe it was that despite his strong convictions and headstrong eagerness, she could see a gentle, peaceful man that was almost too gentle within to withstand all of the pressure that came bound to his job.



Maybe that’s why he crumbled the way he did?

The thought circled around like a fierce tornado in her mind.

Maybe he was never meant to deal with that sort of horror?

Still she tried to push it out of her mind but it would always come back to her and now, after what had just happened, it was impossible to push aside.



She tried to imagine his pain and his discomfort but she couldn’t bear it. It almost felt as though he’d been selfish in the way he had fallen apart. After all, she’d seen some pretty twisted stuff herself.

How could he have any excuse for falling apart like that?

She knew, however, that this was a selfish thought.

How could he have helped it? It wasn’t like he wanted to fall apart…

And now he was living a life that he never wanted to live. She wondered what it would mean now with this sudden twist of fate.

Where would he go? To a higher security institution surely, where he would be locked away for the rest of his life.



It all began 12 March 2006; Mary had just finished finalizing the forms, it was all set. She was so nervous; tonight she would see her husband for the first time in weeks and the first time in public in eight years. The night release was unusual, and it wouldn’t have been granted in normal circumstances. But she had friends in high places and there was certainly plenty of sympathy for Tom. She told the family about Tom’s night release, and was getting set to go out. The oldest one didn’t want to go as he’d already made arrangements and was busy for the night. The younger boy though, was eager to see his father. He had little memory of Tom before he was institutionalized and was very excited at even the thought of going to the movies with him. It was then that everything started to turn pear-shaped.



At first everything went smoothly, they were all quietly enjoying the movie when about halfway through, a young teenage boy started to annoy the audience by making loud noises. Mary looked at Tom, who just stared at the teenage boy with no real expression on his face. Mary did not know what her husband was thinking, or how he would react. Then suddenly out of nowhere, Tom started yelling at the top of his voice for the teenage boy to be quiet and sit down. He made such a scene that the whole entire audience became eerily quiet. The teenage boy sat down looking very afraid and was very quiet for the rest of the movie. Mary comforted her son as they watched the rest of the movie together.



Later on, they walked out of the movies and hurried to get away from the crowd. They walked along the street paths, walking to get home. For Mary they could not get home soon enough. They continued walking, until after a short distance Mary realized that they had lost Tom. She looked around frantically searching, but she could not find him. After a while she decided to call her work.

“I have lost him” she told the receiver. “You better send some of the boys down here to find him.”



The police quickly went down to look for Tom and searched everywhere. Mary waited worryingly, carefully considering all the scenarios. Carefully thinking of all the places where he could be. Within half an hour of frantic searching the chief detective called. The words spilled almost reluctantly out of his mouth.

“Mary we’ve found Tom you’d better get down to the station quickly.”



Mary waited outside the room while they questioned him. The chief detective, for years known to Mary as Mick, came out.

“You can go home now, we’ll be keeping him here for a while, get some rest and come in tomorrow” he told her, gently.

Mary knew she wouldn’t be getting much sleep that night, as she took her youngest child home.



The next day Mary went to the police station after telling her son everything. Her eldest son looked as though he didn’t know how to take the news.

He must be in shock, she thought.



When Mary arrived at the station she went straight to Mick. Thinking of all the experience she had had as a forensic investigator. Her hope for Tom’s innocence was virtually non-existent. She was feeling guilty for all that had happened; and as though the weight of the world was placed squarely on her shoulders.

“How bad is it?” She asked Mick.

Stating the facts that he had gathered Mick replied:

“He was found at the wharf unconscious, with a deep cut on his arm. A teenage boy was found dead mutilated nearby on the wharf. The kid found dead was identified by witnesses as the same boy that had an altercation with Tom at the movies. He was chopped up the same way as the victims in the old case that Tom worked on. The one that errrr.. led to his breakdown.”



“So from first impression it looks as though Tom has killed the young boy and then has become unconscious from loss of blood.” Mary quickly interrupted.

