Dear Me,

A letter to myself.

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

Don Miguel Ruiz

Dear Me,

This past year has been a most difficult one. You faced many heart-breaking moments and walked through countless days feeling dazed, confused, and anxiety-ridden. I hope you learned something from your experiences. You are now faced with a new year, new opportunities, and new beginnings. What are you going to do with the upcoming year? May I offer you some insight?

I wonder who you are. Do you even know?

I think you lost yourself somewhere in the midst of living a life where you focused more on others than yourself. I commend you for your care and concern, but let's be frank, you can not save another if you can not save yourself. You must be honest with yourself. Look in the mirror and figure out who it is that looks back at you. Is she only a mother, only a wife? Does the person looking back at you, through that reflective glass, wear a genuine smile or does she wear a mask? Forgive me for being blunt, but I think she pretends to be happy and content when what she really wants to do is break down and cry. What can you do to help that person? She needs you.

You found a wonderful site last year to help you through some of life's most difficult trials. You found your release in writing. You found some very special people who you now call friends. I challenge you to use this site to your benefit. In doing so, you will eventually benefit others. Learn the idiosyncrasies of writing and hone your craft. I challenge you to take classes on punctuation and presentation. Edit that book you have been toying with. Read the stories of strength and hope that other authors have written and learn from them. Keep up with that blog you started. I believe your blog is the key to rediscovering who you are and shaping yourself into the person you long to be. Bear your soul and fear not what another will say or think. Be honest with yourself and hide nothing. Do not lose yourself to the masquerade of pretending to be someone others will like. Be yourself, they will either love you or hate you for who you truly are. Ask yourself, "Does what another personthinks, define me?"

On an even more personal note, I hope you address some issues you have been sweeping under the rug. Stop hiding from your problems and face them head-on. You know your physical and mental health have been an issue for quite some time. This year, I beg of you, take action to change those things about yourself that hold you back from living a fulfilling life.

You do not like how you look anymore. Gaining weight was just another misguided way of protecting yourself. You are safe now. Set a goal of losing 50 pounds and do it! Seek professional help with your long-standing mental issues. Address those hurts of the past and move forward. Do not give up; this is not an easy fix. Go to the doctor and scream until they listen! You know what is wrong.

Do you wish to walk through life with a dulled psyche and half a heart? It feels like little by little, more of you is slowly dying. You have closed yourself up; wrapped yourself up in protective layers so the pain can not touch you, can not cut too deeply. In building that cocoon you have protected yourself but you do not feel alive. Live! Break free from that cocoon and emerge as that beautiful butterfly I know you can be, both inside and out. Save yourself, because no one else is going to do it!

In regards to your youngest child, you must let her live without questioning her will to do so. I realize that she did something last year that made you fear for her, but you can not live in fear. Being afraid of what might happen in the future keeps you from living in the moment and keeps you from appreciating your daughter for who she is now, today. When she tells you that life is not worth living, show her, not tell her, that it is. It is worth living to its fullest. The pain, the sweet sorrow, is worth it. It means your heart is open and ready to receive the love and joy that will eventually come with time. You can not control her. You can not put her in a protective bubble, as much as you wish to keep her safe. Katelyn has the power to change her own destiny. You will not always be there to catch her when she falls or fails. You do not hold any special powers to 'make it all okay'. There is no band-aide and magical kisses to wish her pain away. Have faith that she will learn to live and fix herself.

You have so much work to do; I hope you are up for it. I believe you are ready.

As you go about rediscovering yourself and redefining who you are, do not think that you can not hold on to the roles that are most dear to you. Being a mother and wife are important parts of who you are, but do not let those roles limit you. You can be those people and more. You can be the artist, the dancer, the humanitarian. You can realize those old forgotten dreams and create new ones. You can hold on to the people who are dear to you while you also live your life for yourself. It may be hard to not feel selfish in doing things for yourself, but remember, you are a role model for your daughters. Don't you wish them to be everything they dream to be? Lead them by example.

In closing, do not forget to appreciate all the gifts life has given you; you have terrific people in your life and a home filled with love. Give thanks daily and pay it forward. You get so much back in giving a little happiness to another. Live, love, and laugh much this year. May you grow by leaps and bounds.

All my love,

Me


Written for myself and "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest"