that boat

when she said "your a dick; you were always a dick to me", my heart sank like a certain ship that sailed the atlantic in the early 1900's. i don't know the name of that boat but i know those words cut me like an iceburg ripping through the hull of that infamous sea voyager. i never was a smart man and my memory was never that great but i do remember that i always prided myself on NOT being a dick. maybe i was a jerk or an ass or even a prick at times, but a dick? and always a dick at that? now, she had called me many names on many different occasions and even called me a dick before, but i always knew she never really meant it. i knew she loved me and just wanted a reaction. she just wanted me to say "i love you", which was always hard for me, even though i did (do) love that woman with every ounce of that major organ lying at the bottom of the atlantic ocean. this time was different though; this time, i was a dick. atleast, this time; she really meant it.
what can you say when you hear the finality in someones voice? when you absolutely know they are finished taking your shit? in the past i've resorted to anything in my verbal arsenal from begging to actually saying i love you which was all she wanted to hear in the first place. she had told me before that sometimes, she would start fights just because that was the only time i actually said those words.i knew that wouldn't work this time, though. that ship had sailed and it was sailing toward impending doom. if i knew the words i would have spoke them but how do you stop a sinking ship when the captain has set a course for the bottom of the sea? sometimes, all you can do is watch it go down, knowing it's dragging your heart with it. i don't need to be a smart man or have a great memory to know that i'm sunk and everything that means anything cannot float. not even hope, but i do hope she knows the titanic amount of love that i have for her and that she can sail on the ocean of tears i've cried.