“Yes that’s right but we’re not ruling out other scenarios either, there could be other possibilities” said the chief detective with distinct hope in his voice, hope that Mary did not show.

“Like what?!” Mary asked

“There are many, we have brought in the best forensic detectives from other units. As you would already know it is unethical for you to be involved and we can not let you work on this case.”

Mick was used to being the voice of reason. Mary on the other hand was blinded by guilt and rage. The only scenario that made sense to her was that Tom in his fragile, mental state acted out the killings that drove him insane out of a subconscious outburst that he could not control.



Tom sat alone on the chair in the middle of the room, occasionally glancing out the window. Most of the time he just sat there staring at the floor like a zombie. The chief detective came in to interview him. It was so hard for Mick to be objective; they were colleagues for so long. Perhaps being a former colleague could give him insight he thought to himself.

“Tom, do you remember anything about the night the murder occurred?” Mick asked gently.



Tom looked up and replied instantly: “No… I can’t remember anything.” “I remember the movies and the walk for a little then it just goes blank, I’m sorry, these days my mind just blanks out and I sometimes go for days not remembering a thing.”

“That’s ok” the detective replied, “I know, if you remembered, you’d tell me.”

Tom looked up at the detective and former colleague, a man who was once one of his closest allies. All of these memories of working with him suddenly started to flash past his eyes. Mick looked at Tom as if he was pondering whether he was still the same man he once knew. Tom could read the disappointment in his eyes he didn’t need the experience of a detective to see that.



Mary stared outside her office window. She’d read through the evidence so many times now, the evidence that she had stolen and photocopied from other staff’s files. There’s got to be something here, some evidence that conclusively proves that Tom committed the crime.



She was so bitterly confused. She knew that she should want to clear her husband’s name, but yet, she felt so guilty. She got special permission to get him out of there. No other patient could go outside the institution without a guard. However she pulled some strings and thought that she may be doing something good for her family.

Who else could it be? She Thought.

There was no other conclusion in her mind. The only other guys that were twisted enough to do this kind of thing were safely locked away. It couldn’t be a coincidence that the only other time something like this happened in town, was when Tom was out. He had no alibi, no recollection and was wounded when they had found him.



Meanwhile since that night Chris had been reassuring, as usual for his mother. He had to shoulder a lot of responsibility since his father’s illness, and would always be highly supportive of his mother. Alongside Mary, Chris visited his father and reassured him; that even though he’d been too busy with life recently he would support him through this. He proposed to his mother that Tom wasn’t guilty. “There’s got to be other angles to look at” he exclaimed.



His mother could sympathize with his frustrations, but was even more determined that it must have been Tom. It had to be. Who else could have committed the crime? She continuously explained this to her son until he eventually gave up trying to convince her otherwise.



It was interviewing time again; Mary asked the senior detective, Michael (though to her he was always just Mick), what they were up to in the investigation process. It was so hard to be professional, so hard to approach him on this level. He was a close family friend, had been for years. He and his wife had helped support her and her family throughout all this time.



He answered: “We’re trying everything we can, to get to the bottom of this and get Tom’s name cleared.”

“Cleared?!” She gasped; “Isn’t it obvious he did it? Surely we can plead insanity, then get this over with, there’s no other suspects.”

“I don’t mean to be rude” the chief detective replied, “but I worked with Tom for a long time and I just don’t think he did it.”

“Huh?!” Mary exclaimed, “Worked with him? I’m married to him! Can’t you see that he’s not the same person anymore?”

“I’m sorry” the senior detective said, a little confused, “I’m just not convinced that he did it.”



Mary stormed off, and let the detective do his work. Though, as she thought of her husband and the facts that seemed undeniable to her, a sudden idea flashed across in her mind. She tried to brush it off, but she was so overcome with emotion that, as soon as she saw the detective heading into his office, she snuck quietly into the room where her husband was being kept.



She knew that it was unethical, perhaps even illegal. But she couldn’t help it. She needed to hear answers and get the truth from him herself. She quickly greeted Tom before pointing questions to his shocked face.

