Cracks in the Pavement

She sat staring aimlessly into the wall opposite her bed. Through the tiny barred window a stream of light entered the otherwise dark and sullen cell. Sofia’s body was shaking, her eyes completely blank. Showing no apparent effect of what the cell did to her.. She opened her mouth slightly. Trying to muster a sound, any sound. Her fingers tapping her thighs. Side effects of the ECT or perhaps, the Haldol was wearing off. The door creaked as the locks were undone.
    ‘Stand still by the wall!’ One of the caretakers shouted. He waited a minute, then briskly walked through the room, put the tray down on the table, and turned to walk back.
    ‘For God’s sake. Don’t leave your back open at any time!’
    ‘Why? It’s not as if she can do anything. Look at her, she’s completely gone.’
    ‘Get back out here fool! You’ve been here for two months and haven’t learned anything. She might be still now, but it can shift in a matter of seconds,’
    ‘Really? Even when they’re drugged up?’ the senior caretaker nodded. They closed the door and locked it.
Sofia looked up. Tears streaming down her face. Laying down on the cold bunk, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day or at least, not worse.

The cold wind blew through the trees, penetrating every living soul. Sofia hurried down the street, careful not to step on the cracks in the pavement.
                    If they touch you, you’ll break. Don’t step on them!
She wore a thin white dress, more appropriate for the summer than a bleak November morning. She stopped in front of the grey cement building, reached inside her pocket for her packet of Marlboros'. She took the last cigarette and threw the empty packet on the ground, lighting her cigarette she leaned against the wall. After taking a last puff and threw the butt on the ground, walked into the building and took the elevator up to the fifth floor.
    ‘Hi. My name is Sofia Nordström. I'm here for an appointment with Dr. Malm at 9 o'clock.’ She attempted to smile, the tapping of the typing machine growing louder in her head. Tap. Tap. Enveloping her very being. The receptionist glanced at her, stopped typing, put her cigarette down in the ashtray and flipped through the pages of the appointment book.
    ‘You are here for the ECT treatment.’
    ‘No, I've just got...’
    ‘It was not a question. You are here, booked for an ECT treatment.’
    ‘I'm sure that's wrong...’
    ‘Please take a seat Miss. Dr. Malm will be with you shortly.’
   
    ‘Miss Nordström? I'm Dr. Malm. Pleased to meet you. Please follow me.’
    ‘So. I understand that you need my help. You've been referred here from Karolinska Hospital, is that correct?’
Sofia nodded. Dr. Malm looked her straight in the eye.
    ‘Can you please tell me, what it is that you feel is wrong. Just try and verbalise it for me.’ Sofia sat down on the chair offered to her.
    ‘I’m dying more and more with every breath I take. Every time I open my eyes. Every time my heart beats. Like a slow torturous cancer, only it’s my soul that’s dying and my body following. I’m not alive, I’m not dead, but I am dying. I don’t know what to do. They keep telling me to watch out for the cracks.’
    ‘These voices? Do you hear them often?’ Sofia nodded again.
    ‘All the time. They’re never quiet.’
Dr. Malm flipped through the pages of her notepad.
    ‘I think that we should try a round of electro convulsive therapy. I’m positive that they will make you feel as normal as you felt earlier this year. We have an appointment that’s been cancelled today, so we can do this right now.’
Sofia froze.
    ‘Sofia. If we do this today, this time next week you will be yourself again. Come.’
Sofia rose from her chair and they walked through the corridor. The room was empty but for a single bed and a huge rack of machinery.
    ‘Lay down on the bed and relax.’ Dr. Malm fitted the electrodes to her temples. ‘We’re going to give you a mild sedative now. Please relax, and bite down on this.’ Sofia’s mind was racing.
    I don’t need this. I’m not insane. Am I? I can’t be. I function. Avoid the cracks in the wall. It’s the cracks that you have to avoid.
She felt a shiver as the electricity went through her body, her body tensing, her muscles convulsing. The room filled with a blue light travelling through the cracks in the paint.

Sofia sat motionless in the chair. Tapping her fingers against her thighs.
    ‘Sofia? Did you hear what I just said?’ Dr Malm asked. Sofia looked up. Her eyes glazed.
    ‘I said, that we are going to give shock therapy another go. I know that it wasn’t completely successful last time. But I’m sure that it will do the trick now.’ Sofia gazed out the window, trying to escape the voices in her head. She loathed them, couldn’t stand to hear them. Yet every time they went away she felt empty inside. As if her soul had been removed and only an outer shell had been left behind. The ECT always made things worse. Always made her forget. Forget about everything. She could hardly remember who she was, where she was; why she was there. It made her feel almost normal. For about a day, then she’d sink deeper and deeper within herself until it was worse than before the ECT.
She could hear footsteps in the hallway. Becoming louder, louder until they were so loud that she thought her eardrums would burst at any second. The caretakers swung the door open. She shook her head. Grasping the side of the bed.
    ‘No. No. No more. I can’t take it. Leave me alone. I don’t want it any more. No more. No more, please.’
    ‘What’s wrong Sofia? We agreed to four treatments. This will be the last. Come now,’
    ‘No more, please. No more. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to sink deeper. You tell me that I’ll be fine, and I’m not. You lied to me. You told me I’d be...’
Sofia fell to the floor, exhausted. Dr. Malm signed to the caretakers to carry Sofia.
    ‘Carry her to the ECT room and get her set up. I’ll be there in a minute.’ Dr. Malm watched as they carried Sofia’s limp body out of the room. She took her notepad and scribbled one word;
                                                                                Lobotomy.