Live.

“Dear Mom, Dad, and Janie: By the time you get this letter I will be gone, but I hope that these words can provide some closure for you and let you move on with your lives in the way that I couldn’t.
Claire closed the spiral notebook in her lap and slid it underneath her mattress. As she took the headphones to her iPod out of her ears, she heard a knock on her door.
“Yeah?” said Claire.
“It’s me,” said Janie, Claire’s younger sister.
“What do you want?”
“Mom and dad are fighting again.”
“About what?”
“About her.”

Her. Linda. Dad’s newest flavor of the week. The one he had enough audacity to bring to our activities when mom was too sick to go. The one he tries to make me like even though I hate her more than I hate him.

A plate hit the wall and shattered to the floor, and Janie sought refuge on Claire’s bed.

“I know what you’re doing! I know who she is!” shouted their mom.
“You don’t know anything, Karen. You’re delusional.”
“You think I’m stupid? You think people don’t talk? You think they don’t tell me about you two?”
“They don’t know anything.”
“They know everything, Ron. And they tell me, about all of it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about! Just take your pills and go back to bed.”
“Just wait until I’m better. You’ll pay for this!”

The front door slammed shut and a few seconds later his engine came to life. He backed out of the driveway and his tires squealed as he slammed the gas pedal into the floor, carrying him away from his family once again. Claire had fallen asleep to this lullaby for as long as she could remember.

Claire glanced at her sister. “Janie, just go put on your pajamas and go to bed.”
“Do you think mom will be okay?” Janie sounded worried.
“She’ll be fine.”
“But I don’t think this stress is good for her health, Claire.” Janie’s eyes were wet with tears.
“Well there’s nothing we can do, Janie. You just have to let them fight it out.”
“Yeah. Okay…well goodnight.”
“Night.”
“Shut my door on your way out.”
“Okay.”



I don’t want to draw this out or make it dramatic and difficult; I just want you to understand why I did what I did. They always tell me in school that I have to have a purpose; I have to know what I’m going to do in life and why I’m here and what I can offer the world.

Janie shut the door and Claire reached under her mattress again, this time pulling out the small Ziploc bag. Through the plastic Claire fingered the thirty or so pills inside, in shades of blue, green, pink, and white. Her mom was on so many medicines that she never missed a pill here or there, and Claire had been pilfering them for several months now. She figured they would do the trick once she was ready, and she kept them next to the notebook with her letter in it, so that when she was ready, they would be there. She put the bag back under her mattress and switched off her lamp, trying her best to fall asleep with all of these thoughts circling her mind.

She woke up the next morning and went into the bathroom to shower. As she walked towards the door, she saw her dad walking from the living room, pillow and blanket in hand. He must have slept on the couch again. He looked up and saw her, and quickly looked at the pillow and blanket and lowered his eyes to the ground.

“Do you have lunch money for today?” he said.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Okay.”

She went into the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot. She didn’t go to sleep until almost three, which was when her dad had finally come home. After then, her sleep was broken and uncomfortable. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, and pulled her hair into a pony tail. She didn’t bother to put on any makeup; it wouldn’t make her any prettier anyway.

The truth is, I don’t know what my purpose is or why I’m here, and I don’t think I have anything to offer the world.

As she scrutinized herself in the mirror, Janie knocked on the door and opened it a crack.


“Can you put my hair up for me?”
“Yeah, come here.”


When she was finished Claire went back to her room, gathered her books, and went downstairs. Janie was eating breakfast and her dad was reading the newspaper. She muttered, “Bye” and walked out the door. She heard Janie say, “See you later” just before the door shut. Claire usually walked to school since they lived just a block away, and liked the time she had to walk and think about everything before she had to face everyone at school. It was freezing outside, and Claire could see her breath as she exhaled. As she crossed the street, she could see Jim, a homeless man in town, sitting against the abandoned building on the corner. It used to be an old coffee house that hosted bands, but had been closed for a few years. Jim posted up each morning against the storefront, and sat there all day with a can for change until about five o’clock. Claire could never figure out where he went at night, but she always stopped to talk to Jim and drop a few coins into his can before she continued to school.

“Heya Claire,” said Jim. “How’s it going?”
“Hey Jim. It’s going.” said Claire.
“How’s mom doing?”
“Still sick…won’t get out of bed.”
“And dad?”
“Still dad.”
“Well hang in there kiddo. Things get better.”
“Thanks Jim. See you later.”
“See you Claire.”

Claire dropped a few quarters into Jim’s can and headed off. Well that’s as good of a sign as any that I should do this, thought Claire. A homeless man is telling me life gets better.

As Claire entered her high school, she became overwhelmed with the noise and commotion of the place. She walked towards her locker, and saw the group of people standing in front of it that were there every morning. She said, “Excuse me.” No one bothered to move. She pushed her way through the group and began twisting the lock to each number of her combination. She heard one of the girls in the group mutter, “Let‘s go.” They pushed past her and walked away. Claire slipped her books into her bag and made her way to English.