“Do you remember anything about that night? You must remember something? You know you can tell me if you did something wrong.”



She confronted him angrily not doing a good job at controlling her emotions at all. It was strange with all the years of professional experience, Mary thought that she could easily conduct a proper professional interview with her husband. Yet she had all these questions for Tom, and with all the pressure of what had happened placed squarely on her shoulders she needed answers urgently.



He looked up at her, with an innocent expression, gazing with pale worn out looking eyes, and replied

“I already told Mick, I don’t remember anything, not a thing about the other night. I remember walking back from the movies, a little behind you guys for a while; then everything just blacked out until I woke up with cuts on myself.”

“Is there anything else you remember?” Mary asked in sheer desperation.

Tom looked up at her with genuine sincerity in his eyes, and replied, “I’m sorry. I am so sorry for everything.” “I can’t think anymore, perhaps it’s better if I just go back to the institution.”

“Not before this is over” she replied, in bitter frustration and anger. “Not before you’re willing to cooperate properly.”







He looked down and said nothing, as she stormed out of the room. Tears were welling in Mary’s eyes. The man she remembered, the man she fell in love with was kind and gentle. But he was also strong and able. The man she just interviewed was a mess; and to see him like that still deeply hurt her. She was so confused and was feeling a little guilty for the way she had spoken.

Could he really be innocent? He had to be guilty, she thought to herself.

There were no other logical answers. She went home, tired and emotional. She was distant towards her kids, but they dared not bother her; for they knew that she would be struggling to deal with the chaos surrounding them. They had grown to love and depend on their mother more and more over time, but they respected her need for solitude throughout this time.



The eldest son seemed concerned, so the next day he told his mother that he wanted to go down to the station to visit his father. Mary drove him down to the station and waited anxiously in her office until her son was finished. She didn’t want to see Tom again, not after what had happened yesterday.

As she waited she reflected on all the good memories Tom and her had shared together. The first time they had met at the station, their first date, their wedding and the birth of their first child. It was all so long ago, yet they were still a part of her reality.



The eldest son was quick. He came out looking strangely happy. Mary figured that this was because he must have worked things out with his father. She asked him what they had talked about, but he didn’t seem all that willing to share. The typical teenager that he was Mary thought.

“We just talked about life since he’s been away, you know, it’s been a while since I last visited him in there.”

Mary knew that this was true. Chris hated visiting his father in the institution. In fact, over the last few years he barely talked about his father at all, and he would often change topic to avoid conversation about him. She could understand why talking to his father may have been hard for him. Chris had always idolized Tom before his breakdown and she could see how much everything that had happened deeply hurt him.



Mary went home and wept more than she could care to remember. She wept even more than the day that Tom was sent away. At least, on that day there was hope. A bright hope that one day things could all be worked out and things could be pieced back together again.

But now all seemed lost. Tom seemed destined to be locked up, in prison or in a maximum-security mental institution far away from anyone. She couldn’t access the station to look through forensic files. She had nothing to clear Tom’s name, even if she wanted to.

Why would I want to? She thought. She’d been so detached from him for so long, and it was clear that he must have done it; but coming this close to being with him again drove her almost insane.



She looked up to the skies outside her window and prayed a simple prayer for hope, peace and justice. Then went to bed for a long interrupted and almost completely sleepless rest. As she awoke there were no clouds in the sky and she somehow felt an inner peace, even though her circumstances seemed doomed.



Tom was feeling condemned and empty inside his emotions. He could remember and count back to the days when he was free. He was free and loving, humble and caring, gentle and kind, silent but strong. Now he was overcome in a sea of doubt, tortured by painful memories.

Tom wondered whether he could ever see this through, and if so, for what hope? What hope still lay there within himself? Then he remembered the blissful and peaceful relationships with his loving wife and family. It was in these memories where he could find hope; hope to continue searching for the truth.

Think, Tom! He thought to himself. What really happened that night?



