Torn In Two (Because… I Love You.)

Torn In Two (Because… I Love You.)



          I never imagined the dock would be where I would go to be alone. To fully take in the feeling of being completely on my own. Alone. Are we ever really alone?
          I wasn’t too sure about that, but I did know that no one would come looking for me here. That, at least, was a comforting thought when so far all I could think of was how empty I felt. I could never have imagined that I’d feel like this here, in the place I always ran to in my head when things were bad.
          I want to cry but all that’s happening is that pressure is building behind my eyes and in my throat. Nothing comes forward, probably due to years of holding it all back. It was all held back in the silence of my insanity.
          The way the sunset’s glinting off the waves is making me blind, making me unable to hold my eyes open for more than a few moments and I find I have to bring me hand up to my eyes to be able to see much of anything. It’s at that moment that I bring up my knees to my chest, wrap my free arm around them and sit there cradling myself with one hand ever-saluting the horizon.
          I take in a deep breath, letting the salty atmosphere around me into every part of my being. Doing this used to calm me but today, right now, it’s only adding to the pressure and eventually…
          …eventually everything has a breaking point. A melting point. A boiling point.
          A point where everything gets torn to pieces.
          Torn in two.
          The salt in the air seems to burn my nostrils and I close myself off to it almost immediately after that first breath, giving up. If what used to calm and center me did absolutely nothing in the way of helping me now, what would? Was there anything?
          Anything?
          My chest clenched at the thought, an ache growing there and radiating outward until it hit my heart and that’s when I felt it, the first tear break through the threshold and come crashing down my cheek. From that moment on it was like a damn exploded and I began hyperventilating from the labor of trying to keep it all inside while simultaneously wanting it all out. Just plain old out. Gone. Away.
          It made me angry that the feeling was there, the one of being alone. I wasn’t alone. I had friends and family but…
          …yet…
          …I had no one, or no one had me. Either way…
          …
          …alone.
          Hyperventilating is overrated, so I force my breathing to become even again and for the tears to stop flowing. I command every fiber of my being to just calm down for a single moment until I regain some sense of composure and then I look outward.
          Shit.
          What was I doing here?
          And the floodgates open once more.
          That’s when I feel it, an arm around me. I don’t even look, just force it away. I fight it, though the gesture is just to help. I don’t want your help. I don’t want anyone’s help.
          You try again to hold me but I hit you, push you away. You keep trying and trying and trying until finally I just give in and let you wrap your arms around me.
          You who did this.
          You who caused this.
          You who saved me.
          “Why?” I whisper desperately. “Why, you stupid son of a bitch, why?!”
          “Because I love you.”
          My eyes close and somewhere… I find peace.