Claire usually went through her time at school in a daze, occupying her mind with daydreams of a life outside of her sadness and turmoil at home. But when she snapped out of it she was constantly reminded of the life that she’d never have when she looked around at her peers and everything they had that she didn’t. She wouldn’t have to worry about it for much longer.

When school was out for the day Claire gathered her homework and began the familiar walk home again. The sun shone bright outside, but it was still cold and Claire braced herself for the chill about to hit her face. As she walked through the downtown square, she heard a car horn honk. She looked up and saw Linda waving from her blue Mercedes, with her long, fake red nails and oversized sunglasses. Claire ignored her and put her head down as she quickened her pace towards home. She immediately thought of her mother, likely laid up in bed, pale and nauseous from being sick for too long.

As Claire approached the abandoned coffee house, she saw Jim still posted up, drinking coffee from a small Styrofoam cup.

“Hey Jim.”
“Hey kiddo! How was school?”
“Eh, same ole, same ole.”
“Still full of little assholes?”
Claire smiled at this. “Yeah, still full of them.”
“Don’t sweat it kid. Someday you’ll get away from all of this and live a life without those people in it.”
Live. Not for much longer. Claire thought.
“Yeah, thanks Jim. I sure hope so.”
“No problem, Claire. Just try to keep your head up.”
Claire dropped a few more quarters into Jim’s bucket.
“Alright, well, see you tomorrow Jim.”
“See you, kiddo.”

Claire reached home and walked into the silent house. She went into her parents’ bedroom to check on her mom and see if she needed anything. She was asleep. Claire scrutinized her for a moment, watching the slow rising and falling of her chest. It was something she did by habit; just to make sure she was still alright. After Claire walked out, she went upstairs and started on her homework. Why even bother? Claire thought. In a few days it won’t matter if I did my work or not. She shut her book and turned her iPod on to her favorite song, “Iris.” She drifted off to sleep.

I don’t see myself as a part of anything important, only an insignificant speck in the ocean of everything else. Each day gets harder and harder for me to get through knowing all of this, and I feel that best thing for me to do for myself and everyone else is to end it here, before it gets any worse.

“YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!”

Claire woke up to the shout filtering through her music. It was her mom’s voice, the same familiar vibrato in it each time she yelled at her husband. Ron gave no reply and the slam of the front door signaled the end of the conversation. Claire walked downstairs and found her mother in the kitchen with a glass of water and some pills in her hand.

“I’m taking my medicine and going back to bed,” she said. “Janie’s doing her homework in her room.”
“Okay. I’m going to walk up to the store and get something to drink.”
“There are things to drink right here in the kitchen.”
“I know, but I want to go for a walk.”
“Alright. I’m going to bed.”
“Okay.”

Claire grabbed her bag and walked out the door. It hadbeen a warmer winter day,and the sun shone brightly through the trees lining the street. Claire crossed the street and headed towards the convenience store on the corner, but saw Jim across the road waving at her and decided to go say hi.

“Claire! How are you?” said Jim.
“Hey Jim, just taking a walk to get something to drink.”
“Everything alright? You look a little stressed.”
“Eh, I’m fine. Mom and dad were fighting again.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Claire. I know it gets old hearing that.”
“Yeah. Things have been rough lately. I’m tired of dealing with it.”
“Don’t give up kiddo, things won’t always be this way. Remember that.”
“Yeah, I know. It just seems like everything fell apart all at once.”
“Well, all I can say is, just do what you can to put the pieces back together. There must be some solution. You’ve got to fight in this life to live. You have to live.”
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to think of one.”
“Good girl.”
“Well alright, Jim. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Alright Claire. Take care, and be careful.”
“I will. Bye Jim.”

Claire continued on to the store and bought her drink. As she paid at the counter, a family walked in laughing and talking, headed towards the bathrooms. The brother and sister jumped from tile to tile on the floor, their blonde heads bobbing up and down. The mother and father looked on, smiling. Too good to be true, Claire thought. She walked out.

Heading home, Claire realized she had to do something. She had to pick up the pieces from her broken life and somehow put them back together, like Jim told her. But as soon as she thought this, Claire realized that the pieces never would quite fit together again. Her mom would never get better, her dad would never want his family, and Claire would never be able to get rid of the sadness that consumed her every moment of the day.

I know that once I allow for myself to finally let go, I will truly be happy, and you can move on without the burden of my sadness. Love, Claire.

She would do it on Friday. She would go to school, come home, check on her mom and Janie, and then do it. She wouldn’t analyze it all day or stress about it; she’d just do it. That was the only way she could follow through. It was Monday, so Claire had a few days to get everything in order.

Claire found Janie reading a book in her room, and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. Janie agreed and the two grabbed their jackets and headed out.

“Where are we going?” Janie asked cautiously. Claire never invited her to do things.
“Just wanted to take a walk and talk. How’s school been going?”
“Alright, I guess. But I’m ready for summer break.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“So you’re going to college five hours from here after summer?”
“Maybe. But I’ll be home to visit every now and then.”
“What am I going to do about mom and dad?”
“Just stay out of the way as much as you can. And help mom when you can.”
“I’ll miss you, Claire.”
“I’ll miss you too, Janie.”