The next day Tom awoke fresh from his holding cell, with a wide smile on his face. Today would be different and he knew exactly why. He stormed to his window and tapped the glass to get his former colleagues attention. As they came over, he quickly informed them of his will to be interviewed again.

“We have everything we need.” they told him.

He looked at them, with that ever quiet and unassuming expression that he had, and said:

“I have new information that changes everything.” The officers were skeptical, and could not see the point in re-interviewing. They had collected enough evidence and now it was the courts turn to settle on what they had. But since it was Tom, they found it very hard to refuse. As Tom continued to plead with them they conceded for one last interview.



Mary headed down to the police station, consigned to the fact that she had once again lost her husband. As she was about to hop into the car, her eldest son came rushing out the door.

“I want to be there for you” he said.

Appreciating the gesture, she accepted the support of her son. When they finally arrived at the station and walked into the front office, Tom was seen pleading with the officers. Though Mary had tried so hard to brace herself for this, she could not stand to watch. Chris watched on and caught the glimpse of his father’s eye.



“I am so sorry son I told them the truth.” Tom said.

No one knew what he was trying to say, except a couple of the police officers who simply thought that Tom was crazy. Mary had completely lost it by now and fell to the floor of the office. Chris had never seen his mother in such a state. In the last couple of weeks she had been doing such a convincing job of hiding her pain from everyone. Chris stared at his father and could not resist.



“Do you know how it felt the day you left us? “We had to keep going without you and I had to pick up the pieces, because you were too weak to keep functioning.” His words were so cold and bitter.

“I had to support the family when you went away, then you came back that night and you didn’t even look like you were real anymore. You’re just a ghost of the father I once had. I followed you that whole night. I followed you when you wandered off to that pier. I saw that kid that annoyed you in the cinemas. I saw it as an opportunity to repay you for what you did; for falling apart and failing us. I wanted you to see it again, but you came in to stop me, the hero that you always were. So I knocked you out. I continued the job. I knew that you’d be the one that they’d blame, with your weak mental health. I knew you’d stand no chance because you are weak. You know, I actually enjoyed slaughtering that kid that night. I killed him quickly so that no one could hear any screams. Then I made it look pretty, just like the case you worked on. I wanted you to pay. I wanted Mum to be set free of you. You, who has become such a burden on us, I don’t know why she cares so much about you. You’re not worth anything to me.”



Mary was shaking and horrendously in shock. She could not believe a single word that had come out of her son’s mouth. Mary had stopped crying now, and the whole room was in silent shock and horror. But she looked over at Tom and his eyes were welled full with tears. Mary saw, again, the warm loving man she had long ago fallen in love with. The man she always wanted to share her life and all of her heart with.



He looked over to her with a little bit of fear and apprehension. But Mary looked back with such warmth that it soon calmed his spirit, so that he felt completely comforted as he looked back into her eyes. The police handcuffed Chris and took him away, while they also took Tom back to the holding cell to sort everything out. There they would sort out their paperwork and send him back to the institution, Mary presumed.



Two weeks had passed and Mary did not want to see Tom, as she was still feeling confused about everything that had taken place. However, she knew that he needed her deeply and that she was his only hope in life. She drove to the institution, still not really sure if she was ready to see him, yet she drove there nonetheless. She always felt better after visiting her husband in the past. She was hoping that the days visit would have the same effect.

Her mind and her emotions had been all over the place in the last two weeks. She walked inside to the reception to ask if she could visit her husband. The receptionist called the room and very soon, walking briskly down the stairs, came Tom. This was odd, usually he would have to be escorted down the stairs and he was usually frail; never this lively at all. He got down the stairs and said to her:



“Wow I thought you'd never come” “After everything that has happened it's just overwhelming” “It felt like my world was falling apart all over again for the last couple of weeks” “I've found it so hard, and I've been blaming myself for Chris, I'm so sorry.”

“It's not your fault” Mary quickly replied. “Why are you so happy, and why did you come down the stairs by yourself?” Mary asked.



