To have and to hold

To Have and to Hold



what is this thing called marriage all about? What are the rules to this game? In marriage the rules change so frequently until at times it becomes difficult to distinguish who will win or lose. How does loving and caressing get to the point of barely touching at all? How does it get to the point that saying “I love you” seem to sound as if you both are speaking another language that neither understand? When communication between two people in a marriage becomes a way of expressing one another’s faults as opposed to a means of solving issues what do you do? How do you look at your significant other and remember what attracted you to them in the first place when words has been spoken that hurt and when actions have been done to cause pain?

It never ceases to amaze me how soon we begin to live a lie, when the goodness in marriage turns to bad and when death do us part becomes “until who kills who first”. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things change from the altar, to the bedroom, then from the bedroom to a point where one he's in the living room, while she is in the den. The truth of the matter is that marriage is not a fairy tail; as a people we caught up in the soap operas and the love stories not realizing that these lifestyles are not reality therefore, we expect the same fairytale lifestyle in our own marriages and relationships. Marriage should be based on a love for one another that is so strong and so pure that nothing can prevail against it. Marriage should not be based on money or material things because those things are usually why marriages fail in the first place.

To love and be loved by someone is the most ultimate gift one can offer. It is love that will get you through the better or for worst; it is love that will sustain the richer or poorer. Agape love, like Christ has for us is very rare these days in marriages because there are so many other distractions that cause us to lose focus on the union of our marriages. The finances or the lack of hinder marriages all over the world almost as much as infidelity, why is this? Why do things change so drastically once marriage takes place? It changes because we change we grow comfortable, and we begin to neglect one another’s existence based on life’s circumstances, then frustration develops then resentment and the lack of ability to adapt to someone else crowding your space.

What are we to do when death do us part changes into “who kills who first”. How do we get there? For a woman marriage means security, it means protection and it means not being alone. It is a fairytale; she envisions being Cinderella with a charming prince who is the “right fit”. She forgets and does not think about the “happily ever after” forgetting that in order to reach the “happily ever after” there are some things that she must do. She must maintain those attributes that caused her to attain her prince from the very beginning and more. She mustn’t forget her appearance; she mustn’t forget her sensual feminine side. She is not to forget that her prince comes before her children in some instances. She is to feed him words of encouragement; she is to hold him in high in esteem without affecting his self-esteem.

If she wants to maintain her Cinderella status she is to forsake her evil sisters who speak words of negativity and envy directed at her about her prince, especially when her evil sisters haven’t a prince of their own. She has to maintain a nice castle that is clean and welcoming to her prince when he arrives, and she must prepare meals that are healthy and edifying to his taste buds. There will be times when she must be submissive in intimate areas as well in other areas. However, she is not to forget that her prince is the head of the castle. You see, we as women want to be “married” because we get caught up in the fantasy of being “married” without wanting to put in the work. As women we become quick to speak of being " Strong" without realizing that being “a strong woman” does not mean that our point of views will not be acknowledge Our male counterparts may see things differently which does not make either one of us right or wrong it simply means we are different. Because we are individuals we will have different likes and dislikes, my beliefs are that marriages become “shaky” when partners tend to want their mates to adapt to their views and their ways of being and this causes each partners to lose who they are.

Who wants to be married to themselves! Partners should be different, I believe in the opposite attract theory because when partners are “different” they compliment one others personalities. Women are mostly soft and emotionally distressed and to have two emotionally distressed individuals in the union of marriage could be ciaos. Men have to regain their roles in the home. They want the Cinderella’s yet they fail to remain the prince she fell in love with causing the “fit” to become a size too small. Men need to get back connected to their families, they need to know where the children are, and they need to know what is going on in their homes and with their wives and children... Men need to put the remote control down and start controlling things in their home! Men need to help their wives in the home whether it is vacuuming, doing the dishes, starting a load of clothes, or dinner. Men need to know and feel some of the stresses that women have to deal with if he wants her be a virtuous woman.

Husband‘s become too “comfortable” forgetting that they must abide by the same rules that they expect their wives to abide by. In order to be up lifted they must lift their butts out of their recliners’ and get attached to the women who bore their children and become connected to her. Husbands need to try to get in tuned with their wives and find out what is happening in her life. Marriage is work it is not a fairytale it is real life, dealing with real life issues. Marriage is bringing two individuals together, from two different upbringings, from two different points of views, habits, personalities, moods, etc. It is not a decision to take lightly. The sacred vows made before God will become easily shaken when someone does not get his or her way, when the finances become few, or when the children are born, and when illnesses comes.

The vows are easily made but soon they become “lies at the alter” because they can be easily broken just the same. We need to disrobe and be real with one another if we are to ever conquer the divorce rate. Spouses should be best friends; they should make one another feel as if there is nothing they cannot conquer together as ONE. We need to stop playing the “blame” game with one another when the finances become low, when the car gets broken down, and when life’s circumstances beyond our control raises its’ nasty head. How soon do we forget the vows we made how soon do for better or worst turn into “it’s my way or the highway”, how soon does a certain quality that attracted us to an individual becomes the thing we hate the most about them.

Why is it that when a woman goes into menopause and begins to lose her mind because of it and has no desire to make love to her husband , she refuses to get treatment becoming selfish not caring about how her moods and lack of desire places a strain on her marriage and her family. Why do we place our spouses at risk to cheat and to seek what we lack giving them elsewhere? Why is that when women gain a few pounds after giving birth to our children who bear our husband‘s DNA, husbands begin to degrade their wives by mentioning the weight gain not as a tool to help her to lose the weight but to break her down? Why is has hanging with “the boys” more important than hanging with your son? Why do men become bored and more visually enticed neglecting the mother of his children and the woman he vowed to love forever unconditionally?

Why is it that husbands place their daughters at risk for looking and finding a “father figure" in a man who beats her, neglects her, mistreats her, and tears her down from the inside out which will eventually show up on the outside? Why is the most important man in a daughter’s life not there? The one who is supposed to make her feel beautiful and also tell her she is beautiful where has he gone? I have a theory about all of these things. My theory is………We get so caught up in the Fairytale, and because of this our fantasy becomes reality and the reality is that....men have their issues and women have their issues too. The question then becomes…Is the love we have for one another strong enough to work out our issues together?