What i Fear?

I'm scared of circling the boxes and checking the marks.
to sign the dotted line and give in.

I fear that I might not make it on time,
that the decisions I am making are wrong.
I'm scared to let them down
To let you down and me down.

I'm scared to leave for four years,
and lose the passion we have.
I know I can't live without you,
that you are a constant in my life.
that even while i'm gone, you'll be the thought that creeps through me.
that without your creative genius and intensity, I would become stale and lifeless.
You must know that you are the life I really want but, can't have. 
at least for just a little while.

A year ago, I was assured.
That this was it, that this life was the best it could get.
That you were my next step,
that it was time I start to make myself happy.
To stop letting others walk all over me.
You convinced me to do that. You did that.
You changed me.

Then a summer of changes happened,
not that we drifted but, that the pressure has escalated.
that now it's not just me,
it's them and the rest of it.
There were strings pulling me closer to you,
strings pulling me to other things but, you.
that you were no good and I would never amount to anything with you.

They pushed me to an ultimatum,
and i had to pick them.
you knew that.
I was the loyal child,
the one who saw all the problems and just wanted to fix it.
The one who carried bricks including her own.

No one carried mine
but you.
you were the only one who listened,
who allowed me to cry when I needed to
and to rant when I wanted to.
you never made me feel guilty of my actions and my words.
you did for me, what I always did for them

When I was lost and seeked for counsel,
I said that "I need to" that, it's "required"
She replied with "you 'want' to. Not you 'need' to."
I never understood her but, now I do.

It's not that I want to, it's that I need to.
I need this to please them and all of them.
To please the past that I had promised,
the life they need to see to trust.
To return one more time what they gave me so much of: sacrifice.

It's my turn now, to truly sacrifice, just a little bit, just another.
To give in to their dream, to let them be happy too.
then maybe I can be as well.

I know that it's a lot to ask and that it's incredibly selfish.
but, if you could just wait for me.
just a little bit.
because I know that without you, i'm insane.
that maybe without you, I could die.
I know for sure that there's no one else,
I want to spend the rest of my life with than you.

And I know that every time I hold you in my hand,
or reminisce our progress, relationship
and every time a piece of you fell,
that I would always miss you, think about you.
always, always love you.

not because of what you are and what you do to me,
but because during the darkest hours, the heartbreaks,
the highs, the lows that you were there.
that you captured and continue to capture me and
that you are the only one who has and continue to be truly devoted to me.

that much I know
and that much I could never fear.