“I have good news, after the police evaluations they decided that I was mentally stable. I cooperated well and it was evident from their interviews that I had regained a sound mind. So they referred me to Psychiatric testing and I passed all the evaluations, with flying colours. I've been a free man since last week” Replied Tom.

“So why didn't you leave this place last week, or at least call me?” Mary asked.

“I didn't want you to feel like you had to take me back,” Replied Tom. “After everything that has happened I didn't want to be a burden. I was going to write you a letter, but then I thought it would be better if you worked things out in your own time.”



“I’ve had to search so hard to find myself again; through this emptiness and misery, confusion and fear. But it was hope in being close to you again that motivated me to want to work it out. I could have died in this place here, this place which is like a prison. With my thoughts locked away forever, my soul lost and incapacitated. But when I saw you, I found hope again. I found my peace and my inner strength once more. You supported me throughout all these years, watching me from a distance, hoping someday I could get out of the mess I have become. You gave me a glimmer of hope and I am so thankful to have you in my life. Every part of me wants to be a piece of you, because without you I am nothing. And with you, I truly am free.”



Mary was truly overwhelmed and did not quite know what to say. However she replied as openly and as honestly as she could.

“I never gave up on you, and I never stopped believing in you. I could have given those case files to someone else. They were the worst crime scenes that I have ever seen. But I thought that you would be the only one who could handle it. You always were my hero. I knew you were the only detective that could hunt those bastards down, and you did; though it was at the expense of your own health. Even if at times I doubted or regretted and blamed myself for handing the case over to you. I always hoped and believed that someday you would sort it all out in your mind. I asked Mick to give you the case because I believed in you. And even through all of this, I always hoped and I always believed somehow that you would be OK. I still loved you from a distance, still visited you and tried to be as close to you as much as I could, even though the real you was locked away somewhere in your mind.”



“And now that you are free again, I truly feel more loved by you than ever before; because now through all of this you have every right to blame me for handing the case over to you and not somebody else. You could blame me for not supporting you enough, through what must have been such a traumatic experience for you. Because I was so caught up in work and taking care of the kids. I think sometimes that I should have seen the signs that you were struggling and you needed help. I should have found a way through your stubborn male ego that refuses help or rest when you need it.” Or you could blame me for allowing so much distance to grow between us, and not trying to get you out of here earlier before all of this mess and now our son’s life is ruined.” Mary was now clearly quite emotionally distressed.



“No, I understand that you wanted me to heal first,” replied Tom. “And you already put a lot on the line just to get me out of here when you did. I can feel that you truly do love me and you really care deeply about me. Otherwise you would have given up on me a long time ago. And handing me the care that I needed just shows how much you truly do care about me. One thing that I have learnt throughout all of this is that love is a blessed thing, and I never want to lose you again. Our love is now like a rose that grows in the thick thorn bushes. It is made more beautiful because of its hazardous surroundings. “But now I am free and healed; and there is not anything that can stop us now.”



Mary was truly overwhelmed, her husband had always been a bit of a romantic but this was something else entirely. It was as if all the years apart were being made up for in these very moments. She looked deep into his pale blue eyes and again saw a strength she did when she first met him. There was strength again where there had once been weakness. But this time she could see in his eyes a greater strength than ever, and the battle weary and creased face that he had was now more appealing to her than the smooth handsome one that she had fallen for long ago.



She leapt into his arms and she, too, was free once more. Free from constant pain. Free from emptiness. She could now live in freedom. Oh, what a warm night it would be. Still their days would not be perfect. They had a lot of adjustments to make in life. Not least of which was the impending incarceration of their eldest son. In the beginning of their careers, neither of them could have ever imagined their firstborn child growing to become a convicted murderer. Yet together they were stronger, and they could support each other through their troubles this time. They went home, not to a perfect fairytale ending, but at least they still had each other and a younger son, whom they both hoped they could give all the love and care that they had to. As for their older son Chris, they would not give up on him. They would do everything that they could to help and support him through his years locked away in another prison.