They continued to walk and talk, and eventually made their way back home. Claire walked into her mom’s room to check on her, surprised to see her sitting up in bed watching the TV. She walked inside and sat on the bed.

“How are you, mom?” said Claire.
“I’m feeling alright today. How was your day?”
“Fine, I guess. The same.”
“Good. Have you talked to your dad today?”
“No, he hasn’t been home yet.”
“Of course.”
“Well, I just wanted to check in and say hey.”
“Alright. Well help Janie make something for dinner.”
“Okay.”
“And Claire?”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me when you leave home after this summer you won’t end up like this. Like me. Promise me you’ll get out, get away.”
“I promise, mom. I’ll find a way out.”
“Okay.”


After she cleaned up the dishes from dinner and finished her homework, Claire went up to her room and got ready for bed. Her dad still wasn’t home so she made sure to leave the hallway light on so he could see when he came inside. She put her headphones on and drifted off to sleep.

A crash of thunder startled Claire awake. She looked out her window and saw flashes of lighting jab the ground and leaves whir through the strong wind. The sky was an ugly grey, and the moon was nowhere in sight. It was unusual weather for a winter night, but Claire welcomed the storm over the common snow. She looked in the driveway and saw her dad’s car. He made it home, Claire thought.

When Claire woke up the sky was still the nasty grayfrom the night before, but the rain had subsided. She got ready for school and grabbed her books and bag from her chair. Thank God it’s Friday, Claire thought. It’s Friday. The day. It had snuck up on her. Today was the day she would do it. But she was ready for it. She walked downstairs and saw her dad sitting at the kitchen table.

“Bye dad,” said Claire. He looked up.
“Bye Claire. See you later.”
“Yeah, see you later.”

She walked out the door with a knot in her stomach. See you later. So many things she wanted to say to her dad, but those three words that would never come true were the only thing they could manage to exchange.

As Claire crossed the street she could see Jim sitting by the building drinking his cup of coffee. He was wearing a rain poncho and sat huddled up under the awning of the building to keep from getting soaked.

“Hi Jim,” said Claire.
“Heya Claire! Nasty storm last night, huh?”
“Yeah, but I kind of like it.”
“I’ve always liked thunderstorms.”
“Me too.”
“So it’s Friday, last day of school before the weekend.”
“Yeah…last day.”
“Well, I’ll see you this afternoon then.”
“Alright Jim, take care.”
“You too Claire.”

Claire continued on to school, thinking about the bag of pills under mattress and how in merely a few hours they would all be in her stomach, slowly taking away the sadness and everything else from her body. As she walked into her school she looked at everything as if she were seeing it for the first time. The walls, the lockers, the pictures. Everything seemed new and fragile. Even the people. It was the last time she would see any of this, and it was for this reason that Claire was a little happier on this particular day.

After her biology class, Claire made her way to the lunchroom where she sat each day and ate by herself. She usually bought a bag of chips or an apple and picked at it to kill time. A group of students walked into the lunchroom with McDonald’s bags in their hands and sat at the table next to Claire’s. Another student walked up to the table and started a conversation with the group.

“Hey, did you hear all of those sirens and see the police cars on Main Street?”
“Yeah, it was blocked off so we had to go around to get back to the school. What happened?”
“Someone told me that bum got hit by a car. You know, the one that sits by the old coffee house?”
“Oh, really? How’d he get hit?”
“Apparently he was walking across the street to the convenience store and didn’t see the truck coming. They said he died instantly.”
“Man, that sucks. That‘s what he gets. Those bums are so retarded.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”

Claire’s stomach lurched and she dropped her bag of chips on the ground. Jim. It was Jim. Claire jumped up from the table and ran out of the lunchroom. She ran out of the school without her jacket or her bags, and took off towards Main Street. When she got there it was taped off and a few police cars remained, but there were no ambulances. A few bystanders were watching a few buildings away and Claire picked up on their conversation.

“Yeah, I guess he just walked right out into the street.”
“Those damn hobos don’t have any common sense. Good riddance if you ask me.”
“Yeah.”

Claire fell to her knees and started breathing heavily. Jim was the only person she could halfway consider a friend. He understood the hardship she was going through because he had been through it too. She knew she had to do it now.

She started walking down the sidewalk, running the plan through her mind that would end her life. She’d walk into the house, pour herself a glass of milk, go upstairs and climb into her bed, put her headphones on, and swallow all of the pills. It was that simple. As Claire ran this plan through her head over and over again, the wind picked up and a paper coffee cup flew from the ground into the air above Claire’s head. She looked up at it saw that she was standing in front of the building where Jim had sat every day. She looked up and saw the cup rest on the awning just below the sign, and noticed something she hadn’t earlier when she had been talking to Jim. The sign that had once boasted “Live Bands” had been damaged in the storm, and all that remained of it was the word “Live.”

Live.

Claire continued walking down Main Street, and when she finally reached her house she stopped and stared at it. She walked past it and continued down the road, pondering Jim’s final piece of advice for her.