In case of an emergency...

In case of an emergency...

“Welcome to the ‘Dominican Emergency Anti accidents Do something’ system –DEAD… if you are calling from a normal telephone, please press any key:

For hearing this in Japanese, please call ONE, in Afghanis…please press TWO; Russian, press THREE, Swahili, press FOUR. Braille, press FIVE.

For receiving medical assistance, press 6. If you are on fire, press 7…if you were hit by a yellow bus, press 8. If you are trapped inside your car, press 9…if you can’t move…press 10.

If your vehicle is okay, but you want a lawyer anyway, press 11. If you don’t need a policeman (preferred), press 12. If you need a mechanic, press 13. If you need a cheaper mechanic, press 14. If you had the accident with your legal partner, press 15, if you were hiding from her/his, press 16. If you are Tiger Wood, press 17. If he or she is a minor, press 18. If you will need a hair stylist for looking good at the hospital, press 19. If you have the wheel crushing your chest, press 20, if you are bleeding to death, press 21, if blood is everywhere but it is not yours, press 22.

If it wasn’t a real accident but it is a kidnapping intent, press 23. If the kidnapers are armed, press 24. If they just have a knife, press 25. If they are grabbing you, press 26. If they just want to rape you, press 27. If they are looking only for a recompense, press 28, if you cannot pay, press 29. If your loan is over ten thousands dollars, press 30. If you can pay with your debit card, press 31. If you will use your credit card, press 32. For Visa, press 33, MasterCard, 34. American Express, 35…If you left your house without it, damn it…press 36. None of the above, press 37.

If actually is a UFO abduction, press 38. If they are from Mars and green, press 39. If they are not little green monsters, press 40. If it is really hallowing night, press 41, if not, press 42. If you are joking, please press 43. For immediately assistance from a live operator keep on line or please press 0 or wait for the operator…

If you want to repeat all options, please press 44; otherwise, wait until the operator finish painting her nails. If you are still alive, press 45. If you are dead, press 46…

For choosing a nice funeral home, please press 47. For a $25,000 coffin, press 48, for less than that, please press 49. For cremation (preferred) press 50…

If you lose your spouse after 37 years of marriage… please press 51. For dating a 25-year old chick same age as your own daughter, press 52. If it doesn’t matter, you don’t have daughters anyway, press 53.

If you are looking for an old lady for stealing all her money, press 54. If you are looking for an old gentleman for making his life miserable and spend all his money, press 55. If you want to be a fast track widow, press 56. If you fell in love with your kidnapper, though, press 57. If you ended falling in love with your green abductor, press 58. For best possible counseling to make his/her live miserably also, press 59…

For none of the above, please press 60 or… if you are not satisfied, hang out please. Don’t waste our time, you moron"…

Click.

Robert Dietsch